[rainbow8]

I'm not sure if I coined that phrase but I told it to my T on Tuesday and she liked it. I tried to recapture the connection I had last week but I couldn't quite do it. I told her how I felt then, and why it felt so good. She did tell me that she tries to listen actively to people in her RL the way she does to me. I said it is hard for me to do but I'm going to try.

I didn't talk so much. I asked if she was going away for a vacation and she told me "yes", and where, and answered my awkward "who are you going with?" She says asking questions isn't crossing boundaries because she doesn't have to answer. She's going with her adult children, but I wonder if she was going with a man, if she would have told me. I would probably have been upset. I learned by journaling that I still have a lot of feelings about her divorce, but I didn't feel like talking about that.

It's going to be hard to have 60 minute sessions twice a month. I feel like I can't get "into" anything because I'm used to "settling in" during that first half hour, and maybe talking about my paintings or photos, or what I did during the week.

Anyway, T asked how I felt last week, and how I felt then, as I was sitting there. I was calm, looking at her, and felt a "quiet stillness", like in yoga. She looked very pretty; I liked her outfit, but I didn't tell her. She looked comfortable to me. I liked being with her and not talking. She said we didn't have to talk. She said I can have that to hold onto for the 2 weeks until my next session. There's just something about her that's SO reassuring to me; I feel safe and peaceful in the office with her.

I don't always feel that "quiet stillness" but I want to. I may write a poem about it.

We didn't have internet or phone connections for a few days, including New Year's. It was so nice!! I spent about 4 hours listening to music and painting. It was peaceful and quiet. I felt that "quiet stillness" in my mind. I'm glad we have our connection again, but the time away was good for me, just like my T said. I spend too much time online.

I'm rambling; just wanted to connect again here. I am trying not to worry about my T (she's in a foreign country) and to get on with my life, but every so often I start to cry because I miss her, and because I like her so much that it hurts. I think I'll be all right seeing her twice a month, but it's still an adjustment.

[CantExplain]

Inner peace is very nice.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Good for you! I always find those moments uncomfortable still. My T says sometimes they are the most beautiful moments. I am slowly starting to realize that! Thanks for sharing this!

[brillskep]

Nice. I'd love to read a poem about your "quiet stillness" on here.

May I ask, how come you will now be seeing her twice a month? It sounds like this wasn't the norm for you before. Or do you mean just this month, because of holidays?

[LadyShadow]

It sounds beautiful to have such peace and stillness. I have to admit, I liked reading your post. I had to turn off the tv to do it, and I have to say its quite nice. I am glad you got that time to yourself during New Year's and Christmas and was able to enjoy it.

I see my T twice a month as well. Sometimes we go longer without seeing each other because I feel like I am alright. I wish I had such a closeness with my T that you have.

[granite1]

so you were able to work something out with your T now so you can at least continue seeing her. that's good . maybe seeing her every other week will help you get out of your head for a bit and try you skills in connecting with others and not focus on your T so much. have you ever tapered off going to T slowly as in cutting down the number of sessions and time or has it always been cold turkey and quickly found another T. im glad you are being able to stop in middle of doing something and seeing that you can feel some stillness in what you are doing . your painting and so on .that is what I try to accomplish with my crafting .not always easy

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Inner peace is very nice.

Yes, it is!

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

Good for you! I always find those moments uncomfortable still. My T says sometimes they are the most beautiful moments. I am slowly starting to realize that! Thanks for sharing this!

You're welcome. My T's orientation is such that we focus on the here and now, like how I feel in the room at the time, during my session, and how I can have that in my life outside of therapy. I used to be very uncomfortable focusing on that, looking at her, and watching her looking at me, but your T is correct, I think. Those moments are beautiful.

Originally Posted by brillskep

Nice. I'd love to read a poem about your "quiet stillness" on here.

May I ask, how come you will now be seeing her twice a month? It sounds like this wasn't the norm for you before. Or do you mean just this month, because of holidays?

