Really struggling just now.

Asia, I wanted to say I can really relate to what you've said. Getting attached to a T was VERY scary to me, probably the scariest thing I've ever done. Strangely, it's not always scary because we see them as dangerous or even just that we fear abandonment. Sometimes when we start to trust a T, the safety we feel with them starts to bring up all kinds of feelings that we had held at bay for a long time, and we feel fear because we are afraid to face those feelings, or afraid for anyone else to get near them or even know about them. In my case the only thing that helped in the long term was to stop fighting with the parts of me that were afraid to get close to my T and listen to them, find out what they were afraid of and what they wanted (from me and from her). I was only wise enough to do that with my second T because with my first one, I forged ahead ignoring my fears, destabilized and wound up getting referred because my T thought I needed someone who would take emergency phone calls.

In the shorter term, I am glad the breathing exercise helped! One thing that helps me a lot with anxiety is a body scan meditation. You can find a lot of guided ones by searching for "body scan meditation" on youtube.

Nailed it!

Same thing also happened to me with first T, i also destabilised, she freaked and terminated. So that also adds to the terror of trying to work with another T.

And i've just had an " A-ha!" moment about what the fear is and you're right, its the fear of the feelings that are brought up when faced with a "safe person" that's exactly what's going on for me, i'm experiencing this whooshing of emotions, that i am terrified to show, i'm forging a "relationship" with someone i don't really know, and i don't know how to be in it, how to connect properly. I don't know how to be comfortable with asking for help, with showing the real me, there's just so much uncertainty.

Well, I am both glad and sorry that I nailed it because it's a tough place to be in. On the other hand, I came out the other side and I think you will, too!

Hopefully you can start by talking to her about some of what you just wrote here. "I'm afraid to trust you with my innermost vulnerable feelings when I feel like I don't even know you" is a pretty good beginning to a session.

I remember at the beginning of my therapy journey with my T telling her how angry I was with her because I was feeling needy and attached. I was pI*ssed and I didn't like myself for feeling that kind of pathetic.

She was very compassionate and understanding and as I began to learn how helpful this attachment can be in the therapy process I didn't fight it so much. I allowed myself to feel the neediness and attachment. And, boy, was it a rough and tumble ride.

The book I read more than once that helped me accept the value of the attachment was "Attachment in Psychotherapy" by David Wallin. As I grew to more and more believe that ceasing resisting the attachment would help me and not harm me and once I grew past the total humiliation I felt by needing this 'stranger', I was able to address more effectively my issues.

So, I DEPENDED on her in a big big way. My emotions were so off the map that I needed the stability she offered me. I could express anything with her - fear, anger, anxiety, shame - the whole menu. I let myself be as honest as possible.

It was embarrassing. I felt shame. Fear showed up a lot. Anxiety just about killed me.

But I stuck with it and she stuck with me. I got through it.

And now - I still continue to see my therapist but my need and attachment have greatly diminished. The way I look at it is that if we're experiencing an earthquake and the ground is rumbling underneath us, it is only natural to grasp and hold on to something stable to keep us safe.

Same with emotional earthquakes. There is no shame holding on to the security the T offers to get us through the upheaval of emotions. Once they settle down, and they will, we can loosen our grip.

I'm glad to be speaking to two "survivors" of this place i'm in. It gives me hope that i can do it.

I still feel like i want to throw up but reading what everyone's written has really sorted out in my head what's going on with me. I just hope my therapist is going to stay the journey with me. I need her to.

Im going to try those exercises now. Thank you. x

Let me know how you get on AloneandAfraid.