Triggered by T

Have you ever been triggered by T? I don't mean (at least I think so) the transference...

I don't know if anyone of you has seen the Devil's Advocate movie (with Keanu Reeves and Al Pacino). At the beginning of the movie there is a scene where a teenage girl is testifying in the court and she's describing what her teacher did to her. During that description, the teacher (sitting in the court) is touching the table in a very "specific" way and when he's advocate discovers it, he knows that the teacher is guilty...
When I was talking about the csa, my T was touching his armchair in exactly the same way - it freaked me out. I know that probably he even did not realize it and that it absolutely does not mean that my T is also "guilty" but it was so weird... Now when I talk about csa I just cannot look at him because I know what he's doing then... It's so annoying but on the other hand, I don't think that I will tell him about it, I just have to remind myself all the time that it doesn't mean anything - maybe he's just stressed when I talk about painful memories?

Sorry that you feel triggered. Perhaps your hypothesis is right, that your therapist feels for you and it is painful to hear? Not sure, but it is possible. My therapist actually asked me once that if I sensed that he was turning away from my pain to let him know because he admitted that sometimes he feels that he might have that reaction. Therapists can be very sensitive at times because they are trying to feel what you are feeling. And if they have a reaction they are not really supposed to intrude with it so it could come out in a non-verbal way.

It may be helpful to talk about with him. Sometimes t's don't know what they are doing triggers us (they can't read our minds, so if we don't tell them, they don't know). If it makes things much harder to talk about, I think it points to something needing to be addressed. It's ok top tell a t that something they do is triggering. If nothing else, at least they know.

Hmm, maybe that's actually the point, my T does not show any emotion, his face is like a wall - just no reaction to anything, sometimes I'm curious if he's listening at all because he tends to forget about many things but I guess that he has too many clients to remember everything about all of them. However, it is actually possible that he still feels something but he controls himself so well that only his fingers can betray him Thanks for your post, I think it's nicer to think in this way than in 100 other worse possibilities...

I think it's completely appropriate, helpful, and productive for you to ask your therapist not to make that gesture. I seriously doubt he would want to if he knew how it bothered you.

I've explained my reaction to a couple triggering things my therapist has done before and she's tried to learn from them and avoid a repeat. For me, it can be extra disturbing to be triggered in the emotion-laden, intense therapy environment, because I am so attuned to my therapist.

I know you don't want to talk to your T about it but I think it could help in more way then one. I think you are very brave for talking to your T about this.

My T has triggered me a few times to recall something. One time I was explaining how my friends husband was coming onto me and it felt uncomfortable, the way he hugged me, etc (I too had csa). And she goes, "Do you think he wanted a threesome?" Just the word threesome triggered me. I recalled alot that I had "Forgotten". And I spent the next five days in panic attacks and flashbacks and feeling bad.

This would horrify and unnerve me, I'm so sorry you're in this situation

My T has triggered me several times, mostly with things she says. Sometimes she will pick up on it right away, if I react, and we'll stop and talk about what happened. Sometimes, T doesn't notice, so I've learned that with T, I should stop and tell T that I've been triggered, so that we can talk about it. There have been times where I know I've been triggered but not really how or why - when that happens, I tend to shut down. I can verbalize to T that I'm triggered, but not how or why and so we move on and once I've figured out what's going on, I'll bring it back up with T again.

Every time I've brought something up with T, she's been very understanding about it. If it's something she's doing and feels it appropriate to stop doing so, she will. If it's something that I'm misinterpreting, or some normal everyday thing that is triggering to me, then she helps me work through it.

Thank you, I think you're right, probably he would not do that if he knew that it makes me sick... On the other hand, I guess, that even if I tell him, he will stop for one or two sessions but he will forget about it and he'll start doing that again (or he might be not aware of that he's doing it). What should I do then?

I think that would trigger me much more than this what my T does... Threesome? Oh gash, I think it had to be terrible for you.. It's just a word, right? But I can really imagine my panic attacks after saying something like that by my T... Thanks for sharing

Wow, and you really can talk to your T that her behavior might be a trigger? I still cannot imagine myself telling my T: you know, when you touch your chair like that, I feel disgusted because I imagine that you do that to me... Brrr...

