Everything is all too much at the moment. I can't make anyone understand how trully awful I feel at the moment, not the crisis team(who are uselees anyway), not my T or my doctor. I sabotaged my last session by being slightly drunk and late. I tried to tell my T what I really wanted to work on but chickened out at the last minute by saying I want to work on my fear and anxiety when really I all I want is to sleep without waking up crying and screaming and wrestling with blankets and I want this constant depression to lift but nothing seems to work. I want to work at the csa but everytime I try I chicken out because I'm afraid of so many things. I'm afraid of going wonky (dissociating as T calls it) I'm afraid he'll think I'm making it up as it all seems to come out in odd pieces and a whole lot of stuff that I can't really identify but are just bodily sensations. I'm scared everytime he mentions EMDR.
I just don't think I can go on with therapy but I'm afraid not to go either as all the **** in my head just accumulates but I don't want let it out as I feel as if it was just dream because when I remember it, it just feel like it didn't happened to me but maybe I observed it.
I don't know what response i want I just had to get this out of my head.

[Arha]

Maybe try starting the next session with, "I couldn't tell you how I really felt last time,and I am still struggling to."
Than take a breather, and wait for his response.
If it isn't what you hoped for, say so. Your T should help you to tease out what's up, or at least understand it is difficult.

I have a similar issue with getting things out and clear, so don't feel you're alone in this.

[HazelGirl]

You can't get help if you sabotage your chances with those who want to help. Start with being honest, as hard as that is. And it probably will help if you don't show up drunk to your next T session...

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

I tried to tell my T what I really wanted to work on but chickened out at the last minute by saying I want to work on my fear and anxiety when really I all I want is to sleep without waking up crying and screaming and wrestling with blankets and I want this constant depression to lift but nothing seems to work. ...I don't know what response i want I just had to get this out of my head.

Are you ok?

Please don't beat yourself up, this stuff is really, really hard.

Instead of trying to talk about the csa, can you tell T next time that you drank alcohol before coming to session? If T responds with empathy and compassion, your trust could grow, and that alone would bring you closer to wellness. I bet you will be relieved if you tell just that.

Thanks Autumn I think I am ok, i just don't know. I probably will tell him I had been drinking. He usually responds with empathy and compassion I don't know why this is happening.