Thank you. I'm working on the poem. I have to quit because I won't have insurance to pay her. I've seen my T almost 4 years and it has been weekly for 90 minutes all of that time. Last year she thought it was time to end therapy anyway, but I'm not sure if she still thinks that way. I have to do it gradually, as long as she lets me have a reduced fee. I may end up seeing her monthly for a while after March, but it's going to be a slow termination.

Originally Posted by PlatinumHeart

It sounds beautiful to have such peace and stillness. I have to admit, I liked reading your post. I had to turn off the tv to do it, and I have to say its quite nice. I am glad you got that time to yourself during New Year's and Christmas and was able to enjoy it.

I see my T twice a month as well. Sometimes we go longer without seeing each other because I feel like I am alright. I wish I had such a closeness with my T that you have.

I'm glad to hear twice a month works for you. I hope it works for me, too. I have never been as close to a T as to this one. It's partly because our "fit" is so good, and partly because of her orientation. She does Internal Family Systems, EMDR, and Somatic Experiencing. You have to be very attuned to the client when you use those kinds of therapy. My T has sat closer to me and has focused on the here and now in our sessions, much of the time, not all of it. It made me feel close to her. I told her I didn't feel connected to her at one point on Tuesday, and she replied "I feel connected to YOU". She's willing to discuss our relationship, and how I'm "obsessed" with her, and how she's helping me find what I get from her in my RL. I'm beginning to find the middle ground with her.

Originally Posted by granite1

so you were able to work something out with your T now so you can at least continue seeing her. that's good . maybe seeing her every other week will help you get out of your head for a bit and try you skills in connecting with others and not focus on your T so much. have you ever tapered off going to T slowly as in cutting down the number of sessions and time or has it always been cold turkey and quickly found another T. im glad you are being able to stop in middle of doing something and seeing that you can feel some stillness in what you are doing . your painting and so on .that is what I try to accomplish with my crafting .not always easy

Yes! She's willing to give me a reduced rate if I see her twice monthly for 60 minutes, not 90. I'm not sure how long she will do this, but I'm so grateful that she is doing it now. I know many thought it was rude of me to ask her, but I knew it wasn't. I've tapered off from all of my Ts except the one where it was MY decision to quit abruptly. I was without a T for 10 years or so once.

I'm glad I could find that stillness too. My T said it's something I can do for myself, without HER. I know you posted that to me after my last session. You were right about it. It's hard for me because I still think about her and get teary-eyed, especially now when she's on vacation. My painting is like your crafting. My T calls it "flow" when you're so involved that time flies and it could be 2 hours later but you don't realize it because you're so into what you're doing. I didn't answer in your thread yet, but when you get so confused about your worlds and therapy, you could do your crafting and have a break in your mind, to stop the whirling around. Stuff goes round and round in my brain, and when I stop to breathe, and then do some painting, it does what I wrote--gives me a "quiet stillness". Of course I want to attribute that to my T teaching me how to do it, and also my yoga teacher. Plus DBT. It's all a slow process, but it can be done.

[skysblue]

That still place might be the beginnings of self-awareness that is divorced from needing external stimulation for a sense of well being.

Although this TEDx talk is not specifically about that quiet stillness inside, I do think it's related in some way.

[brillskep]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thank you. I'm working on the poem. I have to quit because I won't have insurance to pay her. I've seen my T almost 4 years and it has been weekly for 90 minutes all of that time. Last year she thought it was time to end therapy anyway, but I'm not sure if she still thinks that way. I have to do it gradually, as long as she lets me have a reduced fee. I may end up seeing her monthly for a while after March, but it's going to be a slow termination..

Oh, I understand. Thing is, in my country our health insurance doesn't pay for psychotherapy, so that issue doesn't come up. On the other hand therapy is a financial effort to some of us and to some it may be something they really can't afford. Ups and downs, I guess.

Termination is difficult and so is paying a fee when you really weren't before and so is seeing your T less frequently. I'm here if you need some support through that. I also want to add, if it helps, depending on the T and on where you are in therapy, this can be a hard spot for your T as well. It's not a nice feeling on either side, letting go of a therapeutic relationship which is still needed by the client. If it is, of course. The benefit of a slow termination as well as the work you've been doing together up until now may have been enough and maybe you will find strength you don't even realize you have.