It's taken me 3 years to learn that it okay to talk to T about this stuff, but yes, I can. It helps that my T is super observant and has learned what my reactions mean. Usually, when I'm triggered, she'll stop the conversation and say "you just had a reaction - what happened?" And I can tell her, "that tone of voice you used is triggering" or whatever.

My t has triggered me with words, but she knows about them and has apologized, when I discuss csa there are certain words she uses which i dont like, and I told her to stop or choose other words, and she was very appreciative with my honesty, it makes therapy work better for the both of us. I think you should tell him if it triggers you that much, good luck to you.

I think there is kind of a natural connection between hand movements and triggers for abuse memories. I talked very early in therapy with my current T about how her "innocent" hand gestures were dumping me into a dissociation. She offered to sit on her hands and I laughed and said, no, she didn't need to pretend not to have hands. I think that she is more still with her hands than she would naturally be otherwise, especially when I talk explicitly about abuse. But I noticed that just raising the issue with her diffused much of the triggery reaction to her hand movements.

You don't have to ask your T to change (or start the conversation this way). You can just raise the issue and see if it takes you to a natural resolution, "I notice that I feel panicked, triggered, when you do X". It is fine to ask him to change, if that's what you want, but my feeling is that having the discussion is where the real stuff is. If you start off by saying "don't do that", there may not be much conversation about it afterwards.

If he agrees, and then forgets eventually, I bet you'll find it easier to just ask him again to please not do that, since he's already heard and respected your wish once. It can take a while to break habits, true, if that's what his gestures are. Also, I agree with what a prior poster said about the value of you being able to discuss how you're triggered by the gestures: I think it likely that talking it through will help defuse it for you somewhat at least.

Hmmm... I think you did convince me, I'll try on Friday to bring it up... It scares me because if I don't say anything it won't be better but it also won't be worse, right? While if I tell him in the best case, he will explain why he does it and will reduce doing that (at least when I talk about csa) but he also could say that it's stupid/silly what I am saying and that it is obvious that he's not like my abusers and that I should get use to it because my reaction is not appropriate or whatever... (or maybe he even is like my abusers?)

"he also could say that it's stupid/silly what I am saying and that it is obvious that he's not like my abusers and that I should get use to it because my reaction is not appropriate or whatever... (or maybe he even is like my abusers?)"

I see three fears here, I want to mention each.

1. If he says "stupid," "silly," or anything similar when you tell him something bothers you, he's clearly acting inappropriately based on the standards of his profession. That would surprise me.

2. If he says you should get used to it because you're overreacting, well, he's not doing his job, is he? His job is to help you cope better, not tell you you're not coping and to deal with it.

3. Your reaction is understandable, completely understandable and common. If he invalidates you, that'd be another red flag.

I guess I'm really making the same point three times, ha- if he is competent he won't do the things you're worried about. Even if he says no, he will work through it with you til you feel better. That would be the worst case *reasonable* scenario in my mind, but he would still be respectful, understanding, and constructive. That's why you're paying him!

All of these seem unlikely to me. Could this be partly about how you feel about "bothering" people to accommodate you? I've been teaching my youngest that when a person says they are uncomfortable with something you're doing, even if you aren't doing anything "wrong", the basic human thing is to stop unless they are asking you to stop doing something that is somehow central to who you are. As in "I'm uncomfortable with you being open about your opinion" is much different than "I'm uncomfortable with the bright line shining during television watching."

I think most people do not want to make others uncomfortable, and I have always felt that my T's strove to make me as comfortable as possible, because that makes me more revealing and willing to disclose what I need to.

I agree with everyone else, and just wanted to add that I think your T would be glad that you brought it up. Therapy is supposed to be a safe place, perhaps especially for those who have experienced csa. It can be tremendously difficult talking about things related to this subject, and your T should want to create an environment that is as safe and comfortable as it could possibly be. I doubt he would be offended at all or think that you were being unreasonable for how you felt.

Thanks guys, I'll bring it up on Friday and let you know how it went (I hope you are right )
Leah, it looks so simple/obvious when you write it, thank you I think I would never behave like "the worst case scenarios" which I mentioned so why should he behave like that? I guess you're right, I'm just freaking out

Good luck bringing it up
I do think your t would want to know about this, he has [robably noticed your reaction and is wondering what is going on for you and if he know what it is, he wouldn't do it anymore.