[Asiablue]

ugh.... i hate that!

I literally couldn't volunteer any information, didn't want to talk and sat there thinking WTF and i even doing here today? She seemed to flounder a bit too cos i was giving so little. She was trying to engage me and interpret how i was feeling or viewing some things that happened in between session when i text her and she was just guessing wrong and i couldn't be bothered correcting her, i didn't want to give a thing away.

The whole session was just flat.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Sorry to hear it didn't go too well. When did you last see each other? Could it perhaps be that a longer gap than usual between sessions due to Christmas hampered the connection a little, but things will be good again next time?

[Asiablue]

no, she hasn't taken a break over the holidays.

I just wasn't able to connect with her. I think she felt it too because she said she felt a closeness in our texts but then it's gone today and that she's aware of a push/pull thing going on for me.

[purplemystery]

I've been there. I hate that experience too- I get so frustrated with myself and fight with myself to say something, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Then I feel awful for wasting time for both of us. Sometimes, for me, I'm either testing her in some way or reacting from embarrassment or anger from a previous session. Is it anything like that for you? You said that you "didn't want to give a thing away." Was there something in particular that may have set it off?

[IndestructibleGirl]

Ugh, that sounds difficult Are you allowed to call? Maybe see if you can just for a couple of minutes, to reach out and hopefully re-ignite connection? Has worked for me before when I've needed to reassure myself our overall connection was still strong and bright after anxiety about it. Or an email if you'd prefer that to the phone?

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I've been there. I hate that experience too- I get so frustrated with myself and fight with myself to say something, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Then I feel awful for wasting time for both of us. Sometimes, for me, I'm either testing her in some way or reacting from embarrassment or anger from a previous session. Is it anything like that for you? You said that you "didn't want to give a thing away." Was there something in particular that may have set it off?

yeah, something happened that made feel a bit crap and i am feeling angry with her, but i know it's not really about her if that makes sense. But i just don't know how to act around her or protect myself so i'm a bit frozen. But at the same time i know i'm being ridiculous about the thing i'm angry at her for...

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Ugh, that sounds difficult Are you allowed to call? Maybe see if you can just for a couple of minutes, to reach out and hopefully re-ignite connection? Has worked for me before when I've needed to reassure myself our overall connection was still strong and bright after anxiety about it. Or an email if you'd prefer that to the phone?

I'm not really allowed to call unless i'm really struggling. And i just don't feel like i want to do that anyway...

[Raging Quiet]

When that happens to me in sessions, t says it's because my energy is flat so the session is the external embodiment of that. She also links it to feeling depressed.

I hate sessions like that; I just want to get up and go!

Sorry your session sucked have you hit a wall with her. I think it's good that you are aware of this resistance and the push pull thing. Perhaps you are not ready to share more yet and you are keeping yourself safe for the moment?

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[Asiablue]

i have hit a bit of a wall with her. I'm glad to be aware of the push pull thing, and i am aware exactly why i'm doing what i'm doing, yet that awareness doesn't stop me from doing it and that's what the wall is. I don't know or more accurately I am not ready to push thru the discomfort.
I'm struggling to connect with her on a deeper level because i just don't want it, or can't cope with it. I want the deeper connection but don't want it because it makes me emotionally unstable. I'm unable to have a normal attachment to her.
So i am stuck.

Can you talk to her about being stuck and not wanting to connect with her?
She probably is aware of it too and knows why you are withholding just as you know why.
She is probably waiting for you to initiate the conversation about it.
Maybe if having a conversation about it is too difficult right now how about illustrating it through one of your paintings?

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Originally Posted by Asiablue

ugh.... i hate that!

I literally couldn't volunteer any information, didn't want to talk and sat there thinking WTF and i even doing here today? She seemed to flounder a bit too cos i was giving so little. She was trying to engage me and interpret how i was feeling or viewing some things that happened in between session when i text her and she was just guessing wrong and i couldn't be bothered correcting her, i didn't want to give a thing away.

The whole session was just flat.

Maybe T should have just stayed in that place with you.
Sounds like you were trying to communicate something important.

