In a relationship with a therapist ?

I used to think it would be great -- now I'm not so sure. A good T knows how relationships work, inside & out, so they know ALL the tricks that can be used to win arguments and shoot holes in what the other person is saying.

I've gotten in a few heated arguments with my T, and it's absolutely amazing how he could make everything my fault. He mocked me & it upset me, & I told him, but then he said I set him up to do that by something I said. In other words, it was MY fault that he mocked me. WTF?? Another time he blew up because he misunderstood me, & later said he got upset because I used "nuclear" words. So it's my fault that he lost his cool??? I feel sorry for his wife! It would drive me even crazier than I already am if I had to argue with a professional arguer.

Never been in a relationship with a Therapist per se but was in a relationship with someone studying to be a Psychologist early on in College (we broke up though only after a few months and haven't kept in contact with her).

I came across a site that mentioned that many children of therapists can get jealous of the therapists clients.

No, I can't find the site, it was a few months ago but was explaining all the difficulties therapists can often have in their personal life.

Makes sense because the clients get the best side of the therapist. Naturally the kids long for that and are jealous that someone else gets it more than they do.

-Hope

I am married to a therapist. I can promise you that he is just a regular man. He is moody, gets angry, leaves his underwear on the floor, he doesnt always control his emotions very well, he can be judgmental, he gets sick.
Believe me his clients definitely get to see his best side and get the best of him.
I would love for him to be at home the way he is with his clients.
I hear him in his office, i hear how he talks to people. I hear how his clients rave about him and how other therapists rave about how awesome he is.
He does not want to bring his job home with him. He is not on the clock after 6 pm. He does not make any attempts to treat me as a client or be a therapist with me, so usually the empathy, compassion, and nonjudgment and unconditional positive regard that he has for clients goes out the window for his home life

Every single therapist I know is divorced. I am thinking of the five that are our tutors and my own t, I think it is all the analysing and the nit picking of others behaviours and although they are very nice people I do see another side to them that is controlling and they do project their anger and blame others. They are only human but after ding s much personal development I am kind of disappointed that they still blame others.

I think how good a T (or anyone) is as a partner depends less on their professional training and more on how much work they have put into addressing their own issues.

Thank you so much to everyone, the posts were very interesting and informative I guess being with a T must be nice at times but like most ppl said they are just normal ppl and of course not in therapy mode in real life.

I saw one for awhile...he was really a very "normal" (define that as you will) person.

Just because someone is good at something (i.e. their job) doesn't mean it carries over to the other aspects of their life.

Example: growing up, my mom worked at or own a preschool. Everyone (teachers, parents, kids) loved her. Even I'll admit she was great at it. But at home, it was a different story. She was no mother to me or my 2 sisters. Maybe it wore her out taking care of other people's kids? Idk.

No one is perfect. No one is a super hero. And besides, if therapist did open up about all their problems to show us their imperfections, would they still be your therapist? Or would the relationship be more even and they become a friend?

Very interesting topic. I found this link online about the effect a T's job has on their family. It's a bit lengthy but scroll down to the bottom for the most interesting part, under the heading "Impact of the Profession on the Therapist's Family".

Psychotherapists and their Families, by Ofer Zur, Ph.D.

I know my former T has been married for at least 30 years, and has 2 grown sons. I think his respect for women probably makes him honor his wife more than the average person would. He also struck me as someone who takes his commitments seriously. But I think he's probably a better therapist than a husband, because he had his own clients, plus was a university professor, plus a mentor to grad students, plus wrote for professional journals, and traveled in-state and out of state to give workshops to other professionals. But then again, maybe his wife accepted his absences, and they were both OK with that. Just wouldn't have been my choice for a spouse.

It's not like that at all. A therapist has a very specific relationship with her client where the exchange is the therapist's services for the client's money. Though it isn't always obvious (the way it would be if she were building a house or something) that therapist is hard at work. She isn't just hanging out being herself. She definitely is a different person when she's out running errands, frustrated with her spouse, caring for her kids etc.

