[Elektra_]

what happened to "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"? clearly for me thats the biggest bulshit ever or i suck pretty bad!!! clearly i have to change who i am in order to fit this ****ing world of people that love playing mind games, lie and have little values. im too everything... so im supposed to come up with things i want to work in therapy. but wait, how do i want to change something if in my innocence i dont think im wrong? life is funny.. really..

[Favorite Jeans]

Maybe don't think of going to therapy as a way to change who you fundamentally are but rather to become more comfortable in being that person. And hey, nothing wrong with picking up some useful skills and insights along the way.

[Freewilled]

I know. Doesn't seem fair, does it? Sometimes I feel kinda like that too /: My T is always saying "maybe there could be a change in you..." when I say things like there's nothing I can do to change the things that are tearing me up - the externals. I honestly don't get it when he says that....I just don't know what that looks like and how to make it tangible. I wish I had more insight to offer you.....

[Elektra_]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Maybe don't think of going to therapy as a way to change who you fundamentally are but rather to become more comfortable in being that person. And hey, nothing wrong with picking up some useful skills and insights along the way.

nah i do have to change. people dont like me the way i am. and t saw my interaction with people and said i had to.

[pbutton]

I tend to think about it as making myself better.

[mixedup_emotions]

I'd imagine that there is a lot getting in the way of me "being who I am".

Rather, by working on my issues and becoming more self-aware, I can have greater understanding of who I am and greater control over how I want to live, act, be.

By working through the yuck, I can have greater access to all parts of me...and be more of "who I am".

I'm far from there....but it is my hope.

[FeelTheBurn]

Well, Elektra, even knowing you might need to change how you interact with people, doesn't mean you need to change the fundamental "you." Your values, priorities, your dreams, the things you love...all that can stay the same, if it serves you well. You can change your behavior without changing your basic self. You may learn a world about yourself, and become much more comfortable with yourself, if your interactions with others improve.

It can be a scary process, and subjecting yourself to change is a courageous act, because you don't know what lies on the other side of that change. So take it slowly, and don't try to see too far into the future, or guess about the end result. This is a situation in which "one step at a time" is a really good idea.

[ECHOES]

I feel like therapy is helping me become the person I want to be.
Change is growth and learning. I'm all for it.

[Perna]

I just think your reasons for change have to change, not you.

[Elektra_]

Originally Posted by Perna

I just think your reasons for change have to change, not you.

uh? u lost me

[Elektra_]

Originally Posted by FeelTheBurn

Well, Elektra, even knowing you might need to change how you interact with people, doesn't mean you need to change the fundamental "you." Your values, priorities, your dreams, the things you love...all that can stay the same, if it serves you well. You can change your behavior without changing your basic self. You may learn a world about yourself, and become much more comfortable with yourself, if your interactions with others improve.

It can be a scary process, and subjecting yourself to change is a courageous act, because you don't know what lies on the other side of that change. So take it slowly, and don't try to see too far into the future, or guess about the end result. This is a situation in which "one step at a time" is a really good idea.

hi. im quite witty, expressive and like to joke but apparently the way i do it is misinterpreted by people according to my t. she knows i dont do it on purpose but she says im harsh sometimes therefore people dont get too close. ive been like this for longg time and now i have to change it? and if i do whats the fun of being boring???

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

hi. im quite witty, expressive and like to joke but apparently the way i do it is misinterpreted by people according to my t. she knows i dont do it on purpose but she says im harsh sometimes therefore people dont get too close. ive been like this for longg time and now i have to change it? and if i do whats the fun of being boring???

I'd imagine that through this process, you will be able to retain your wittiness and sense of humor - but that it, too, will evolve.

I, too, enjoy being witty and sarcastic with my humor. I find that, at times, I don't "feel" funny anymore. Other times, it just comes out - just like old times. My T even enjoys my wit and humor, so it doesn't need to be lost.

[Perna]

You seem to want to change because everyone else is demanding it of you, so you can fit in and be liked. Well, you technically can change/seem to change for that reason but guess what, you still won't fit or be liked.

You are the right size, it is the pants that are too small.

Look at you and at your size; get to know you and what your size means to you. Don't look out there at "them" and what they want, look inside at what you want. You can't change them, make them like you, make you fit into their spaces (like I said, technically you can make yourself fit into their spaces but the spaces won't become "you"; it's like off-the-rack clothing versus tailored).

[Elektra_]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I'd imagine that through this process, you will be able to retain your wittiness and sense of humor - but that it, too, will evolve.

I, too, enjoy being witty and sarcastic with my humor. I find that, at times, I don't "feel" funny anymore. Other times, it just comes out - just like old times. My T even enjoys my wit and humor, so it doesn't need to be lost.

yah im like that too and she actually laughs now too. but i dunno.. it felt like she was saying i would remove those characteristics...

[wotchermuggle]

I used to think the same way. I kept asking my therapist how I'm supposed to change into this other person I'm supposed to be. He said it's not about changing who you are but being more myself and being happy with who that is.