[sweepy62]

I am sorry your session didnt go well, these things happens sometime in therapy, I get frustrated and dont even want to talk, or I will start a conversation and change my mind, but then she will not let me drop it. I hope that you get your connection back.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Can you talk to her about being stuck and not wanting to connect with her?
She probably is aware of it too and knows why you are withholding just as you know why.
She is probably waiting for you to initiate the conversation about it.
Maybe if having a conversation about it is too difficult right now how about illustrating it through one of your paintings?

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i could try an illustrate it. I dunno, everything is just so blahhhhhhh

is it this therapist or is it you holding you back, do you think?

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[Leah123]

I'm sorry you struggled through the session. I hate that experience, so frustrating. I have found the solution for me is not to push, not to force disclosure, but to figure out what I need to feel safer and do it or ask for it. When I feel safer, the need to push/pull diminishes and talking becomes easier.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

is it this therapist or is it you holding you back, do you think?

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Definitely me.

just want to scream! I can't get out my own way on this issue.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I'm sorry you struggled through the session. I hate that experience, so frustrating. I have found the solution for me is not to push, not to force disclosure, but to figure out what I need to feel safer and do it or ask for it. When I feel safer, the need to push/pull diminishes and talking becomes easier.

thanks Leah, that gives me hope. You're right not to push things and let things just "be". Something i'm not good at, cos i just want to be done with therapy and get on with living.

What makes you think it's you? We are so easy to blame ourselves. Maybe she is unknowingly doing something to bring this wall up. Screaming transference or maybe not but try to keep an open mind and not blame yourself do scream and shout and throw rocks- whatever it takes to get these feelings out

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[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

What makes you think it's you? We are so easy to blame ourselves. Maybe she is unknowingly doing something to bring this wall up. Screaming transference or maybe not but try to keep an open mind and not blame yourself do scream and shout and throw rocks- whatever it takes to get these feelings out

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I know it's me because it's part of my pattern.

[Jdog123]

This was me on Monday... It always surprises me, though it shouldn't, that when I'm like this in session she'll say something about how she was trying to connect to me and I was pushing her away. And yet I don't consciously feel that. I do just sit there and not say much, but it's so hard to explain.

I guess the good thing is that we talked yesterday on the phone and things seem OK. and we're meeting in a few hours and I think that this should be OK. She didn't 'yell' at me yesterday and this morning she emailed me to offer our appointment be 15 minutes longer (i.e., I come 15 minutes early). This has happened before with us and it always turns out OK (I have to remind myself of this). But it's just so weird and then it's time to leave and even though I wanted to bolt during the session at the end it's like, wait, we didn't have a session and I want to stay longer, which I can't. I guess it means that there's more work to do. And I imagine it'll happen again, so what I can try for is having less negative reaction to it when it happens (having self-compassion), trying to stop myself during the session from distancing from her, etc.

Good luck!

[Asiablue]

part of me wanted to connect to her in some meaningful way but part of me was seething and not wanting to play ball. And that part was bigger than the part that wanted to connect.

[Freewilled]

Oh I sooo know that place in the T room! I hate it I have my session tonight and I'm nervous because I haven't seen him in a couple weeks. For me, the connection is almost always lost and the first session back sucks. It's really good that you recognize the push-pull thing (I have that too ). Do you talk about it at all with your T? I find it helps to talk about it, although sometimes I feel I talk about it maybe too much and then we are at a standstill /:

I like the idea of having self-compassion when it's happening...like being mindful of how horrible it feels and how hard that is for you in the moment

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Oh I sooo know that place in the T room! I hate it I have my session tonight and I'm nervous because I haven't seen him in a couple weeks. For me, the connection is almost always lost and the first session back sucks. It's really good that you recognize the push-pull thing (I have that too ). Do you talk about it at all with your T? I find it helps to talk about it, although sometimes I feel I talk about it maybe too much and then we are at a standstill /:

I like the idea of having self-compassion when it's happening...like being mindful of how horrible it feels and how hard that is for you in the moment

We talked about it a little in session this week. We are both new-ish to one another, only approx 14 sessions in. So we are still getting used to each other i guess.

Good luck with ur session tonight freewilled.