[precious things]

...when you, despite all the work and warmth, realize that in your darkest moments, you are on your own and a T can only help so much....it hurts.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Nods

Yep, it's a harsh contrast at times. I guess there's a way to integrate all the feelings, but I don't know it yet.

[Asiablue]

yep i'm at the same stage. It is lonely but it's also acceptance being born. This is the point where you really take ownership for your own healing and move forward. It's actually a freeing thing.

[precious things]

Sorry,

I'm so lost.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

yep i'm at the same stage. It is lonely but it's also acceptance being born. This is the point where you really take ownership for your own healing and move forward. It's actually a freeing thing.

Totally agree. It's the ultimate freedom.

BUT, it can be quite bittersweet realizing that no one can swoop in and save you.

I used to imagine my therapist as Gandalf. Seriously. The wise, aged wizard who with one swoop could fix it.

I grew out of it. As with most growth, it was not easy. But a more accurate, and empowering depiction of my situation.

It'll be okay. We all have it in ourselves to rise up and live our lives. Our lives will never be painless, but they don't have to hurt so bad. In fact parts of them can be amazing!

One has to get lost to be found again.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

One has to get lost to be found again.

You are so right, mouse. Only I think I'm really going to die from my eating disorder before I can find the way out.

I had to hit a bottom with my alcoholism before I overcome it.
My bottom was a feeling of total abandonment. Like there was no one left in the 'room' to help me, that's when I finally stood up

[precious things]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I had to hit a bottom with my alcoholism before I overcome it.
My bottom was a feeling of total abandonment. Like there was no one left in the 'room' to help me, that's when I finally stood up

My problem is that I've had too many bottoms over the decades. I vomit blood daily and can't keep food in....I've purged teeth.....the rock bottoms don't scare me anymore. I've lost everything and more to this beast. And I can't stop it, and neither can my T. And that scares me, I can't even tell you. If you've struggled with addiction then you know the biggest fear is yourself, and that self-destructive part that won't rest. I'm so afraid and so alone.

It takes what it takes.
I hope you get your 'stand up' moment soon.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by elliemay

Totally agree. It's the ultimate freedom.

BUT, it can be quite bittersweet realizing that no one can swoop in and save you.

I used to imagine my therapist as Gandalf. Seriously. The wise, aged wizard who with one swoop could fix it.

I grew out of it. As with most growth, it was not easy. But a more accurate, and empowering depiction of my situation.

It'll be okay. We all have it in ourselves to rise up and live our lives. Our lives will never be painless, but they don't have to hurt so bad. In fact parts of them can be amazing!

You said it so much better than me but i totally agree. It's def bittersweet, it feels good to be free of that unrelenting hope that you will be saved by some angel but very sad to realise you're on your own, that ultimately if you want peace of mind you have to fight for it.

[purplemystery]

My T has said something that I have found a little helpful, though I do often feel as you do. She said that people don't really leave us. They are always with us. And even if she can't be there when I'm crying in my room, she lives on in me in my memories. And when I will no longer see her, I'll still take her with me. I will always have her, and have the knowledge that someone accepted me. Sometimes I "get" it (sort of), and sometimes I think it's BS. But I hope it helps you a little. Apparently it's all about internalizing your T, finding ways to remember that he/she cares even though you're not with them.

[Daeva]

I hate that feeling, but it is in these moments where we are tested. And then if you did well or not you bring that back to your T.

[Willowleaf]

I so know that place and its horrible. Sending hugs that you get something posting here knowing that there are people all over the world thinking of you. I hope you get some peace soon as it sounds very painful.

Yes, therapy eventually will end and we're on our own. It's very scary. I struggle with eating disorders too and am on my own right now and it's terrifying.

[Syra]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

My T has said something that I have found a little helpful, though I do often feel as you do. She said that people don't really leave us. They are always with us. And even if she can't be there when I'm crying in my room, she lives on in me in my memories. And when I will no longer see her, I'll still take her with me. I will always have her, and have the knowledge that someone accepted me. Sometimes I "get" it (sort of), and sometimes I think it's BS. But I hope it helps you a little. Apparently it's all about internalizing your T, finding ways to remember that he/she cares even though you're not with them.

I read you and I have such a nice feeling. I've had that happen with other people. I think it could happen with Ts too.