[trdleblue]

I really don't know what is going on with me right now. My thoughts are all over the place, and I can't seem to calm myself down. Tonight I am supposed to have group, which will be the last meeting for three weeks, and I don't think I can get myself to go. I have an issue with group that has been going on for the past month, but I don't think that is the problem today. For some reason I am absolutely terrified to leave my room. I don't know if I had a bad dream or if something triggered me, but it's not normal for me to have this sort of reaction. If the feelings don't lesson later I want to try to force myself out, but honestly it even freaked me out to just go across the hall to my bathroom.

TW - My other issue has talk about sui.

I have always believed (at least in my adult life) that it would be morally wrong to kill myself. Lately though, I have been having strong thoughts of not wanting to exist anymore. When they started it alarmed me a bit, but not too much because of my thoughts about sui being wrong were still there. The last couple of days though, it is almost like my mind is trying to convince me otherwise. It's like I want to convince myself that it would be okay for me to do it. I'm even having little debates in my head about the subject, trying to rationalize why I could let myself do it. I know that this is not something I want, so why am I even fighting myself about it? I have t tomorrow, and I want to try to bring this up, but am quite nervous to do so. I have been so adamant with him in the past that I don't have those thoughts, I am scared about what his reaction might be. I am also a bit nervous that this anxiety about leaving my room will still be with me tomorrow. This will be my last t session for 2-1/2 weeks (the longest break I have ever had) because of the holidays. I am not really sure what I am asking for here, but I do know that I am struggling right now.

[Yogix]

I'm so sorry you are struggling. It really sounds like this is a tough time for you. I know you don't feel that you want to go to group, but I want you to imagine not being able to go to group for three weeks. It really seems like you could use some support, and going tonight may alleviate some pain and struggle - and it may be a good idea to take advantage of it since it won't be meeting for quite some time.

I really think you should address this with your therapist :/ it really sounds like you're struggling especially since you haven't really had these thoughts before. The holidays are such a tough time, and a lot of us are going to have to be withou a T for a few weeks, and I know how difficult that can be. It really seems that you should try to address it, and even talk about your fear from leaving your room.

Did something trigger that?

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[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by Yogix

I'm so sorry you are struggling. It really sounds like this is a tough time for you. I know you don't feel that you want to go to group, but I want you to imagine not being able to go to group for three weeks. It really seems like you could use some support, and going tonight may alleviate some pain and struggle - and it may be a good idea to take advantage of it since it won't be meeting for quite some time.

I really think you should address this with your therapist :/ it really sounds like you're struggling especially since you haven't really had these thoughts before. The holidays are such a tough time, and a lot of us are going to have to be withou a T for a few weeks, and I know how difficult that can be. It really seems that you should try to address it, and even talk about your fear from leaving your room.

Did something trigger that?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate it. I was able to get out and go to group this evening. It was very last minute that I was able to muster up the nerve to do so. I am mixed about how it want, but I know that it was better then me staying in my room. I am back now, and I feel that fear coming to me again. I am trying to fight what is going on.

I am not sure if something triggered me. For the most part I woke up with the fear, so I am wondering if it was from a bad dream that I had. Whatever happened it is not something concrete that I can point to.

I'm glad you made it to the group session. That was a courageous thing to do in your current state of mind. Maybe you can use the fact that you left your room to go to group, to be able to make it to T, too? I hope you'll go, it seems important that you do.

I can relate a little to the second part of your post, about it beginning to feel like the reasonable thing to do. Please bring it up with your T. It's important to talk about, and this kind of intellectual reasoning around it is not the same as planning, so your T won't report you. It can be really helpful just to know that somebody else knows. Especually over the break.

Take care.

[archipelago]

You may have been triggered somehow by something you are not aware of. These types of things can be hard to deal with because we can't find the clues to where it is all coming from.

About thinking of death, if you can't bring it up in therapy, which would be the best thing I think, then you could try calling a hotline to discuss this. They are used to a whole range of these types of thoughts and won't freak out to hear yours. They are well trained to handle almost anything and nothing will surprise them. Plus it's anonymous and free. So at least there's that.

[SeekerOfLife]

Tell your T! He/she needs to know. You need to be honest with him, so he can help you. Also, thinking about suicide is just walking on dangerous ground. I know. I have been there. Decide to be courageous. Hug yourself.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

I'm glad you made it to the group session. That was a courageous thing to do in your current state of mind. Maybe you can use the fact that you left your room to go to group, to be able to make it to T, too? I hope you'll go, it seems important that you do.

I can relate a little to the second part of your post, about it beginning to feel like the reasonable thing to do. Please bring it up with your T. It's important to talk about, and this kind of intellectual reasoning around it is not the same as planning, so your T won't report you. It can be really helpful just to know that somebody else knows. Especually over the break.

Take care.

Thank you for your words Mast. I did make it to t today, and I did tell him what was going on, although now I am somewhat regretting doing so. My regrets are not from his reaction, but just from my normal fear of being too much. I actually got through a lot that has been going on for me in the last week. I'm greatly embarrassed though, because I couldn't stop laughing and smiling through the session. He know's it is a nervous thing that I do, and I also realize that I do it when I am somewhat detached to what I am saying, but I still feel bad about it. I'm worried that it makes it look like I think everything I am saying is a joke to me.

[trdleblue]

Originally Posted by archipelago

You may have been triggered somehow by something you are not aware of. These types of things can be hard to deal with because we can't find the clues to where it is all coming from.

About thinking of death, if you can't bring it up in therapy, which would be the best thing I think, then you could try calling a hotline to discuss this. They are used to a whole range of these types of thoughts and won't freak out to hear yours. They are well trained to handle almost anything and nothing will surprise them. Plus it's anonymous and free. So at least there's that.

I do think that I was triggered by something, but I just don't know what it was. Not knowing and having the other thoughts I mentioned in my original post, kind of makes me feel like I am loosing my mind. Thank you for suggesting a hotline.

Originally Posted by seekersinking

Tell your T! He/she needs to know. You need to be honest with him, so he can help you. Also, thinking about suicide is just walking on dangerous ground. I know. I have been there. Decide to be courageous. Hug yourself.

Thank you. I did bring it up today. To me it feels like I am skirting the edge of a dangerous territory, but I am not quite there yet - thankfully. It just alarms me, because the thoughts have been growing, and that is not normal for me.