[Rosondo]

Today I was crying, though really fighting it earlier, not wanting to let go. But after some quite intense unexplainable pain in my arms, I broke down and cried. But it suddenly reminded me of when I used to see a therapist two years ago, that I would cry every day in the session. And he would not look away. Yet he did not cry either. This went on for months. He just sat there and looked at me and listened.

Today after crying I started to think about that. Like imagine having five or six patients per day, if not more. Even if the guy works four days a week only. That's like 25 sessions per week, at least. Don't the majority of these sessions involve people expressing anger, grief, pain? Won't some of their clients be suicidal? Won't the therapists, at times, even fear for their lives, like if once in a while, a really angry client starts screaming or throwing things around in the office or threaten them?

But my therapist did not look he was uncaring. He actually did listen to my problems. So how the heck does this work? I could not do it. I've been in my medical doctor (general practitioner) waiting room and could not stand babies crying or even other people moaning from pain or whatever. But if you're a therapist, that's your specialty. You do this day in and day out. You tell client after client, "I really care about your situation...I'm so sorry for what happened to you...you seem like you have been in a lot of pain..."

They listen to stories of rape, of traumatizing car accidents, of childhood abuse, of war victimization, hopelessness, of suicidal thoughts, etc. Don't they walk out of their office feeling surrounded by hurt, pain, and danger lurking all around? Don't they just go home and cry and wish they were dead? Especially considering that many issues do not resolve over night. I mean they might have to listen to the same stories over and over again as people very slowly work through them. And some of their patients either just quit on them or a much smaller percentage actually kill themselves.

When I was going to college I briefly considered becoming a therapist. But soon realized I don't have the stomach for it. Either I will get deeply depressed, or turn into a cruel unfeeling therapist. I can not sit there listen to someone cry their eyes out about being forced into prostitution and getting raped just to feed their drug habit...and then an hour later go out with coworkers or family and have ice cream and talk about the latest movie. I don't know how therapists do it.

[Yogix]

Originally Posted by Rosondo

Today I was crying, though really fighting it earlier, not wanting to let go. But after some quite intense unexplainable pain in my arms, I broke down and cried. But it suddenly reminded me of when I used to see a therapist two years ago, that I would cry every day in the session. And he would not look away. Yet he did not cry either. This went on for months. He just sat there and looked at me and listened.

Today after crying I started to think about that. Like imagine having five or six patients per day, if not more. Even if the guy works four days a week only. That's like 25 sessions per week, at least. Don't the majority of these sessions involve people expressing anger, grief, pain? Won't some of their clients be suicidal? Won't the therapists, at times, even fear for their lives, like if once in a while, a really angry client starts screaming or throwing things around in the office or threaten them?

But my therapist did not look he was uncaring. He actually did listen to my problems. So how the heck does this work? I could not do it. I've been in my medical doctor (general practitioner) waiting room and could not stand babies crying or even other people moaning from pain or whatever. But if you're a therapist, that's your specialty. You do this day in and day out. You tell client after client, "I really care about your situation...I'm so sorry for what happened to you...you seem like you have been in a lot of pain..."

They listen to stories of rape, of traumatizing car accidents, of childhood abuse, of war victimization, hopelessness, of suicidal thoughts, etc. Don't they walk out of their office feeling surrounded by hurt, pain, and danger lurking all around? Don't they just go home and cry and wish they were dead? Especially considering that many issues do not resolve over night. I mean they might have to listen to the same stories over and over again as people very slowly work through them. And some of their patients either just quit on them or a much smaller percentage actually kill themselves.

When I was going to college I briefly considered becoming a therapist. But soon realized I don't have the stomach for it. Either I will get deeply depressed, or turn into a cruel unfeeling therapist. I can not sit there listen to some cry their eyes out about being forced into prostitution and getting raped just to feed their drug habit...and then an hour later go out with coworkers or family and have ice cream and talk about the latest movie. I don't know how therapists do it.

Personally, I, too, am in process of becoming a therapist, and I know that this type of work will be ok for me because I do not feel for others.

Let me rephrase that. I have a lot of genuine love and concern for others, but it is nearly impossible for me to feel affected by something going on for others. I know that sounds very, very, rude and selfish, but trust me. One of the reasons I am in therapy myself is because of this problem.

There are only three people I can see cry that will affect me: my father, grandmother, and best friend/boyfriend.

Everyone else, I care about, but I just am incapable of taking their problems within. That's why I know I can handle this work because I am not affected like (essentially) how I would like to be.

If that makes any sense.

That's not to say your therapist doesn't genuinely care, but maybe he or she is the same way as me. We care very much, but genuinely do not have then capability to be affected by things like this.