Also she is entangled in her personal relationships in way that she isn't (or shouldn't be) with her clients. It would be incredibly unhealthy to give your girlfriend/boyfriend or spouse unlimited, unconditional positive regard and attend to their feelings with no expectation of reciprocity. Sure their partners might benefit from the therapist's insight and skill from time to time but believe me (my dad is a T) they are just regular people with lots of blind spots...

They also get compassion fatigue and generally their loved ones feel that sooner and more acutely than their clients do. So ironically therapists' spouses and partners sometimes get less attention, empathy and concern than they might from a spouse in a different field.

That was the website I was on about. There's a bit there about the family being jealous of the therapists clients.

Not a romantic relationship, but one of my old housemates was a CBT therapist. We were friendly on a level for the year, and I thought she was very sweet but a bit simplistic and blinkered and privately marvelled at the thought that people were relying on her to guide them along difficult paths. In fairness she was at a very early stage in her career. She told me bits and pieces about clients (never naming names or details etc).

She had a difficult relationship with her boyfriend - he had been controlling and a bit aggressive, but they were trying again, but she had slept with his best friend etc. She was quite judgmental in her outlooks, and came from an exceedingly sheltered background. Did unfair things like run off on holiday and not bother helping to clean the house before we moved out, left it up to the rest of us. At the end, we had a massive falling out (she became insanely passive aggressive and refused to talk to me because I 'scared' her - I was furious with her for selling me down the river to the property letting agency who screwed me out of my desposit) and never spoke again. So, no, I don't think being a therapist automatically makes you a good friend or partner

One of my former bosses had a Masters in Psychology. His original job was training managers on how to treat their employees. Evaluating and testing emploees for how effective they would be in their positios, etc. ehen our company sold, he was basically dumped into thr General Manager position. We conflicted a lot. He would put me in specific situations that stressed me out or made me work long hours, not because it was specifically necessary for the business, but because he thought it would be a good 'growing' experience for me.

He was a jerk. And only in the last year he was there, was there any kind of acceptance of each other. I cannot to this day stand it if I feel like I'm feeling manipulated.

My roommate is a therapist. It's kind of intimidating for me for some reason.... but at the same time, I could never picture her as my therapist or as anyone elses therapist. She doesn't seem very self aware, and has many rocky relationships with kids/ex's. I think it's the blank slate of not really knowing our therapists that makes us think they would be the perfect friend/mate/lover. If we really knew them, we'd probably feel differently.

I think you are overestimating therapists - they really don't have as much power in their personal lives as they do with their clients. At least, most of them don't. Of course a T will influence his clients and he knows much about his clients' private thoughts, feelings, histories, and motivation. This is not the case in personal life - they often don't have the same privileged role and understanding, they don't have as much influence. I know there is a difference between how I feel if my therapist does or doesn't say or do something, and how I feel if some other therapist I know (who is not my T) does or doesn't say or do the same thing.

In my opinion, a good therapist is not the one who can win any argument, but the one who respects you as a human being and knows how to work with you toward reaching your goals. I'm sorry you felt so belittled by your T. Hope you can work things out.

I liken it to how my mom was as a nurse. She is the most awesome, attentive, friendly, compassionate, understanding nurse in the world! I was so jealous of her patients as a kid. She was so tired when she was home because that was a fasade. She really did care about the patents but she hated her job. She was far from the nurse growing up but she was the nurse when we were sick.

I know my t really well and have spent of time with her outside the office. I have seen her get angry at people, get upset, get frustrated, and cry. I have heard her get in arguments. She is just a regular person.just like all therapists are. They are not perfect.

I think to be in a realationship with a T you need to be the one there for them, rather then them there for you.

I also think this dynamic works better with a male in a realationship with a female T, simply because men overall like to be protective ones.