Confessing to T while somewhat intoxicated

I'm worried I ruined everything.

I have this habit of being unable to sleep out of fear of nightmares and then getting frustrated and taking more than my normal dose of ativan and vistrail at like 4am. Not significantly more, but enough to make me moderately loopy before knocking me out completely. Unfortunately, I sometimes email T (LCM) while not really totally aware of what I am doing.

One of my biggest problems is binge eating disorder. I really struggle with food and I also really struggle about talking about my diet. Ever since I met LCM, I had been lying about what I was eating and how much. When I was residential, I had to have passes in order to leave the facility for a few hours. Whenever I got a pass, I would figure out a way to get junk food and sneak it back into my room. I kept this a secret from LCM the whole time. She'd ask me if I were binging and I'd say that I wasn't. Even after being discharged and even when I was at my parents' house, I continued to figure out ways to horde food.

The other night, I emailed LCM after taking more than my prescribed dose of meds. I told her everything. I told her about my diet, I told her what I did while residential, what I did at my parents' house what I'm doing now. I even told her some of the foods that I have been eating which is something I've actually never been able to do before. The email was a desperate cry for help because to be honest, I do want help. I just can't get myself to not feel so ashamed about what I eat, how much I eat, and the lengths I go to keep eating to actually ask for it.

I'm not supposed to email her in distressful moments and when I do, she gets a little bit... well I don't know if annoyed is the right word for it. I know it stresses her out because I apologized to her about doing it over the phone once and I could easily gage her response as finding it stressful. My mindset in sending this email at the time I actually wrote out "I would just write it [my diet] in a letter and give it to you in a more appropriate way but the odds I actually did give it to you and not shred it up is 0% and I think you will want to knoe about this/I think I need to not keep this a secret and if I'm able to tell you now, it's probably better than never."

Another excerpt: "I'm sorry to bother you and I'm sorry that I've been lying. Please don't hate me. Please don't tell my mom or send me cavl to the hospital. I'm trying. And I will figure out a way to make emailing you at 3am more difficult. And I feel horrible about all of this food but not really enough ro stop because I honestly am banking on not living to 25 and just never facing the problem. But it will be harder to kill myself at 800lbs. I don't know. I'm disgusting and a horrible liar and I want to punish myself but I won't."

She emailed back today asking me to call her. I didn't see it for a few hours for whatever reason which is abnormal because I usually respond to her right away. I had totally forgotten that I had even sent her this until I read her email asking me to call her. I didn't call her because in the past, I would read her email asking to call her within a few minutes of her sending it so I assumed that calling her 4 hours after when she expected me to would not be okay.

But now I'm really worried that she hates me for lying to her or is going to tell me that she can't trust me anymore and can't work with me because she can't trust that I'm not a liability and I emailed her back saying I'll call her whenever she wants but I'm just scared I ruined everything. I'm so mad at myself for telling her about this. Why couldn't I just have kept it quiet? I'm scared she's going to tell my mom or send me to the hospital or just abandon me or hate me and I don't know what to say or expect. I don't think I could just start talking about this issue without using something to be honest but I didn't want to tell her about all the bad things I did in the past behind her back.

And then I don't know if this paranoid reaction and expecting her to hate me is because my mom would scream and attack me when she saw me eating something I shouldn't. She might be actually happy that I told someone what is actually going on. I don't know and I'm just so scared. I love her and I can't lose her. How do I think about anything else while I wait to talk to her?

I think your last paragraph is probably right. My t tells me that i keep expecting him to react like my mother. Needless to say, he HATES IT!! hang in there!

Hey you sound like me. The lying and then confessing as a cry for help. Your T is a professional, correct? If she hates any one of her clients, she should not be a T, so I would assume she does not and thinks of clients fondly and in a controlled manner according to how T's are trained. You are hyperaware of what happened (I am too when it is me) but you might benefit from remembering that her time is most likely managed with many different tasks and clients a day so it would be odd if she fixated on you to the point of severe criticism or personal feelings like that. I think you did the right thing for you even if it wasn't totally honest, its kind of like playing hide and seek and the seeker can't find you so you think you are winning. But then you realize that's not what the game is about and your goals are not going to be met so you start making a few noises from your hiding place so the person who is IT can kind of hear you and eventually find you. You want to be found, I do believe. And it is better if you are found because then perhaps you have recognized the severity of your situation, acknowledged it honestly and humbly accepted it. Next move? Reaching out as you have done, and now the ball is in her court but don't let that stop you from taking the first steps. You will do wonderfully.

You did a good thing--a leap of trust and care for yourself. She will appreciate that.

I hope so. I still haven't heard from her after missing her asking me to call her. I feel like I got a "we need to talk" and I'm just sitting waiting for hours

Maybe she is waiting to hear from you?

Confessing is easier from a distance. Never easy, though. I used to think therapy would be easier if T installed a confessional. He said the couch wouldn't fit in the booth.

Lying to her will not help you improve. I think it was great that you emailed her. Keep the lines of communication open so she can truly help you. Call her tomorrow

She's not. I replied to her saying I missed it and asked if she wanted me to call her some other time. No response

AHHHHHHHH I CAN'T TAKE IT. I NEED HER TO TELL ME WE'RE OKAY.

Hopefully she'll call tomorrow. She's working tomorrow. Maybe she just got caught up in ****. She's very busy.

I just love her and I miss her and I need her like a child needs her mother. I can't seem to stop eating badly even after asking for help. It's the only thing that comforted me in place of my mother in childhood anyway.

I want to email her and tell her that I need to know she isn't giving up on me but I'm a little loopy and very sad and I can't spam her again. Plus she probably won't satisfy me by telling me that we're okay if I directly ask.

Why wouldn't she? Asking directly for what you want/need is good.

That being said, I'd wait and not "spam" her anymore. She's probably just busy or she could have forgotten but she's not mad, you two are OK. Coping using food (too much/little) is a pretty common thing, I can't imagine a T holding it against you- most "normal" ppl would understand it too-> the shame you feel over this is all in your head.

I literally laughed out loud right now.....

She usually says that I already know how we are and replying to me asking for reassurance is just playing into my issues as opposed to helping it. I caved and did ask her if we are okay directly. This is killing me and she needs to know if she's accidentally tormenting me.

No response yet. She doesn't get off from work until 5 so she might have just not read it yet. I just can't take it. The anticipation is killing me

I'm sorry to continually keep posting. I'm just really stressed out and worried about this and I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life about it because they wouldn't understand

Please keep posting, if it helps to get it out. She will get back to you when she's ready. If she doesn't, you will be able to talk to her at your next appointment.

I don't have a next appointment yet. We haven't worked it out.

I'm wondering why you don't call her?

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I don't want to bother her. Calling is more direct of an interference than email.

Hi Growlithing,

Please know that you and your therapist are okay. This is what they do. She's going to understand, and help you through this.

The reason she didn't reply via email is because you put a lot out there, and she can't give a two-liner email to adequately help you. She wants to talk... to make sure you are okay... I'm sure she's just glad you were honest with her, regardless of the medium or circumstances.

Big hugs until she replies - I know it must be hard.

She responded. In my last email, all I said was that I needed to know if she was upset with me. She said she's "grateful" that I told her and that she was too busy to have me call at another time because she was working on finalizing stuff to get our treatment going again. I imagine we'll talk about it later this week.

I just need to calm down.

She sounds like a great T. It is always good to come clean about this type of thing.