I actually feel miserable a lot for this reason.

My friend told me how she was in a horrendous car accident, and I felt concern for all of 5 minutes. But it didn't penetrate me any more than that.

And I've known her for 18 years.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but apparently it's not unusual to be like this. Maybe that is the same for your T.

Just a theory. Probably not the right one as I'm sure I'm an outcast, but just wanted to say it.

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[JaneC]

I sometimes wonder also, but then remember they have loads of supervision and training to handle it. I asked my T about this, because I work in a related field and have to hear a load of very similar stories( I currently have a client who is a prostitute to pay her bills/get her next drug fix) and have to manage this myself.

My T has fortnightly full supervision, supervision as an EMDR specialist monthly, weekly colleague debriefs etc etc. I also know for myself with experience and time you learn to find your own ways of dealing with the trauma you hear. T's have it much much worse than I though.

(I also recognise it is not ideal right now for me as it can trigger my own trauma responses and ptsd, but I have a robust wellness plan in place, and take time out when needed, still on my journey)

[IndestructibleGirl]

With my most heartfelt respect, Yogix, I really hope all therapists don't function the way you do.

OP, I'm not sure how they do it. But I imagine that the positive, triumphant feeling of somebody making progress out of the dark- or even somebody feeling just a flicker of hope about their situation - is worth the payoff of having to witness all the devastation and pain on a daily basis.

[CantExplain]

Ts have good boundaries.

[archipelago]

Compassion. It goes a long way toward feeling the empathy but not necessarily feeling a heavy burden by the suffering. Compassion makes things lighter to hold. Therapists in addition to all the training and supervision usually go through their own therapy. Mine is an analyst so he had 5 years of 4 times a week analysis. That's a lot of work on yourself. After that much work, you know yourself inside and out. You also understand how people can move on and even transform so there is hope as well, which also lightens the load.

I'm training as a therapist. I decided to after doing suicide prevention and crisis counseling. People thought that that would be a terrible thing to get involved in, but I loved it. First the training was life-changing. But the work itself was amazing. It seems strange to say about that level of suffering, but it's about human connection and the meaningfulness of that. When people are suffering to that extent, they are very raw and real. All the BS drops away. And the connections you can make are very powerful. Even though I have PTSD, I was not triggered while working. The only thing that really got to me was homocidal man, which I hadn't been trained for. I worked okay with it, but I worried about the person named who was the target and thought it my ethical duty to do something so I stressed about it for a while. Some people touched me and so I remember vividly how the conversation went. It was all quite moving. I felt it was a privilege to be able to be there for someone.

[possum220]

Have you ever listened to some-one else talk about their problems? And then come away thinking its easy because they are not your problems?. Most T's will have good boundaries in place. Most T's will also have some-one they can go too. Most t's do this kind of job because they genuinely want to help others.

In some sessions when I have cried I see that my T has tears in his eyes too. My T does not come from the same life that I have lived. He has told me that he has had the support of his family. All of us come from a differing backgrounds.

If you are concerned about your T, ask them how they deal with it. I'm sure they would appreciate the question and the knowledge that you are concerned about their welfare.

[Yogix]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

With my most heartfelt respect, Yogix, I really hope all therapists don't function the way you do.

OP, I'm not sure how they do it. But I imagine that the positive, triumphant feeling of somebody making progress out of the dark- or even somebody feeling just a flicker of hope about their situation - is worth the payoff of having to witness all the devastation and pain on a daily basis.

Yes, me too. But I know I am not a monster, either. I mentored underprivileged children for two years, worked with the National Eating Disorders Association, am nationally certified as a peer mentor and educator. But I do have this problem, but I do hope many don't function like me, either.

I think a lot of therapists just have gone through so much training and fieldwork that they themselves know what are there triggers, and even though sad stories will touch their hearts, I feel many therapists know that they can't take these stories home with them so-to-speak.

I actually think this is a good question to bring up to T's. As I know I used to struggle with talking about certain things for fear it may be triggering to them.

And that is no way to do therapy.



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I am an ICU nurse. I see people who are seriously ill every day, and also work with their families who are going through their own emotional crises, as well.

I love my job. I spend an enormous amount of time trying to meet their emotional needs, as well as their health needs. It's not that I don't feel their pain...many times I do, and I have cried with them, hugged them, held their hands, and even gone to my patient's funerals. I have cried in the parking lot, and cried over dinner, and cried on my way to work because I'm so deeply touched by the humanity I see every day. But I can also recognize their pain as part of their journey, not mine. I feel utterly and completely blessed to be a part of their lives when I am, but their path is truly individual and I'm merely a brief intersection. I have my own path and they have theirs. Sometimes the paths run closely parallel, and as I said, sometimes they briefly intersect. That is a wonderful part of human nature, but in the end, we are separate. That is how I deal with seeing all the pain and emotional on a daily basis.