[Elektra_]

Originally Posted by Perna

You seem to want to change because everyone else is demanding it of you, so you can fit in and be liked. Well, you technically can change/seem to change for that reason but guess what, you still won't fit or be liked.

You are the right size, it is the pants that are too small.

Look at you and at your size; get to know you and what your size means to you. Don't look out there at "them" and what they want, look inside at what you want. You can't change them, make them like you, make you fit into their spaces (like I said, technically you can make yourself fit into their spaces but the spaces won't become "you"; it's like off-the-rack clothing versus tailored).

no one is demanding. i just know people dont like me and ive become aware its bc i speak my mind and the way i joke. therefore i need to change for them to like me. if all people dont like me im the wrong on not them...

[Elektra_]

sooo today we finally did something to work on. damn 6 months after i posted this thread... we had been just going through my time line of good/bad events in my life that i had done for the other therapist and added the ones from this year. now finally she touched the subject "change" again. so she asked me whats the issues that seem to make relationships difficult. i think she wanted me to say 5 that we will talk about in sessions but i think i dont remember all. hypersensitivity; being frontal (filter); pessimism; sarcasm/joking and the other i cant remember... lets see how this is going down

[Freewilled]

I feel like I've made some major changes in my life since starting T....but how do you know when you have made enough of them? I still don't fully get the "maybe there could be a change in you" comment from T regarding relational and past family stuff lol he still says it to me sometimes

The sort of joking, sarcasm, being harsh like you describe-those are defenses to protect yourself. It's not that you would change, no. Instead you would reveal the 'you' that's behind the defenses.

You'd still be the same person, but freer to be and express yourself. Your true self.

[Elektra_]

hi hun.. as u said in other reply i always tell her there is no miracles referring to me changing but she just said i always think in radical way... that is just an adjustment. if u have made big changes he just keeps telling u are able to do a lot more maybe? ask him when is it enough? when u find urself happy with ur life and like u can deal with probs without putting in jeopardy ur health? dont ask me congrats though

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I feel like I've made some major changes in my life since starting T....but how do you know when you have made enough of them? I still don't fully get the "maybe there could be a change in you" comment from T regarding relational and past family stuff lol he still says it to me sometimes

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

hi hun.. as u said in other reply i always tell her there is no miracles referring to me changing but she just said i always think in radical way... that is just an adjustment. if u have made big changes he just keeps telling u are able to do a lot more maybe? ask him when is it enough? when u find urself happy with ur life and like u can deal with probs without putting in jeopardy ur health? dont ask me congrats though

Thanks Electra...I've made a major external change and maybe some change in perspective stuff (minor) that seem to have stuck so far....but the "change in me" he was referring to was about my past and my family upbringing. I don't get that cause I can't change what happened or the resulting life circumstances and pain that have resulted. I like that idea of it being more of an adjustment....I, too, think I can see things in a radical way, but maybe there is a different way that I'm just not seeing yet. I hope so.

[Elektra_]

hi. yeah it is defense mechanism... and now hat u wrote it seems quite scary but in some way is adjusting the way i present myself to others i think..

Originally Posted by Autumn Skies

The sort of joking, sarcasm, being harsh like you describe-those are defenses to protect yourself. It's not that you would change, no. Instead you would reveal the 'you' that's behind the defenses.

You'd still be the same person, but freer to be and express yourself. Your true self.

[Elektra_]

u cant change ur past but u can change the way it affects ur present.. might be that... u learned postures, attitudes, ways of perceiving the world that might be wrong (im like this) due ur past/upbringing and now ur learning how to "correct" it..

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Thanks Electra...I've made a major external change and maybe some change in perspective stuff (minor) that seem to have stuck so far....but the "change in me" he was referring to was about my past and my family upbringing. I don't get that cause I can't change what happened or the resulting life circumstances and pain that have resulted. I like that idea of it being more of an adjustment....I, too, think I can see things in a radical way, but maybe there is a different way that I'm just not seeing yet. I hope so.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

u cant change ur past but u can change the way it affects ur present.. might be that... u learned postures, attitudes, ways of perceiving the world that might be wrong (im like this) due ur past/upbringing and now ur learning how to "correct" it..

Yes Posturing, Attitude(s)), Perception...

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

u cant change ur past but u can change the way it affects ur present.. might be that... u learned postures, attitudes, ways of perceiving the world that might be wrong (im like this) due ur past/upbringing and now ur learning how to "correct" it..

Hmmm....hard for me to swallow the idea that what I learned might be wrong. I know it's prob the case, but I guess I'm kinda in denial about that. Like I learned the way people reeeaaallly are and my T missed that memo. Idk....I guess I see more of what you meant in your original post: how come we have to change? Seems like the whole world is sorta upside down, not me, you know? It just doesn't seem so fair that after all that crap, i have to do more.....But I'm willing to challenge myself with this thought process because it is very lonely and not really helping me.