[peaches100]

Has antybody here, after several years of therapy, come to the conclusion that you have gone as far as you can go, and that the rest of you that has been damaged from your past is simply not repairable? If so, did you tell your t you felt this way? How did they respond? Did you go ahead and terminate or not? And how did it turn out?

I feel like I am at the point now.

[granite1]

I have and all she said is that I am not broken . hardly helpful at all . im sorry you are in this spot peaches but keep going at it .although my T may have been less then helpful in this what she said is probably true and I believe it is the same for you .

[elliemay]

Are your parents still in town?

I have come to that conclusion about myself. My therapist stopped seeing me recently. I told him this for years and finally I think he agreed with me. I am very, very broken. Beyond help. I finally realized this and am trying to just survive.

I don't think other people are too broken though. I would definitely talk this over with your therapist.

[anilam]

NO ONE IS THAT BROKEN

I do feel like that some days but in my heart I truly believe all ppl can be helped.
Yes, it's hard, takes a loooong time (much longer than I like) but it's worth it.
Not saying that you can undo your past, be the person you would have been without it... "just" that you can feel better and can overcome anything.

[SoupDragon]

l swing between feeling that l will always feel this way and have gone as for as l can and thinking mayb l have unrealistic expectations of what is achievable for me. What does "being fixed" look like? It can't be the absence of memories, that's impossible. I'm not sure what the answer is, other than to have faith in the process and keep chipping away at the stuff that blocks who we truely are.

[wotchermuggle]

I, too, still swing between the "everything's going to be alright" and "nothing will ever be better" mindset.

It's hard.

I hate it when people say this....because it feels like it sounds like we choose to be unwell, but it's not what I mean.

Eventually, you do get to a place where you have to make a decision. Am I going to choose to live the life I have left or am I going to give up and not pursue happiness anymore?

Change is difficult. The choice to start the change is so hard. If you are actively willing and working towards change, there is always hope.

[archipelago]

I don't think anyone is too damaged to heal. I can see the frustration though if you worked for years and things are not changing in the way that you want them to.

I had a moment this week, although not exactly the same, where I told my therapist that no reflection on him but that I didn't think I would ever resolve the damage done by my mother when I was too young to fully remember. He said that in a way we are working on it by acting parts of that out. While it is true that it was at a pre-verbal stage so I can't talk it through, there are other ways to deal with it. And he seemed to think those would work.

[Freewilled]

Yes...I feel this way a lot I told my T early on that I just feel damaged and he quickly told me "no, not damaged. Injured." I guess I see the distinction but it's hard. He said I can heal from it all but it will take work. What is this elusive "work" ?? I just am not certain.....I've recently begun to wonder if its not learning to care for myself - to have more self-compassion. That's just me though, so I don't know if it applies for you.

I've also nearly begged my T to conspire with me against myself by saying things like, "maybe this is just how I am, T! Maybe this is it...." And, "do I just need to accept that I'm like this? I'm difficult. This is just the way I am!" My T won't though....he says it's possible but he doesn't believe so. Sometimes I think I'm trying to prove I suck and get my T to agree or something. I know its not helpful...

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

He said I can heal from it all but it will take work. What is this elusive "work" ?? I just am not certain...

For me, it's when i have no more excuses not to do the right thing for me. I even told my t this, and he got this ridiculous look on his face, like the kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Trying to look all innocent. Like i hadnt finally figured out his tricks and ploys. Wily indeed.

[PurplePajamas]

Yes, I have told my therapist that I'm too broken, too damaged, to be fixed. I don't remember his exact response, but I know he believes people can always change, grow, heal, and work to make things better. I struggle with this a lot. I believe there's always hope for other people- it's just harder to see when it's me.
I think there is always hope for us unless we give up on ourselves. We'll always have some cracks and dents and they won't go away completely but we can move towards something better. But if we give up on ourselves, that's when we get stuck.

Peaches, do you feel like you're giving up?

Have you ever thought about getting a new therapist with a different approach?

I'm wondering if this is what I need as well. A new therapist. I don't know. It's so painful to think you're too damaged to heal, but maybe you need something different to help you.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by granite1

I have and all she said is that I am not broken . hardly helpful at all . im sorry you are in this spot peaches but keep going at it .although my T may have been less then helpful in this what she said is probably true and I believe it is the same for you .

