Can you and ex T be friends?

I have a former shrink that I do miss, and even though it was my decision to leave, I still feel connected somehow. So occasionally, especially if there is news, I'll call and leave a message. And sometimes he calls me back and thanks me for letting him know.

I guess in a sense there is a grieving process there, but it nice to have a moment when I think about him and do act on it. We worked hard together and he did his absolute best. It just wasn't the right match at the right time.

They understand this. Some therapist start their first session or so with the idea of termination in mind and bring it up so loss on their side is a reality. On our side we have other things to consider, but it is also a loss to us.

I am a 31 year old female and my T is a 73 year old male. My wish has always been that after terminating therapy, he would be my mentor (we share a very similar taste): I could visit him once every couple of months and we'd talk about music, philosophy, literature, the meaning of life, over a cup of tea. This has been my only wish since the beginning and the only way I want us to be 'connected' in the future. Nevertheless, I don't know how realistic it is!

sounds lovely.

I ended Therapy on October 8. I did attachment therapy that can be some what controversial. We've gotten together two or three times for events. In the US there is no longer a two year waiting period just to be friends. Recheck your states ethics codes. There is a two year wait period to have a sexual relationships, and IMO there should be a LIFETIME BAN!

Tonight I was having a rough time. Eased the discomfort by leaning on friends and family. It helped, but I found myself wishing to be in therapy. So I sent this message.

"At this moment I wish I hadn't ended therapy, and I still had you to talk to professionally. I've stressed myself, and I have a new deadline: 7:00 a.m."

GTGT

I got a phone call from her less than an hour later, and I wasn't expecting it. We spoke for 22 minutes. I explained how I was working on my dilemma using my new skills, plus I felt a heck of a lot better after speaking with her. I ended the call, and wrote this email:

"Thanks for responding as a friend."

GTGT

In return she wrote:

"Thanks for listening, as a friend. I care about you and I worry for you. I also believe in you and I trust you will get through this - and you will get done what you need to get done and not let some vengeful, little man throw you off track."

Love,
F.M.

Also, in another recent email she wrote this to me:

I have suddenly gotten incredibly busy (not complaining) but I want to
take a look at my schedule and see if I can find a time to see you
before you leave - might have to be on Sunday. This month is just
going too fast.

FM

My response:

No problems in getting together. Time is tight for all of us. I will be glad to get together when I come back.

GTGT

As clingy and needy as I was during therapy at times, I've been able to manage this new relationship like the rest of my life with the skills I learned and use a lot outside of therapy. And, life is good.

##Addendum: Several months ago my computer was hacked, and at the time in consultation with my therapist I was told to abandon PC—for good. It's a very seldom thing in my life now.

Was talking to the T that I am now friends with yesterday. We decided that T's and client's could be friends once they got to the point that the therapy was so long ago that neither of them can easily remember what happened - that's our case. Gave us a good laugh!!

I wonder... Does a T really want to fill her address book with ex-patients? If every ex-patient wants to be friends, that puts a big dent in a T's free time.

I don't imagine either of the two I see having a desire to become friends with me. I assume they are capable of getting friends from a different base than their clients.

For a long time during therapy I wanted to be friends with T. I don't anymore even though I still highly respect her as a professional. What changed it for me was that fight we had this past August, when I was reminded that for the most part she only ever showed me herself at her best. That fight we had well I saw a part of her that was definitely NOT her best and to be her friend, I would have to be willing to see that occasionally. I know it sounds selfish kinda, but I would rather remember her at her best as a former client and not be her friend, than to be her friend and always be wondering if I might have to see that side of her again. Because, like, what ELSE might be behind that professional facade? That probably didn't come out the way I meant it to. It's not as if I don't still love the 'her' I knew in therapy because I totally do and who knows when I'll be able to honestly say I don't anymore. It's been 6 weeks and a day since my last appointment and I still think about her EVERY day at some point, as I'm still assimilating all the work we did together.

That makes perfect sense to me.

Artemis, you raise really good points here. It is a real relationship--warts and all--that is the potential, and I don't think it's for everybody. I think a lot of people view a post therapy relationship very unrealistically, and think they want it for all the wrong reasons. Hopefully, in most of those cases, the T is adept enough to see that and discourage the connection and so avoid the hurt.

I ended therapy somewhat unexpectedly due to T's illness and retirement, but was also well-prepared with a resolved transference and a beginning to be normalized relationship. And I didn't really have any thoughts about a continued connection until a few years later. But even with all that, while the bond is unchanged, and the feeling warm, the consistency I experienced from him in therapy is absent. He is present in his moods, whether they be positive or negative, and I have to be able to accept that without feeling impinged in any way for the relationship to remain healthy. I'm willing and able to do so, but it isn't challenge-free.

Yes and that's where I was trying to go without having to admit that's what I had been doing at first I mean wanting it for all the wrong reasons. Painful realization when I had it! And ouch at sitting here typing my admission. But y'know what now that I did I'm proud of myself for admitting it and it's not so much an ouch. (Oh good lord I think I just grew up a little more again. Am I my real age yet?! ) I must say I simply adore your wording "the T is adept enough to see that and discourage the connection and so avoid the hurt." Perhaps that's why the whole ugly thing happened in August. For this very reason. Because my ex-T is definitely adept enough. Wow.....amazing. Just amazing.

I meant to also say THANK YOU for your thoughts!!

After sleeping on this stuff last night, I think I had kind of a breakthrough. How about that? I woke up this morning feeling such a sense of freedom - and realized as I was walking to my car after work this evening, that I did not think or write about ex-T or therapy ALL DAY. Methinks I am truly beginning to let go of ex-T now, thanks to this discussion!!