Mad as hell

I'm extremely angry. I should have a session right now but it looks that my T has forgotten... Last session before Xmas. I wanted to bring up how he triggers me but also other very important things to me... I even cannot call him because he has not given me any number. Next session in 3 weeks but I'm even not sure if I want to come...

Im sorry your T forgot. I assume you showed up and he isn't there? Try not to take it personally you have no idea if he forgot or something has happened in T's personal life. Is there no emergency number? At any rate, maybe you can take this missed appointment time to maybe journal out what you wanted to say , get it off your chest and onto the paper maybe this will help soothe you. I'm sorry and just wanted to acknowledge I hear you.

He does not allow me to think about sessions in between (if it's possible of course), so he would not appreciate it. I wrote him an e-mail: we were supposed to meet today at 3:40...
He responded: no, next time we meet in January...
And that's not true, I wrote date down just in case (and I would never forget it) andlast week I confirmed that and he agreed...
So now he'll pretend that it was my fault... So I even don't have a right to be angry at him, right?

People make mistakes and if you have proof he made a mistake you can either fight him on it, or let him go on thinking it wasn't his mistake.... either way you know what the truth is. You can be mad, I would be mad, the things about anger is it doesn't have to be ok'd by the person you are angry at. Just don't let the anger consume you. Regardless of what he agreed to about this appointment it apparently isn't happening, so try to let it go and then next appointment if you want to point out it was his mistake you can do so. But until then don't let it ruin your holidays.

That doesn't sound good at all. I would be mad too. To deny that the appointment existed is sloppy and inconsiderate, especially when there is a such a long break. I would definitely journal in between to get some of this out. And, this is just me though, I would write an angry email about how he is blaming you when he forgot. And how that isn't fair or professional. I would let him have but again that is just me. Mine would apologize regardless of what he thought because it upset me and part of his job is not to do that. Most therapists know that taking long breaks cause problems for many clients so they are extra careful. Since yours hasn't been, I would be pissed too.

He sounds pretty controlling. I have no idea how a therapist can prevent someone from thinking about whatever they want to think about.
I am sorry to hear he screwed up. You don't need his permission to be angry at him.

I wrote him an e-mail that I do not agree that we were not supposed to meet that I wrote it down and last week a read him loudly when we would meet before Xmas, so he could have said that 3:40 was not correct, couldn't he?

That's the point... That somehow he "ruined" my holidays... I'll go home where I'll meet three of my abusers and my only base are my parents and our last session finished like that that he was talking for 5-10 minutes why I should blame my parents, that they did not protect so they actually neglected me... I do not agree with that and I cannot accept that he thinks that it's not the abusers fault but my parents... That what I wanted to discuss to him that he should not say such things just before Xmas because even if at some level he is right that's for sure not what I should hear before going home...

Thank you... I would love to send him an angry e-mail but he would think that I overreacted and that it was my own fault... I only wrote the e-mail that I do not agree that we were not supposed to meet but of course he did not respond to it and he won't... He sent the first e-mail only to confirm our next meeting in January...
And I am even not angry at him, I just feel abandoned...

He does also a lot of psychoanalysis so I think this is his approach - clients do not think about the session, they do not prepare for it and when they come they just say whatever they think right now...

Shall I be angry at him? He makes me angry at me right now... And that's not fair, he knows that I am my own best critic, he even said that I am pretty demending to myself and I am harsh on me... But now he blames me, so I even do not know what I should think...

AGain - you can think about anything you want. He may advise a different approach, but he cannot prevent you from thinking about or planning or whatever. Just because he takes a stance does not make him correct.
Have you thought about trying a different approach with a different therapist?

My T's psychodynamic- no way he'd ever say what I should/shouldnt do- telling sb what they should think? WTH?
About the session- well he may have forgotten or he really thought you two didn't have a session...you'll probably never know- unless he owns it up and somehow I doubt that.
Blaming parents- one of my exT tried that. A. it's not helpful and B. it's not true (not in my case at least)

I wrote a letter in the thread "Dear T..." do you think that actually I could send it to him? Probably it's not a good idea...

It's almost not possible, I live in a different country and in this country English is also not the official language, so I had to find someone who can do therapy in English... And he's also a psychiatrist - thanks to that I do not have to pay 2300$ per month for seeing him (that's the rule here, if you have a therapy with a psychiatrist some money from session you can have reimbursed)... And I am not sure if I would be able to try once more...

