Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

T,
Tomorrow I'm going to quit the therapy with you so for sure there is something which I need to tell you but I don't know how... My consulting T has said that we can do it together (with her) and we can talk about it next time... But I have to do it by myself and actually I don't want to lose my important and limited time with her on talking about you... So tomorrow... I'm really curious if I have enough courage to do this...

T,

I feel like you are burned out and don't want to work with me anymore. You say there's nothing wrong with our relationship from your point of view. But you don't show the same concern or effort toward my therapy that you used to. I can feel it, and I have felt it for awhile now. All the little things you used to do for me that you don't do now. I notice them. You don't even seem to care when I'm in crisis anymore. Recently, when I talked about possibly leaving therapy due to the issues I'm struggling with that we can't resolve, it was the first time you acted like you didn't care either way. You were ready to let me go. I felt that too.

I don't deserve it. I'm not worth that. So why the heck are you still around?[/quote]

Of course you deserve it, and of course you are worth it -we all are. We are all worth being healed, feeling healthy and loved. No matter what has happened in the past, we are human beings - we have worth - and deserve being loved and respected and enjoying life. So, karma has placed this person in your life, this therapist, and this person is obviously in for the long haul.

Mine has been with me for eight years, and I, at times, have been a raging borderline. He has put up with a lot, and never lost his cool or said anything about leaving. Sounds like yours is the same way. So hang in and trust the process - you are so worth it!

Dear T, I'm tired and cold and scared of working on my feelings on Friday. I'm afraid if I start crying (which I never have in front of you) I won't be able to stop. And I don't like feeling out of control - you should know that by now. I'm putting a lot of trust in you, buddy, you better come through for me. You let me down in this "grieving process" thing, I may not be able to come back. Are you listening???? I'm willing to work hard and give it my best, but let's not forget who the one really in charge is, OK??!!

Me

Dear T,

I felt safe with you today. Why?

Dear t,

Thank you for everythingtoday.

Thank you. I don't feel worth it, and that's what makes it difficult. I expect the worst, and I don't always know how to accept anything better. I see myself and see all my flaws and all the ways I constantly fail. I don't see many good things. And so I see all the reasons my T might abandon me and give up on me, without being able to clearly see all the reasons she hasn't yet. We've been working together for nearly two years and yet I am still so insecure in our relationship. It's terrifying to me, a lot of the time. I am sure my T would say you are correct, though.

Dear T,



-Me

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Dear T,

Stop being such a god damn nice person! Your pissing me off. How can I use you as a punching bad when your do effing NICE all the time? Sheesh.

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Dear T, I can't believe I have 4 more nights worth of dreams that I haven't sent you yet. i woke up to write down dreams 11 nights in a row so far. I wonder what tonight will bring. I want to talk about ALL of them with you but I know we won't have time for them all tomorrow. And dang it, I need to stop scheduling appointments.

Dear T, I wish you could just fix me.

Penguinh,

Love your sig!
The Eels

I second this.

Dear consulting T,
Today I really wanted to send you an e-mail but I have already sent one in the morning after stopping the therapy so two e-mails per day would be really too many... I wanted to send you an e-mail when I realized (actually I guess I knew that from the beginning but I didn't want to admit it to myself) that I lied to you at the last session. You asked me how my parents reacted when they got to know something about csa and I said "okay", you even repeated the question but again I said that they reacted okay... But they didn't - it was the worst hour in my life, I think even worse than the whole abuse... But I couldn't have told you that... For the whole life they were and they still are the best parents in the world, just for this one small hour they weren't, they really screwed it up...

Dear T,

I'm so all over the place back and forth and all around. I really *hate* needing therapy. I don't know why it's such a dramatic thing for me....but we both know it is. I hope you don't let my idealization go to your head I mean let's face it, it does happen with Ts all the time. It's hard not to let a client's positive idealistic picture of you make you feel good (or the negative crap I spew make you feel badly). I really hope you're stronger than I am. I need a safe place to land right about now....

