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#1
Jan 13, 2014, 04:49 AM
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I haven't seen my T in almost 3 months. The last time I saw him was the day before I took an overdose that landed me in the hospital for a month.
He has emailed me a couple of times to see how I was and basically get an update. We haven't emailed each other in well over a month. I think he is waiting on me to decide what I'm going to do. I finally got up the courage to email him this morning. I simply asked if he remembered me and if he would see me again. I left it at that because I don't know what else to say. It has taken me a month and a half just to get up the courage to contact him. That is with trying to almost everyday and chickening out. Here's the thing, I really don't know what I want to do. I don't want to quit but I don't want to go and get close to him. I've been going for over 2 years and managed not to. I just know that I can't continue therapy and sit there like a log. I'm pale in the face terrified of trusting absolutely anyone. I really, really, really don't want to be hurt again. I'm so lost in this "what to do, I'm dying here" fog that I feel like I might explode. Can anyone relate?
__________________
___________________________________ "Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!" --John Irving "What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step." --C.S. Lewis |
 Aloneandafraid, Anonymous32735, Anonymous43209, brillskep, Mike_J, ready2makenice, Rohag, willowbrook
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#2
Jan 13, 2014, 05:07 AM
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I understand you don't want to be hurt but it sounds like you could use some help right now. Do you like your T? You've been seeing him for 2 yrs, do you think you have a good rapport? Maybe you could try not to worry about getting hurt and just live for the moment of getting some relief now?
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 Canyon, tealBumblebee
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#3
Jan 13, 2014, 05:15 AM
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I absolutely relate to this that you don't want to be hurt and it is so risky to open in front of T but as you probably realized, it is not going to be better if you don't do anything and there was a reason why you decided to send him an e-mail today... I think that if you don't go, it can't be better, but if you go, there are quite high chances that it will be better, so maybe it is worth to take that risk?
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| Canyon
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#4
Jan 13, 2014, 05:18 AM
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Rivrboat, thank you so much for answering me.
Yes, I do like him a lot. I guess we have a good rapport. Kind of hard to gauge when I sort of keep him at 10ft pole length. I do know that I'm about to the point that I was at when I ODed and know that I really need help. I don't want to go down that road again. I'm so scared. Scared of him, scared of me, everything.
__________________
___________________________________ "Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!" --John Irving "What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step." --C.S. Lewis |
| Aloneandafraid, Anonymous32735
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#5
Jan 13, 2014, 05:21 AM
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Quote:
I do hope he emails me back today.
__________________
___________________________________ "Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!" --John Irving "What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step." --C.S. Lewis |
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#6
Jan 13, 2014, 05:22 AM
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So, avoiding being hurt and keeping people at a distance has kept you safe, but you're hurting anyway?
Maybe you could risk connecting with someone who is as safe as can be and could actually help? Great things could come from it and you could actually give yourself the chance living a fulfilling and happy life. Sounds like a risk worth taking to me.
__________________
INFP Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(50%) iNtuitive Feeling(75%) Perceiving(44)% |
| Aloneandafraid, Canyon
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#7
Jan 13, 2014, 05:31 AM
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Asia, in my heart I know you are right.
I will see what he says if he emails me back. I just have this fear (rational or not) that he has forgotten who I am because I'm not that important or something.
__________________
___________________________________ "Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!" --John Irving "What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step." --C.S. Lewis |
| Aloneandafraid, SoupDragon
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#8
Jan 13, 2014, 11:13 AM
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Just my thoughts, but I think a "leap of faith" with your therapist might be necessary, along with that comes the risks of being hurt by letting yourself become vulnerable and "close" to him.
__________________
“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. ... We need not wait to see what others do.” Gandhi |
| Canyon
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#9
Jan 13, 2014, 12:32 PM
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Can your T hurt you more than you can hurt yourself? I often sit there, in T's office feeling useless. l haven't even looked at him in months. We've had our difficulties ard 1 often send " l quit " e-mails. But deep down l know my best option in life is to keep going, however difficult it is. You say he has contacted you since you have stopped going. He didn't have to do that.
l hope you hear from him soon, l know the waiting can be torturous. You sound as if things are difficult at the moment, please keep safe. Soup
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Soup |
| Canyon
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#10
Jan 13, 2014, 04:52 PM
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Thank you Mike_J, SoupDragon, everyone.
He got back to me by 8:30 this morning (I emailed him at like 1:30 am). It made me feel good that he got back to me so early before starting his day because I know his 1st appt isn't usually until 10. He remembered me! It may seem odd that it is a thing with me but I have sort of been a "throwaway" my entire life and have always felt that I'm so insignificant and not worth remembering. I haven't gotten back to him with what days/times would be good for me. Working up the courage for that now. Quote:
Quote:
__________________
___________________________________ "Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!" --John Irving "What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step." --C.S. Lewis |
| SoupDragon
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#11
Jan 15, 2014, 05:40 PM
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I finally got the appt set up with my T. I go Monday to see him.
I'm totally nervous about the appt because I know that I will have to answer some tough questions about the OD that I took after I saw him last. It is still something that I need to do though. I feel that I owe him an apology for breaking the agreement that we had that I would not do such a thing without letting him know that I was to that point.
__________________
___________________________________ "Your memory is a monster; you forget - it doesn't. It simply files things away. It keeps things for you, or hides things from you - and summons them to your recall with a will of its own. You think you have a memory; but it has you!" --John Irving "What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step." --C.S. Lewis |
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#12
Jan 16, 2014, 12:33 PM
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Yeah! l am so glad you have an appointment set up. l am sure it may feel difficult getting there, but it sounds as if you have a good T and therefore l hope the session is useful for you.
 Soup
__________________
Soup |
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