[Emrys]

Heya folks! So I'm not really sure where to begin ...
Basically I am just looking for some support because I am terribly depressed and panic stricken. This is also a bit of a "coming clean" moment. So feel free to hate me more than I already hate me.
The coming clean part:
I have not been diagnosed with anything. I have never taken medication, and I only recently have I spoken with a mental health professional (LCSW). Why have I said in the past that I have? ... Because I want to feel like I am getting better, like I am getting somewhere in life. When in reality, I am a manipulative hateful fake who deserves everything bad that comes her way.

but ... I guess I am seeking help ... not necessarily because I value myself but because I am tired of the attention I keep on accidentally drawing to myself.
My younger sister recently started therapy and was DX'd with MDD and anorexia nervosa ... and that was too much for me, because I think I knew of her troubles long before she needed treatment. I SI'd for 3 years and was a year and a half clean from it ... then suddenly it was back, and worse than it had ever been. Other maladaptive behaviors that I'm not quite willing to discuss appeared.

I am in college and we have free counseling services -- so I found the courage to go and filled out the form as honestly as I could. I saw a T and let me say, it was very uncomfortable for me. She was more interested with family problems I described rather than me and how troubled I was about my sister's troubles (and, perhaps about myself??) She assumed things on my form that I didn't confirm -- like how I experienced csa through my step father, and that wasn't what I was indicating at all??

By the end of the session, she seemed convinced that my sister was in a dangerous home and said she was considering contacting CPS for an investigation. I desperately tried to convince how, while there had been pretty serious issues in my family's history, that my family had never been more stable and supportive of my sister's recovery. I agreed to meet with her a few days later so she could discuss her decision regarding my family, as well as discuss options I could take for therapy outside of the school because she felt that the number of sessions that the school offered for free wouldn't be enough to resolve my troubles.

To make a long story short, after days of sobbing and not eating, I met with her and she informed me that she was not proceeding with filing a report. We discussed therapy options -- which I was not, obviously, fully committed to at the time. I had to fill out a crisis form discussing who I would contact in crisis. When I handed her the form, she blatantly looked at my arm for signs of SI ... even when I told her I hadn't recently ...

Generally speaking it was an incredibly painful experience for me and not one I want to go through again. And yet, I need to go again? Over the past month SI has gotten particularly bad, as well as other maladaptive behaviors that I am not going to get into here. I can barely get myself up to go to classes. It takes me forever to go to sleep, and when I do sleep I have disturbing nightmares ... I have withdrawn from my friends and feel particularly uncomfortable talking to them and feeling happy about things when I really don't. I don't eat much anymore and become very nauseous when I do eat.

Generally speaking ... I feel depressed. I don't know if my anxiety will let me meet with her again, or if meeting with her would make anything better at all. I just don't know what to do. Even if I do go meet with her, she suggested therapy outside of the school, which would cost and would require someone in my family to know I was troubled. She mentioned the group therapy options that the school had, but I have lots of time restraints ... the only options that would work into my schedule are a yoga class that is supposed to reduce anxiety/depression and therapy about children of addicted parents. Both of which would apply for me, but both options sound terribly uncomfortable and I am not sure how helpful they would be ...

I don't really expect anyone to reply to this ... this is mostly just me ranting aloud. I mean, I'd love advice ... but this is quite long and I'm a really cowardly person, @_@.

[HazelGirl]

Wow, this therapist sounds very uncaring and harsh. Is there a way to see one who is more caring privately? Can your parents help pay for it if you do? This T doesn't sound like the best option for you. I am sorry the intake evaluation has been so horrible. Not all T's are like that.

[growlycat]

This school therapist seems more concerned with the school's potential liability that with you as a person. Agreed that seeing someone outside of school will give you the freedom to be honest with how you are feeling. Any reason not to ask your parents for financial support for therapy?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Emrys

She was more interested with family problems I described rather than me and how troubled I was about my sister's troubles

Someone from the outside knows nothing and it can be daunting to try and understand what is going on in your life, how your family relationship works, etc. before someone can start to get to know you, personally. This particularly counsellor, from what you have told, does not sound like someone I would want to see again though. If possible I would try to see a private therapist rather than one from school, someone who is going to focus on you more. The school counsellor has to be more concerned with helping you as a student at their school be a successful student; you would not be at that particular place unless you were a student there.

However, I would be concerned for myself about the above, that you are worrying "out of place", not thinking about yourself and what you need. It sounds like you are putting a whole lot of padding around yourself that could stick to your wounds if you are not careful and cause you more pain and suffering. I remember my first session at my college, at the end the therapist merely said, "you hardly said anything at all about your father". After all I had said that I had never said to anyone else before (so it was traumatic to me, just to tell), it was a surprise, letdown statement but when I thought about it more, it was pretty telling? There are patterns, even from the first and they can turn out to be very important. You are very concerned about your sister and this therapist really picked up on that.

I would go to counselling again, but try to find someone for myself and would try to figure out how to concentrate on myself or what "about" my sister's situation is worrying me about myself, etc. You cannot do anything about your sister and her problems, they are hers. You are not there at home where she is, etc.

[Emrys]

I really appreciate you guys and your input ...
As an update, I went back to campus health services and scheduled a walk-in appointment with the school keeping my fingers crossed that I'd be seen by someone other than the last woman I worked with. I spoke to someone different, and I was a little more guarded about what information I shared in the intake meeting and tried to draw attention away from me. I think a lot of the reason the T I previously worked with saw red flags in the first place was because I basically mentioned that my mom is an alcoholic and my younger sister is troubled in the same breath. I tried to keep attention away from previous family troubles and focused on what I am feeling in this current point in time and what sort of concerns I was having. Generally speaking the professional I spoke with seemed more interested in my health than anything else and was just generally speaking less intimidating to talk to. I'm glad I went.

To make a long story short, they are helping refer me to someone outside of the school. I have a meeting monday discussing appropriate options. Transportation is a big obstacle for me: 1) I have a lot of anxiety about buses because I was in a very serious bus accident a few years ago 2) buses scare me :P. I also need some advice about who of my parents I want to talk to this about and figure out who's paying for it ... >___<; And um ... tell someone that I am having trouble.

But yeah, I have that and then a follow up appointment the next day. So yay. Progress.