Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T,

I invited you into my life. I think you should see that as a privilege to some degree, along with the rest of your clients (but that's just me IDK much). However, I did not invite anyone else into my life!!

Dear T,
Thank you for seeing I need extra support during this month and offered to see me twice a week. I said I'd rather get worse and need the help and you made a face like that's not healthy. So I called you and you called me right back and we set it up. Hope it helps.

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I try. I really do. I know you say we need to take things slowly, but I don't feel like they are going fast enough. Why aren't I better yet?!?

Dear T,

So.....I'm still testing you. I know I am and I believe it's unconscious. So why am I not feeling safe enough? Why am I having to force myself to trust you? I'm on the fence again re: if it's all up to me to make this work or if maybe you're struggling on your end. But I'm thinking tonight maybe I can't keep trying to hold this together, T.... Maybe I am not the only one impacting the therapeutic relationship or whatever the **** it is.....you know, if you can't help me, I'd much rather you just say so! It is NOT all my fault!

Dear T,

This week is just as bad as last week,if not worse I'm not calling you again. If you don't call me back,I'm just not going to come in.

Jersey, did you get your sign?

T....I don't think I can keep going right now. It is soo hard, can I not just curl up and hide under your desk for a while, alone, safe.......you don't have to stay, in fact I don't want you to........you don't even have to feed me. I just need to feel safe somewhere and be alone. Please?

I dreamt you emailed me! It was comforting to 'hear' from you.
See you next week

Dear consulting T,

The image of your face when I told you that x has children is killing me... And I knew that it wouldn't change anything if I had told you that it is not like that, that from one sentence which I have said you don't have the whole picture and your conclusions are not correct - they are safe... But you think something opposite, right? I know that there is no sense in convincing you and you do worry about them... Even worse is what if there is a small, small probability that you are right and I am just totally blind? This thought is pretty devastating but today we won't have time to talk about it - I have to remember that you are not my T and today we'll just fill some forms to get the diagnosis right...

Dear T, I wonder if the dreams I sent you will show this - I haven't really worked with them yet - but I am really struggling with something. That's a bit mild perhaps; emotionally I am fighting something tooth and nail. It's this need thing again - I don't feel it all the time, but sometimes is even too much. It's this needing YOU stuff, and I-don't-want-to-need-you!!! (You would be picturing me stomping my feet if you were reading this, wouldn't you?) Not wanting to is not about you btw, maybe you already know that. And the worst part of this is I understand it now which makes it even more suckish. Sigh. I want to tell you this in a couple days when we talk but I don't know if I will be able to.

Dear T,
would it have killed you to wish me luck? My effing physiotherapist wished me luck, and she doesn't even know what a big deal this is for me. You do. I guess this proves how little you actually care.

Dear t,

So after years and years of me telling you about my childhood, you replied no one has a nice childhood and mine was 'stressful'.

Stressful?

All of that and you summarise it was stressful. Is that it?

I suppose I feel invalidated somehow.

Dear T

I wonder what you think of me? I wish you would show me something about how you see me and how you think I am doing but you never show anything. I need support at the moment but it feels wrong. I wish I felt that you were on my side. Where is this going? I'm not making any progress and I am feeling more and more insecure. I think I am falling apart. Please be there for me.

Dear Therapist,

Please don't say "I don't know" any more. It makes me feel like I'll never get better.

Dear T,

I don't know what to do with our "relationship" anymore....it is all feeling so familiar and I can't quite get to a place of clarity where I could maybe actually intellectually articulate it to you. So it scares me to bring it up. I fear you will use my weaknesses against me. I see myself telling you about how I'm mad at you and you asking for more concrete examples. I see myself getting so anxious I can't even get the words out and you getting frustrated with me as a result. I see myself getting hurt and you telling me that maybe you aren't the best fit for me or you can't even really help me anymore. This would say to me in my mind, "Freewilled, you are too far gone. There's nothing for you. Your life is over because really, no one can help you. You make no sense. I'll pass you onto someone else and get you off my caseload."

I feel like a case study to you. I feel like another day another dollar to you. I feel boring - like my story doesn't matter. I feel like a nuisance - a bother. I feel like a burden. And please don't tell me it's cause I felt that way with my parents. Because wth does that do for me? Are you telling me that everything that has gone on between us is a direct result of my upbringing? Do you have ZERO input into things? Really? Idk about that......

I cried all night after our Mon. Session and I'm not sure why. . Better now.

Dear T,

Thank you for being a good listener yesterday and for trying very genuinely to understand my feelings. Sometimes I feel bad when I come to session and feel so low.

This past week was so hard and I'm so grateful you didn't make it worse by overreacting to my admission of 'bad thoughts'. I have done what I said to avoid the pit and have been very grounded today. I'm not going to fool myself into trusting myself alone yet and will follow through as promised if I go back that way, but i'm hoping it's all up from here.

Thank you for trusting me at my word and also for sending me the sweet email today. You made me feel so supported. I hope to have better news for you next session.

Dear T,
Just who are you? Sometimes your my mom and dad, other times it seems like my "friend". Still, there are other times that you remind me of my kid (some of your expression). Then all of a sudden.. your my T again. I'm so confused.
Good topic for our next meeting.

Why do you put up with me? I can't consistently trust you. I'm constantly needing to be reminded of everything. I keep trying to distance myself from you. I hide things from you (and then tell you I'm hiding them). I refuse to volunteer information you need to help me and you have to drag it out of me. I am scared of you, and of the things we're working through. I don't accept that you can and do consistently care about me and are committed to helping me. I'm a mess in so many ways. Why do you stick with me? I know you can get rid of me, and all my problems. It would be easier if you did. But instead, you promise not to go anywhere when I get scared you're going to abandon me for the 1,000th time. It's so stupid and yet you put up with it. I don't deserve it. I'm not worth that. So why the heck are you still around?

YT...

Why did you say that about H?.... I KNOW i am horrible....

Its the first time I've had to SI after a session... But you dont know about that... On Sunday I had just thrown all of that away so I had to improvise....

Dear T,

Sometimes you make me feel like you want me to take care of your feelings. Not often, but enough to notice. I don't know what to do with that.

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Dear PD T

If you actually turn out to be a Care Bear when we meet on Friday I'm walking right back out.
You sounded so sweet and nice and lovely and caring when we spoke on the phone today and I just dont know how to deal with that.
Of course you could of just been using the kid gloves because you don't know me yet and were being careful, but when we do meet they had better get put away quicker than I can leave the building

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CBT T, what was the swarthy smile about? Is my stupid crush/transference showing through and it gives you an ego boost? F, you are a charming charming man. Turn it down a little, I'm trying to work here.

Dear T,

At the risk of being repetitive I just want to tell you that I love you and that I want you to invite me to stay at your house for the weekend in your spare room.

Love,

IT.

Dear T,

How bout those Bruins?.

Me

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