Hi Granite,

Thanks for the encouragement. Maybe I'm just having a bad day. I feel so awful right now. Hopefully, I will snap out of it.

I've always had alot of commitment and motivation in therapy to get better. I've worked really hard. And whenever things have begun to feel llike "too much," I've managed to marshall my resources again to continue therapy. But I've sunk back into a hole again. And this time it feels deeper. Realizations about the therapy relationshp are starting to hit me in the face. And realizations about my parents.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by elliemay

Are your parents still in town?

Hi Ellie,

Yes, they're still here. They leave on Monday.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

I have come to that conclusion about myself. My therapist stopped seeing me recently. I told him this for years and finally I think he agreed with me. I am very, very broken. Beyond help. I finally realized this and am trying to just survive.

I don't think other people are too broken though. I would definitely talk this over with your therapist.

Hi Roseleigh 7,

Oh, I feel terrible about what happened with your t! I think even if we decide we can't make the necessary changes and feel hopeless, our t's should not agree with us!! It's one thing for us to decide on our own that we have gone as far as we can in therapy and want to quit. But I don't believe the t should make that decision for us. They should be able to honestly tell us if they feel that we are stuck. But not say something like, "Roseleigh, we've been working on such-and-such for a long time now, and you're not making progress. I don't think you're capable of getting better, so we should terminate." OUCH!

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

I have come to that conclusion about myself. My therapist stopped seeing me recently. I told him this for years and finally I think he agreed with me. I am very, very broken. Beyond help. I finally realized this and am trying to just survive.

I don't think other people are too broken though. I would definitely talk this over with your therapist.

Roseleigh7,

Don't let what your therapist did make you feel beyond repair. If you still have the desire and gumption to work on your healing, look for a t who can commit to the long haul with you. Good t's are out there!!

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by anilam

NO ONE IS THAT BROKEN

I do feel like that some days but in my heart I truly believe all ppl can be helped.
Yes, it's hard, takes a loooong time (much longer than I like) but it's worth it.
Not saying that you can undo your past, be the person you would have been without it... "just" that you can feel better and can overcome anything.

Hi Anilam,

Thanks for sharing your viewpoint. I usually have a pretty positive view toward the ability of people to make changes and improve their lives. But today, I feel like throwing in the towel!! I've been in t for 12 years!! And honestly, I have made big changes, even my h says so. I definitely have not been standing still. But probably the biggest issue I have is the issue that continues to be a problem for me. I'm just not sure it's a mountain I am going to be able to climb.

Thanks for reminding me also that healing doesn't mean getting the life that I would have had if my traumatic childhood had not happened. Those things can't be erased. It's possible that what I want is something that will "take away" that pain and fill the empty void from the past. I want to have now what I couldn't have then. But maybe that is just not possible. I'm known to expect too much from myself and other people. It could be that for me, healing is attaining a certain condition that is not possible considering my past.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

l swing between feeling that l will always feel this way and have gone as for as l can and thinking mayb l have unrealistic expectations of what is achievable for me. What does "being fixed" look like? It can't be the absence of memories, that's impossible. I'm not sure what the answer is, other than to have faith in the process and keep chipping away at the stuff that blocks who we truely are.

Hi Soupdragon,

Maybe this "swinging back and forth" from hope to depair and back again is part of the healing process. It seems like many of us have felt this way. I hope that my drive to continue therapy comes back. I also hope that my attempts to prove to my t that I am beyong repair don't work so effectively that she agrees with me. I need to know she doesn't share the same dismal view I have toward myself right now.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

I, too, still swing between the "everything's going to be alright" and "nothing will ever be better" mindset.

It's hard.

I hate it when people say this....because it feels like it sounds like we choose to be unwell, but it's not what I mean.

Eventually, you do get to a place where you have to make a decision. Am I going to choose to live the life I have left or am I going to give up and not pursue happiness anymore?

Change is difficult. The choice to start the change is so hard. If you are actively willing and working towards change, there is always hope.

Hi Wochermuggle,

This is the part of your comment that made me think the most:

"Am I going to choose to live the life I have left or am I going to give up and not pursue happiness anymore?

That's a good point. I'll be 50 soon, which means that my life is already 2/3 over (if not more - who knows?) How long do I want to spend feeling so much pain, shame, and need? What would help me the most and make my life better? More therapy? Accepting what I've learned from therapy, accepting what I can't change about myself, and then changing directions in my life and focus on something else?