I do psychoanalysis too, but it is not like that. It sounds like yours is more traditional. There are newer forms where there aren't those types of rules. Besides "self-analysis" in between sessions is to be expected and a useful thing to do. Remember you are his boss; he works for you. If something doesn't feel right, you are entitled to mention it and try to get some sort of response if not a change.

I would be really mad, too. And I don't understand the concept of not thinking about it between sessions - first, he is not the thought police, and second, the work is not supposed to happen only in the therapy room! My T would agree that it is better not to prepare too much for each session, but as for not thinking about therapy - no, that sounds really strange.

I guess I don't have any insightful comments to make, but just wanted to say that it is good to see that I am not the only person who does therapy in a language that's not my native tongue. I have read up a bit on research on therapy in a foreign language, the mechanisms that are in play, and so on. It's interesting. And it definitely works much better for me than trying to do it in my own language.

Yes, I think he is pretty traditional...
I slowly started to calm down... So now I'm rather in the mood "I don't care"... Surprisingly my T wrote another e-mail:

"It must be a misunderstanding" - the begining seems ok, why did not he finish his mail with this one sentence? "It must be a misunderstanding, I am sorry not to have expressed myself clear enough!
Best wishes
T"
Am I the only one who still understands that he still blames me? And this exclamation mark...

Ech, that's life, no one said that it will be easy... I think I won't send him any more e-mails. I already feel gulty for being so intrusive and sending him two mails! (however short ones)

I don't think he is blaming you. He is saying there was a misunderstanding and that it is because he wasn't clear enough. He is owning it.

Its hard to read true tone and intent from a series of words, hence why email therapy doesn't work. I agree I wouldn't email anymore, worst case scenario he see's it was a misunderstanding and is somewhat saying he realizes perhaps it was partially his fault.

I don't think it sounds like he is owning it at all. It sounds like he thinks you made the mistake. He thinks there was no session and he didn't make it clear enough that there was no session. If he agreed last time that there was a session, then the problem was not that he was "not clear enough." The problem was that he forgot and failed to write it down. It would bother me greatly if my T insisted there was no session when I knew for certain there was. T's are busy, have many clients, and often don't remember appointments unless they write it down. Clients, on the other hand, tend to know exactly when those appointments are and count "only 3 more days till session!" when something big is happening, like going home for the holidays and having to see their abusers. Even if T cannot recall making the appointment, he should apologize and see if there is anything he can do to help you prepare for such a big event. My T would probably offer something like a 10 minute phone call or at least a very kind email to apologize, regardless of whose fault it was, and say something supportive about the upcoming visit. It makes me angry on your behalf that T is insisting he didn't make a mistake and being rather cold by not offering you any kind words or support or asking you if you feel okay going home, given that you didn't have the session you planned in having to talk about this issue. I'm sorry for the situation and I wish you the best of luck in seeing your family.

Thank you very much. It's nice to know that not only I thought that my T is sorry not for the "misunderstanding" but for the fact that he did not tell me again and again when we would meet... In the firs e-mail, he wrote: "Our Sessions were: Tuesdays at 15.40 and Fridays at 10.50. Next Year, 2014,: Tuesdays 15.40 and Thursdays 8.50" but we have never met on Tuesday at 15:40! We met twice on Wednesday, twice on Tuesdays (at 3:10 and at 2:40) and twice on Fridays (once at 10:50 and once at 11:50). We did not meet at the regular times because I've just started and he put me when he dad time... I guess that's why we got confused at some point. For this reason last week on Tuesday I took out my notebook and ask him to confirm next three meetings before Xmas (I read days and hours) and he said "right"... I am just confused...

But this "stupid" session does not bother me so much anymore. What bothers me is the fact that he blames me, that it's my fault (so maybe he thinks that we actually were supposed to have a session today at 10:50? - oh gash). And I really hoped that he could at least offer me to call him or to send an email or at least to ask if I am fine or whatever. It's just like he confirmed that he does not care at all but what I expected - he's the "neutral" guy...

Thanks for your support

Heeh, I guess that my T will hate me but actually I don't care - in the worst case he'll resign, right? I sent him an e-mail (not aggresive I hope):

"Please do not find this e-mail intrusive and do not feel anyhow obligated to respond (actually I do not know your boundaries with respect to e-mails) - I just want to make my point of view clear as probably I won't dare to bring it up for our next session.

