[growlithing]

Hi. Me again. Sorry.

I finally go home tomorrow (yay!!!). I'm so excited to leave this place.

I'm seeing T the day after tomorrow. When I left, I was talking about some sketchy memories I was experiencing of something that might be CSA. I was having trouble piecing everything together because it wasn't like I actually completely forgot the trauma. I could remember some parts of it but not anything explicitly sexual. I always had a bad feeling about the memories and I just avoided thinking/talking about it. Something triggered me around Thanksgiving to re look at those memories. So T and I were talking about that. Nothing was concrete.

Now, I remember what happened. I remember, my body remembers, and I'm really not questioning what happened anymore because I know. I'm scared my T won't believe me because I originally said this when I was unsure and because it's kinda hard to believe. I also mentioned it as a possibility based off of the little bit that I did remember before leaving and she said "I really hope that isn't true. I really hope for your sake it isn't".

I need to tell her because I need to talk about it... I'm just scared she won't believe me. I'm probably projecting because I knew growing up that my mom wouldn't believe me. The fear that she won't believe me just feels so real. I feel like no one will believe me.

[Perna]

I would start with telling her you remember, it is bad, and you are afraid she won't believe you because your mom would not believe you growing up. Then I would just tell her what you remember, how it came about that you remember now, about your body memories, and all of it, just spill it.

I know when I have told T things that were really difficult, the response was often different (but actually "better") than I was expecting. When it is all inside our head and hearts, we have trouble with being able to think about it in any other way and that is what makes telling someone we trust about it helpful I think. They see it from a different perspective and that can often help it not be quite so "everything" like it seems when it is stuck inside us. It's like that "nine dots" problem: Most Wanted Solutions: 9 Dot puzzle

[Raging Quiet]

I'm sending you strength.

I found writing a story with t, with a 'fictional' person about it all was helpful.

Take care xx

[growlithing]

I'm tempted to write it out and give it to her to read because I'm scared I won't be able to talk about this outloud. But at the same time, I think I need to tell her what I remember and not what I remembered a day or two previously. I don't think she will want to read it. She'll want me to tell her.

[someone321]

I would be very surprised if your T didn't believe you... I think there is no rational reason to make a such painful story up and your T knows that as well... Mine believed in my almost impossible story so I really hope that your T will respond at least as good as you expect... Good luck!

I actually kind of did a combination of writing it out and telling it verbally. I would write it out ahead of time, and then when I was in session I might just read portions of what I wrote. Sort of used the writing as support at points where I had difficulty. I still do that when something particularly difficult comes up.