I dunno.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by archipelago

I don't think anyone is too damaged to heal. I can see the frustration though if you worked for years and things are not changing in the way that you want them to.

I had a moment this week, although not exactly the same, where I told my therapist that no reflection on him but that I didn't think I would ever resolve the damage done by my mother when I was too young to fully remember. He said that in a way we are working on it by acting parts of that out. While it is true that it was at a pre-verbal stage so I can't talk it through, there are other ways to deal with it. And he seemed to think those would work.

Hi Archipelago,

Thanks for sharing what your t told you. Mine has said similar things to me. It's been hard for me to reconcile that in some ways, the therapy relationship IS supposed to be a sort of reparenting that helps fill those unmet needs. But becaus the needs are so great, the t can't fill them all. So it requires the patient to hold back their needs as much as possible so that they do not impose too much on the therapist or burn them out. For me, that is hard to deal with. either I dissociate my needs and then don't need my t's help -- or, if she probes and gets me to access my pain and needs, then it becomes extremely hard for me to contgrol those needs and not imose.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Yes...I feel this way a lot I told my T early on that I just feel damaged and he quickly told me "no, not damaged. Injured." I guess I see the distinction but it's hard. He said I can heal from it all but it will take work. What is this elusive "work" ?? I just am not certain.....I've recently begun to wonder if its not learning to care for myself - to have more self-compassion. That's just me though, so I don't know if it applies for you.

I've also nearly begged my T to conspire with me against myself by saying things like, "maybe this is just how I am, T! Maybe this is it...." And, "do I just need to accept that I'm like this? I'm difficult. This is just the way I am!" My T won't though....he says it's possible but he doesn't believe so. Sometimes I think I'm trying to prove I suck and get my T to agree or something. I know its not helpful...

Hi Frewilled,

I'm glad to hear that your t doesn't buy-in to your efforts to prove that you are too damaged to heal! T's have lots of experience in learning ways to help people overcome their problems, so your t has probably seen many examples of patients who had severe issues but managed to get through them and find a more peaceful, satisfying life. A good t will not give up on us easily.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by hankster

For me, it's when i have no more excuses not to do the right thing for me. I even told my t this, and he got this ridiculous look on his face, like the kid who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Trying to look all innocent. Like i hadnt finally figured out his tricks and ploys. Wily indeed.

Hi Hankster,
I feel dense, because I don't understand your post. ??? Could you explain it more? (Sorry!)

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by PurplePajamas

Yes, I have told my therapist that I'm too broken, too damaged, to be fixed. I don't remember his exact response, but I know he believes people can always change, grow, heal, and work to make things better. I struggle with this a lot. I believe there's always hope for other people- it's just harder to see when it's me.
I think there is always hope for us unless we give up on ourselves. We'll always have some cracks and dents and they won't go away completely but we can move towards something better. But if we give up on ourselves, that's when we get stuck.

Hi Purplepajamas,

Thanks for sharing this. I know what you said is true. . .if I do decide to give up on myself, I will get stuck. Because I will be choosing to accept where I have managed to get so far. . .but not try to get any farther.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

Peaches, do you feel like you're giving up?

Have you ever thought about getting a new therapist with a different approach?

I'm wondering if this is what I need as well. A new therapist. I don't know. It's so painful to think you're too damaged to heal, but maybe you need something different to help you.

Hi Roseleigh7,

Yes, at the moment, I DO feel like I am giving up. I hope this feeling is temporary. I have felt this way before a few times. But maybe never this strongly.

Yes, I've considered getting a different t, but I'm too attached to this one to find somebody else. Also, I am fairly certain that the problem is not with my t's qualifications. It's with me. But maybe you should get a new t. How long have you been seeing yours?

[caseygirl]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Has antybody here, after several years of therapy, come to the conclusion that you have gone as far as you can go, and that the rest of you that has been damaged from your past is simply not repairable? If so, did you tell your t you felt this way? How did they respond? Did you go ahead and terminate or not? And how did it turn out?

I feel like I am at the point now.

I really wanted to continue, but T felt as if I was "too far into it". My first experience with therapy opened up the csa, which started me on the horrible road of depression, hospitalizations, meds, ECT...... I became too attached to this therapist and it was detrimental. She broke it off after 5 years because it really was going nowhere, just putting me in hospital repeatedly.

I was devastated, however, in hindsight it was the best thing for me.