I still fall into denial re my emotionally neglectful childhood. It's funny how our minds get distorted. How for me, phantasys filled the holes left by an inadequate mother.

But there are 2 incidents of kindness that stuck with me my entire life.

The first - a neighbour asked me when I was 5 if I wanted to go with her and her baby to visit her mother in law.
On arriving at her mil the mother in law smiled at me and said she knew I was coming and had an ice lolly for me.
She didn't know I was coming. The neighbour asked me spur of the moment.
But the greeting and way the mother in law see me. Talked to me. Freely offered me something felt so wonderful. I've never forgotten that meeting.
The second - when I was 23 and a active alcoholic I got drunk at work got escorted of the premises and got into a situation where I was attacked. The girl I worked with, had found me & took me home to her house. Her mother was cooking when we arrived. She asked me if I wanted to eat with them.
I was staggering with ripped clothing and I remember the look of compassion coming from her. She made a bed up for me.
That was 28yrs ago. That person I worked with found me on FB a week before Xmas. I asked how she and her mother were?
All fine. I told her how I always remember her & her mothers kindness that day.
Than on Xmas eve. Her mother died. I felt so tearful. A woman who'd I'd only met once many yrs ago, but had shown me a kindness I'd never had growing up could effect me so.

I look back into my childhood and no where are there examples of kindness. They just aren't there.
I know this woman's passing trigger the reality of what should have been between my mother and I. I can only think on it for a short while before what I missed out on feels to overwhelming.

[unaluna]

I think it's good that it expands to overwhelming. It shows you're still full of feeling, full of life, painful as it might be. It can eventually be contained, the flow held. I see a photograph of these incidents in my mind, flat, in black and white, and struggle to feel anything at all.

Eta: mine were so far out of the ordinary way of my life, that it was like i wanted to explain to these people, no, im not treated like THAT - in that normal way. I dont have that expectation. It seemed like a very special way of life to me, but it was far removed from mine.

I also tear up when I remember the kind things done for me along the way. Few were ever given me from my violent family of origin. Most were from strangers and acquaintances I've met along the way. I look at them as blessings and stepping stones that have helped me to survive this otherwise painful journey.