A Little More (I apologize!)

Just a couple of other things that have contributed. . .

When I visited my mom and dad one year, they had pictures of my sister on the wall, but none of me.

When my folks used to come for a visit, since they were driving through an area that is known for having great melons, we used to ask them if they would bring us a honeydew melon. Sometimes they would forget, or they would bring us a cantelope. I would tell them that my husband is allergic to cantelope. So the next year, they would bring us another cantelope, and I would tell them the same thing. One year, they finally did bring us a honeydew, it was overripe and in bad shape, as they got it half price.

When I go with my mom and sister to the used book store, they huddle together and talk about which books they want to trade in and which ones they want to get. They often do this wtihout including me in on it, even though I am with them. It would be easy for me to think that I'm just imagining being left out, but one day, the lady at the counter said, "What's wrong? Won't they let you talk?" So she noticed it too.

These are all "litle things." But I guess it's just the fact that there have been so very many "little things" that have added up to make me feel like my parents don't love me or care about my welfare. They generally don't ask any questions about my life or feelings, what I've been doing, how my hobbies are coming along, etc. The most they usually ask if how work is going. This year, my mom actually asked me if I had read anything interesting lately. It surprised me, in a good way.

I should say too that my mom is very smart and talented. She is very ambitious. Even as a retiree, she is a part of 5 musical groups that perform in front of audiences. She was the president of her women's group at church. It is very important for her to be successful and be noticed for it. So I have always tried to contratulate her on all of her achievements, which she talks about alot. But I just wish that my parents would see something in me to feel proud of, or to compliment me on. I feel like my mom's cheerleader, even though I don't have a cheerleader. I also never talk negatively to my dad or criticize him, even though he has treated me badly at times. I try hard to be forgiving. But a part of me inside feels cut to the core.

Anyway, I'm sorry to go on and on. And I am sure that I am probably not presenting the situation accurately. I probably have not talked about the good things with my parents. I have probably forgotten some of the things they've done for me. But it seems like it's the things that have hurt me so much that have scarred me, and those are the things I struggle with. There's no opporunity to try to talk things out with my parents, as our family just does not "do that." In therapy is the only place I can work things out.

I'm so sorry that these things happened to you.

I wonder if your mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She sounds a lot like my mother.

Many of the events you recounted--and especially the felt unimportance--sounded familiar to me (except that in my family it was my mother who was the more noticeable drinker). Dinner time was always completely absorbed by my mother's mind-numbing, endless, detailed recounting of the events of her day.

The little digs, as you call them, are hurtful - especially when you are sensitized to them. Clearly, your parents aren't going to win any parenting award. Inconsistent parenting is some ways way way worse than just flat out negligence. It's the push pull. Unfair and wrong.

But.

They aren't going to change and, really, sometimes you have to ask "is it really worth my peace of mind dealing with their crap and wishing for something that's not going to happen?"

Even if they totally acknowledge every single thing they did wrong, you would still be in the same place. It wouldn't fix much.

And, again, they aren't likely to change at all.

My parents used to bring me my birthday cakes half eaten. At first it hurt, but now, well, it's kinda funny. They are such jackasses that way.

It's all in how you look at it, and it takes time to look at it in a healthier way.

As adults we can recognize eggregiously bad behaviour and call it out for what it is, set boundaries, and, perhaps, with time, develop a sense of humor about the present.

Again, is it really worth your peace of mind wanting someone to change?

For me, I decided (over time) that it wasn't.

It'll all work out, you'll see. Trust yourself.

Mine is terrible for that as well. She once asked me how I could stand to look at my son as he was so irritating! I try and see the funny side and acknowledge the fact that comments like this hurt enormously but that in her own way she means no harm and will never change. I have 4 siblings who are all treated differently and my therapy is more about trying to convince myself that I'm not bad that this is more about her not me. I'm sorry this has happened to you and I'm sorry for the pain it has caused and is still causing. I hope one day you get to the point where it doesn't hurt so much.

Thank you for every person who replied to me. My parents are visiting in town right now. So I can't think or talk about this while they are here or I won't be able to keep balanced and have the visit go OK. I have to bury the pain while they are here or I won't be able to function right. But i appreciate every response here, and i will come back to reply soon after the visit is over.

I love this community.

Peaches