[Jordy]

As I'm new here I'll give you some background info before starting with my actual issue:

I've been sexually abused by two family members (on totally separate occasions) and been struggling with depression, SI, eating disorders since I was a teen. I've had some counselling and therapy but nothing really helped me so I kept quitting after a couple months.
In Octobre 2011 I finally booked an appointment with a Pdoc and was diagnosed with BPD. AS she was finalizing her training in DBT at that time, she asked me if I was ok to be the first person she would try it with. I was, and so we started doing some modified DBT as she hadn't enough clients to make a real DBT skills group.

Fast forward to now:
I haven't been making much progress in a while and two months ago she decided it was time to put me on a therapy break until I was ready to make some progress. I was absolutely shocked, but I must say that she really emphasized that I could call her anytime if I was struggling, that we could have emergency appointments if I was in severe distress and that we could resume therapy as soon as I had done my homework. And on top of that she still wanted me to attend her DBT skills group that would start shortly.

Last monday I got a text from her reminding me that the first skills group meeting would be that evening. I had totally forgotten about it... I went, and I must say it went better than expected. At the end of the group meeting I talked with her for a few minutes and decided I was ready to start working again. At that point I was quite happy about it, but since then I've been struggling much more than I was before.
I think it's mainly because I've had time to realize how much I was holding back from her, how I didn't always trust her to make the best choices for me, and that I never speak up when I'm not 100% ok whith her suggestions... I've learnt that I want to get really better I'll need to work much more than I was until now and I'm so scared... I just don't know how that first appointment in two months will go, how to tell how I really feel or tell her that part of me was lysing to her before... I've been thinking about cancelling it all individual therapy and skills group, but i know that would be like the dumbest move ever. I guess I just need some kind of reassurance that it will be ok.

[healingme4me]

It would be ok, to go back, try opening up, saying, I'm not always 100% on board with your suggestions, because I don't always trust you to make the best choices for me.

[archipelago]

People withhold a lot of things from their therapists, and therapists know this. I'm not sure that you have to share everything or even be honest all the time. Doing what feels right in the moment is perfectly fine. We are all doing the best that we can. And that is true for the therapist. So if she is off sometimes, well, she is only human and not inside your head so some suggestions may not be perfect or suitable. You could choose to say so, or not say anything and just disregard it. It is really up to you. You are her boss, remember. She works for you so you are more in charge really though it may not feel that way.

If the groups seemed better than expected, then I'm not sure why you would not want to go. You sound like you want to feel better and work on stuff and that sounds strong in your post so the best thing to do is go ahead and go through with it. Of course you are going to feel some resistance, but maybe it is like getting into a pool. There's that hesitation at the beginning and so you go back and forth about whether you want to get wet. Some people dip, some dive, some wade. Whatever works best. And again determined by you. Good luck with this. BPD is difficult, but lots can be done to help with it.

[Jordy]

Thanks for your answers! I guess I need to clarify a couple things: She knows I don't always say everything and is fine with it. Sometimes when I finally disclose something huge for me, she nicely says that she had already guessed that. So this is alright for both of us. But during the last sessions before the break I often couldn't remember things I should have to talked to her about. For example one week I was feeling really miserable all week and all I could think about was hurting myself. But when I told her that I was absolutely unable to remember why I was feeling this bad... like my brain completely shut down and no matter how hard I tried I really had no idea why I was feeling this way. And the very same evening it was like my brain decided to work again and I could clearly remember feeling absolutely worthless because my brother was looking after another girl going through a rough patch and not me.
I just don't see how I could explain that now without feeling absolutely stupid for not even being able to remember my own life.

Another thing is a few month ago we were supposed to start working on the abuse, and once that was well under way look into working full time and become independent from my family. Well after the first session about the abuse, she told me that even though we had only bared the scratched the surface and she had some doubts about making me work through this while I still sleep in the same bedroom it all happenned in. So without really discussing it with me she shifted the focus on getting me to work full time and move out even though I don't feel ready for it. I know it's a quite messed up situation and I should really clarify it with her. Especially as until a couple days ago I hadn't even realized she actually only wants me to be safe before we talk about the abuse again.

And my dumb idea about quitting it all... well that's just me being scared of showing my vulnerable side and looking for the easy way out...

[Littlemeinside]

It seems like you already have alot of insight and a really supportive T. These issues will always be hard to adress but may well be worth it in the long run. The easy way out is usually the route to alot of pain in the long run, eventhough in doesn´t seem like that right now.

[Jordy]

Yes, my T is really supportive and I know she cares about me. She quite regularly tells me that she loves working with me and I'm one of her favorite clients. And I finally start to believe it.
It's just that no matter how supportive she is, showing my vulnerable side is so difficult for me and I don't know how to let go...

[Jordy]

I've spent my day thinking about this appointment... I think she'll want to discuss the break, but I'm scared of telling her how hurt I was, that I barely slept or ate for a few days... I always put this strong facade up, act as if nothing could hurt me, but I'm so vulnerable inside.

[Jordy]

I'm just realizing how much more I'll have to talk about if she mentions our last session... Last week after the group session she asked me not to be mad at her. Makes me wonder if she regrets some things she said to me or how the situation was handled... I don't know how to tell her that yes I was mad, I wanted to SI only to hurt her, but that I also realized I was acting like little undeserving brat... This session will be so difficult!