[ThisWayOut]

I don't know. I think I'm too worried about the inevitability of being referred out, and the chaos of the holidays. I put up walls after being inpatient, and I don't know how to take them down. I don't feel comfortable getting into anything of substance with my t (or with anyone). It's a really weird feeling, because I've generally felt like I could count on whatever t I happened to be seeing at the time... there was a lot of transference before going inpatient tho, and I think to protect from the inevitable abandonment feelings I have stepped trusting that she will be there when I need it. On one hand, we are planning out the next month and taking about beginning more intense trauma work come January, but the next sentence is planning being referred out for more long-term therapy because the center generally only does short-term work to deal with the immediate crisis of assault (only, I can't be in crisis, so I'm a bit confused)...
She asked me what I thought of what she had said. I couldn't find the words, because my head often needs time to process stuff like that. She threw a couple of feeling words at me, and I was able to tell her that it was sad, not angry. I was able to say that the sad came from getting so close to being able to process things so many times only to have the processes interrupted every time. We agreed on what processing meant, and that I did not expect to forget things, but just not handle them so poorly (and to not be so alone in so much of it)... I told her that I was tired of having to keep building up trust with new people all the time just to get to a point of stalling. I want to get through this at least once. But I don't know if I trust that I'll be able to complete it with her, so I am not sure I even want to start. I mean, yeah, I really want to start, but not if I have to abruptly stop again... she can't promise not to refer me out. I get that. But... I just don't know. She also doesn't seem to want to put any effort into helping me get that safety net we both know I need. I've never had so little help when trying to get more supports in place... I have always experienced that the provider helps secure services. Having to fight for it all by myself is very overwhelming. I have my couple's t that is willing to go to bat for me, but it's disheartening that my individual t (who insists extra support be I'm place before we start processing stuff) is unwilling to help. I think that's contributing to me feeling so lost in trusting her again. :/ I can't even talk about this with her for 2 weeks because of the holiday. Ugh.

[Daeva]

Is there any possibility that she's trying to get you to be more independent of her, and pushing you to advocate for yourself? My T does the same thing and i know she wants me to take the lead because she won't always be around to and is trying to teach me that I can do it for myself.

[ThisWayOut]

I think I would appreciate that push if it wasn't so difficult to get services here...