[Daeva]

I'm also in college to be a therapist, and it's true you have compassion but one thing we are taught heavily is how to take care of ourselves, so we are well-trained in that.

[Rosondo]

Originally Posted by possum220

...
If you are concerned about your T, ask them how they deal with it. I'm sure they would appreciate the question and the knowledge that you are concerned about their welfare.

I don't see that therapist now. But when I did, it did occur to me to ask. Yet I did not because upon reflecting on it now, I think I was afraid. You can become quite vulnerable in therapy and dependent on the person's views, approval, etc, so that the reality that you are only a small part of this person's life (one of many clients) and that you don't matter to them as much as you want to, can feel devastating. It's like going for surgery. You want to feel special, like you REALLY matter to this surgeon. Not that you can end up being "a learning experience" or "a case number" or whatever.

[Victoria'smom]

My T loves crisis care. I think they are to busy listening to the exact words.

[RTerroni]

A good Therapist is just trained to be able to do that.

[elaygee]

Not every story is so intense or heartbreaking. There is celebration of progress, there are neutral talks, theres exploring just day ins and outs of life. Its not 35 clients in crisis or crying at all times, theres triumphs and insight and change for the better. Theres also friends, chocolate, and wine

[blur]

i agree that it isn't all crying & intense for every session. i imagine a trauma T would get more of that though. i've certainly laughed with Ts too. the various types of sessions combined with their training and setting boundaries probably helps tons. Ts need their boundaries not just for the client's welfare but for their own sanity.

[feralkittymom]

I think training and support/self care are certainly necessary for anyone in the helping professions, as PumpkinEater relates. And it's necessary to develop the capacity for compassion as well as the ability to function as a participant-observer. I don't think "turning off" emotions leads to successful practice at all because a T's emotions are central to maintaining attunement. A T needs to be able to feel deeply and clearly, yet maintain a measure of objectivity (the participant plus observer stance.)

But I also think--and I know that there are those who will disagree--that it is important to begin from a place of mental health. Everyone faces struggles, and good Ts learn from their own struggles; but I don't want a T with serious vulnerabilities. I don't believe that whatever minor degree of increased understanding that may result is worth the tremendous risk to the therapy frame inherent in such vulnerability. Just as the therapy process uncovers vulnerabilities in the client, so does the process have a way of touching upon vulnerabilities in the T. If the T isn't well past any such struggles, the therapy and client will suffer as a result. Good Ts tailor their caseloads to avoid engaging in therapy which touches their own potential vulnerabilities; but there are endless numbers of bad Ts who do the very opposite, I suppose in some vain attempt to heal themselves. Their clients suffer the consequences.

[reesecups]

I know my T is very empathetic. She really understands where I'm coming from. She asked a question that puzzled me and made me wonder why she got in the profession.

I was talking to her about a friend who had become psychotic and his actions. She asked me if I found it interesting to observe and be with him. I thought that was an odd question. I told her that I found it disturbing and not interesting in the least. I just assumed, I guess, that this fascination is what brought her to the field to begin with.

[feralkittymom]

It can sound off-putting, but I don't think a healthy curiosity and empathy are mutually exclusive. Much of the practice requires good analytical thinking skills, and curiosity is part of that process. The participant observer role allows the curiosity as part of observation, while participating empathically. It's similar to the communicative technique I use in teaching, in which part of my attention is engagement, and simultaneously, part is assessment.

[archipelago]

I like the term participant observer. It gives me a good way of thinking about what I had put as an analogy, that the therapist has one foot in the river of the patient's experience, but has the other foot firmly on the bank. In fact, that ability can be internalized by the patient so that she can observe and witness her own experience without getting washed away. But yes, it primarily is the stance for the therapist.

I agree that curiosity is a needed quality in a therapist or they won't be fresh toward their clients. You have to be curious about the internal workings and read the clues that come to you in a variety of ways because not all of it is obvious or verbalized. Lots is nonverbal and behavior, sometimes thought to be unconscious ways of communicating.

My T says he has learned to be very good at compartmentalizing. He has to separate work from home, and even client from client. He says he personally wouldn't be effective if he didn't, and that many therapists who burn out or end up having issues with boundaries are therapists who are unable to separate the aspects of their lives from each other. That isn't to say he doesn't answer calls, etc. outside of his office. He does. But he is able to move in and out of that role clearly and deliberately as he needs to.