I can agree that I could have made a mistake in writing down. Since once I made such a mistake, I always double check. thus, last week on Tuesday when I said that from next year Fridays won't work for me and you started correcting dates for this year, I reminded that I meant next year and I said tha before Xmas we would meet on Friday at 10:50, on Tuesday at 3:10 and on Friday at 3:40, you said "right" so I took it as a confirmation.

I do not care anymore about this session today (even while I really needed it) or who made which mistake (if that helps you I can admit to everything) but I do care that you blamed me for it. In a very official mail you wrote when we had sessions this year and when next year (however this year only 2 out of 6 sessions took place at dates which you mentioned). When I disagreed, you wrote that you are sorry for not expreesing yourself clear enough. I could write in the same tone: I am sorry for asking you for confirmation only once (probably if I have asked twice, we could have realised that we thought about different times).

Thus, my "take home message" from today is that I cannot count on your support or good word before a tough time but I learnt that you can blame me (with or without any reason - does not matter) very easily.

Happy New Year and see you in January, "

If anything, someone with a psychoanalysis background should want you to think about things more, not less.

How does he prevent you from thinking between sessions?

Is there anyway you can put this issue in a box, so to speak, and let yourself enjoy the holiday and revisit this issue in the new year? I'd hate for you to be angry for several weeks

I would be so angry about all of this too. It sounds like you are not even just reacting to this event, but maybe at how everything has built up over time. I hope he will take ownership for his mistake, or at least consider the possibility that he was wrong!

I am so sorry this happened to you and that now your t is trying to shift the blame to you. I hope you won't allow it and will stand up for yourself and tell him he was wrong.
I don't really like the sound of your t- something about him is giving me read flags, the wish to control your therapy and then being so adament that he couldn't possibly make a mistake or acknowleding it even. He could have said sorry about this misunderstanding and not even blamed anybody. Sounds like he needs to do a lot of work on himself- ut i dont know him so I cant say that for sure. I hope it gets sorted out and he admits his mistake

It's not that he says: you must not think about the therapy between sessions. He only said that it would be the best but he's aware that at the begining it might be not so easy... And he said that when I told him that I have problems with handling these breaks or when I told him that for instance there are two topics which I'd like to discuss or that I am not sure from what I should start - then he says that I should not think about it and just say everything spontaneously and I should nit think about the topics before the session (I guess he does not know that spontaneously I would not tell him anything ).

Thanks for the whole suport - it really helped (I guess sending him the last e-mail helped a bit as well - I wrote him what I think but actually I do not need his response, I'm calm now).

I guess I will be able to "forget" about it for two weeks - I'm pretty good in pretending that nothing has ever happened and for sure I'll have more important issues to focus on during my stay at home...

Hahaha - I will manage to forget everything what my T has said and I will be able to enjoy my holidays - how naive was that... It's the first day at home...

(Possible trigger)

He went with me to "my" room. Nowadays someone else sleeps there but whenever I come it's again my room and I sleep there... He's sweet, too f.....g sweet - he's fake... This summer he told me that he had realized that everything what he had done to me and what he had taken as bad dreams probably had really happened - miracle! I guess that was supposed to mean "I'm sorry"... He also said that he wanted to rebuild our relationship but I don't have to worry - he'll take care of it... Probably he still doesn't remember everything - then he would know that he can't rebuild our relationship without me... But now he is sweet - I don't trust him, I feel weird. He's talking about all changes which he has made in my room (not for me, I don't live here) - he has done a good job, I have to admit it, new furniture, colors... Only the window is the same... Window!! This window which in hurry I was closing just after locking my door and praying that he won't manage to enter my room... This window through which he watched me (from the balcony) when I was changing my clothes, this window to which he knocked in the middle of the night to scary me... The window which he wanted to destroy just after kicking and punching my door and letting me know what he would do to me when he enters the room... I was sitting in the floor, terrified... I didn't exist... No, I exist, I sit in the same room... With him... We are talking about new colors of the walls... The world is so funny... That's the first day at home, still many before Jan 5th...

It would be so easy if my T hasn't opened so many "doors" - I wish, he could had closed some of them before he sent me for Xmas holidays...

I'm not sure why, or if it's helpful, but I read this and I smile. I think I like your spirit. If I wanted to work things out with you, it would be pretty easy. You've laid it out very clearly from your perspective.