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Nov 26, 2013 at 09:25 PM
#1
I am not as depressed as I have been, but tonight I'm feeling very sad. I know I have to start reaching out to people so here I am again. This is really hard! I have new respect for those of you who post more regularly and with more detail than I feel comfortable with...wow, good for you guys.
I told my mom I didn't want any Christmas presents this year and gave her the name of some charities, instead. She is mad at me; she won't talk to me or communicate at all...no texts, no phone calls. We have had a strained relationship for about 2 years now. Well, actually most of my life. Okay, all of my life. Of course, I am not really reaching out to her, either. But I still wish that she'd come find me...  She's my mom. I wish my mom would come find me, no matter where I was. Every day that I don't hear from her seems to reaffirm the anger and sadness I'm starting to uncover in therapy. I know I won't be having any more Christmases with my family. It makes me really sad. I'm heartbroken in so many ways. Grieving is so hard.My therapist and I talked about object constancy. I had never heard this term. It makes a lot of sense. I have never understood how people are comforted by images/memories of people. From this perspective, it makes sense that I turn inward when I'm feeling really awful; I guess there is no "object" to go towards to feel better? I have to do better. Not sure how, though, or where to begin! I left feeling so angry at my therapist yesterday. But I am not angry at her; she's only pointing out the truth, and I am so thankful I have her to do that for me! I'm angry at the situations that are coming up. It hurts like hell, actually. I wanted to kick a hole in the dry wall of her office, but I didn't...it's hard to be "mad" at someone when I know I'm not actually mad them. Does that make sense? I feel very "at fault" for the issues that are coming up in therapy. I feel like I need to take full responsibility for everything that I struggle with...and there are lots of things, and lots of symptoms. I constantly beat myself up about it: try harder...stop faking...change your thoughts...what is wrong with you...stop overreacting. It is hard to imagine that some of what led to my current behavioral/emotional state may have been out of my control. I guess that makes me feel like I was cheated, a little bit...but I don't want to go all "woe is me" on everyone. Just feeling sad tonight, is all...reaching out, going against everything my brain is telling me! Gotta start somewhere. 
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 Aloneandafraid, Freewilled, growlycat
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Oh noes!
Member Since Jul 2011
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Nov 26, 2013 at 09:28 PM
#2
Great job reaching out. I understand what it's like, I love to tell myself to quit overreacting. Ugh.
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Sep 2011
Location: usa
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Nov 26, 2013 at 09:31 PM
#3
Im also happy you have reached out, thats why we are here, sorry you are going thru a rough patch right now.
__________________ Bipolar 1 Gad Ptsd BPD ZOLOFT 100 TOPAMAX 400 ABILIFY 10 SYNTHROID 137 |
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Poohbah
Member Since Oct 2013
Location: Underworld
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Nov 26, 2013 at 09:31 PM
#4
I'm glad you are taking the step to reach out, I know how scary it can be, but think it's great you are willing to try it!
 You are very articulate and expressive which is so helpful, sometimes I find writing it all out can help me see things more clearly. I was just wondering if it's the same for you. I'm so sorry your Mom is cutting you off/out like this, that must be very hurtful and painful. I can certainly understand your pain and anger over this. I hope she comes around. However the fact that you are expressing yourself in therapy is wonderful! You must really trust your T. It's not your fault, I may not know what your issues are but I can tell you with certainty that it's not your fault. This is actually a cognitive distortion called Personalization where you see yourself as the cause of any negative event for which you really were not totally responsible for. And you keep telling yourself those untrue things about faking, and overreacting...feelings just are, they are not wrong. |
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Member
Member Since Aug 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 377
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Nov 26, 2013 at 09:43 PM
#5
I understand how you feel. I'm an impulsive, assuming, overreacting fool a lot of the time.
I will be thinking about you and hope you get to feeling better. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ *********************************************************** I wish I was a better elephant. |
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| Anonymous333334
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Therapy Ninja
Member Since Jan 2007
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Nov 26, 2013 at 11:34 PM
#6
This makes total sense.
I'm trying to learn that I can build my own family of sorts, friends and my T's fit into that as well. My family is tough--I can't bear to cut them off but they do cause me pain. I use my pieced-together family to fill in the gaps. |
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| Anonymous333334
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2013
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Nov 27, 2013 at 04:28 AM
#7
Quote:
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| Anonymous333334
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Nov 27, 2013 at 07:40 PM
#8
You guys...thanks so much for the support, hugs, and kind words. It really meant a lot. Thank you!!
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
Location: US
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Nov 27, 2013 at 07:57 PM
#9
Thank you for reaching out, PumpkinEater. I'm sorry you feel so sad but I'm glad you found some support here in this forum. I hope that your mother will reconsider and will find you, or at least talk to you. It reminds me of an old children's book, The Runaway Bunny.
I wonder how you'd feel if you reached out to her, instead, and even though she hurt you and you don't have a good relationship. Maybe Thanksgiving (if you're in the US) would be a good time to do that. If that's not an option for you, maybe you can spend time with others who don't have families--find a sort of surrogate family, like growlycat suggested. It sounds like you're working very hard in therapy. I know it can be slow and frustrating, but that's the way therapy is. As for posting here, for some like me it's easy (I probably write too much), and for some it's not. Just go at your own pace and see how you feel. 
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Therapy Ninja
Member Since Jan 2007
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Nov 27, 2013 at 10:16 PM
#10
Rainbow--ever see the movie "Wit"???
The part of the movie when "The runaway bunny" is read to the lead character, in the throws of cancer and unconcious---makes me cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Nov 28, 2013 at 11:03 AM
#11
Rainbow-
Your post resonated so closely with me that I freaked out, thought you were my mom in disguise, and almost deleted my entire account! The reason is, and I don't think you could have know this...at least I hope not...my mom has always used the Runaway Bunny metaphor on me. Since I was very young...she said she'd always come and find me. I have actual bunny mementos from her. But lately, I feel very "unfound." The only people who find me are my husband and my therapist! I am coming to accept some different part of my past, with regards to being "found." That's what makes me so sad.And Growly...love the stage version of Wit, although I can't bring myself to watch the film! |
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| growlycat
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growlycat
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Legendary
Member Since Mar 2009
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Nov 28, 2013 at 11:27 AM
#12
Quote:
 I think, because you used the phrase "find you", the book immediately popped into my mind. I'm sorry it triggered you, and I do hope your Mom will find you again. Acceptance of reality is hard, and yes, it's sad but you have your H and your T, and that's something positive. Very positive.
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| Anonymous333334
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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