Dear T -
I'm trying to manage the guilty and hurt feelings without doing something to punish myself. I want to email you, but we just spoke today, and I'm honestly embarrassed about the way I'm feeling and just don't want to tell you yet. I'll tell you when I see you again. I don't like phone sessions. Next time meeting at your office is not possible, I'm just going to reschedule. I'm hurt that you got my scheduling mixed up, and feel guilty that you were willing to squeeze me in at 8 am on that day. I know you don't normally see clients before 9 am. I want to call or text or email you and just tell you to cancel the 8 am appointment. I'm not important enough to go in early for. I'll manage that day fine...I always have before. I don't deserve "extras." I'm going to try to hold on to the thought that you wouldn't have offered if you weren't willing, and try not to let the guilt overwhelm me.

Today has just sucked.

Dear T(as in PDoc T),

What?!?

What day is it, 2/6, & I've had my refill sitting in a pharmacy bag, in my purse, since, oh, IDK, 1/27. Finally, took it out, to put on my nightstand, read the label...(back to...) What?!?

Ok, an increased dose, not decreased, but :headscratching: ?
Come again? What?!?

See, why I am the patient, and you,are the doctor? My state of confusion, lands me in therapy

(what?!?! )

-Me
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omg t I will be calling you in 7 minutes we haven't talked in 3 weeks i have been fighting so hard this whole needing you thing i don't want to need you and i don't want to miss you and i don't want to love you and i don't know how NOT to! And I need to stop making more appointments cuz it just gets worse every time I do! i am done dangnabbit! and yes, i just stomped my feet.

T,

I haven't really needed you in awhile, but I really need you right now. I am fighting every impulse in my body to text you. I sent an email. That is enough. This is why I was so afraid to broach these difficult subjects. I was afraid I would regress. I don't need to regress, I'm studying to be a T myself. However, I guess I need to work through this so my future clients will not suffer because of my unresolved issues.

Thanks,
Chopin

When I am the last person to get picked up in the waiting room, I know you hate me. When you can't remember details about my life, I know you resent every minute with me. I don't believe you when you say you are invested in our work together. I don't believe you when you say you aren't angry with me, that you don't have a reason to be. I am so, so stupid.

I am so terrified by your non-response to my email today (the first email I have sent you in nine months, one of three I have ever sent you; I hate that I have no idea what you are thinking, if you are mad at me...I think you must be mad at me):

Athena,I think it is best that we talk about this in person, but I did want you to know that I have read your email carefully and look forward to talking more about it when we meet next week.

There is just a black hole inside me. I am just so ****ed up that I will never be fixable. I keep fantasizing about going back to Madagascar, thinking about where I can go to escape from me but there is nowhere that's possible. I can feel free for a month or two in a new place and then all the same ******** catches up with me. I can never believe that anyone cares about me, that I am good enough at doing anything that I should keep doing it, that I am OK and that it is enough.

Why did you ask me if I thought therapy was helping? Whenever you ask me that, I think you are trying to think of a reason to kick me out. That you think therapy is not helping me because I am just a waste of space. You want me to go away.

wow t well thank you for being your wonderful t self, there i said it I just came right out and told you how much i miss you and that i need you and that i don't WANT to etc. And then I promptly scheduled another appointment. egads when will it ever end?! remember when i asked you "why does everybody ELSE get to walk around crazy, but I don't?!" i wanted to ask you that again tonight except I think by this point, you would be offended if I did ! I think quite possibly maybe we are finally getting down to the REAL work 2+ years in. Ahhh.

Dear T,

You've encouraged me to start back emailing you but you're not replying as much... Should I have stuck with my first notion and not email you or are the ones i'm sending not what you want because they're not as personal as they once were? It doesn't bother me that you haven't been replying, because I know you get and read them...just trying to figure out what you're doing...

Dear T,

I know we come from different backgrounds and we lead very different lives, but I believe our shared sense of humor is what connects us. We both laugh at dorky things!

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CBT T- THANK YOU for helping me get a new primary care dr.

No more doogie howser for me!!!!

I was really p'd off when you told me I'm like my mother.

I was even more p'd off when I realized I was acting just like my mother.

I am NOT my mother. I am NOT my mother. I am NOT my mother!

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