[HazelGirl]

I have run into a dilemma with my T.

About two years ago, someone who had a major influence in my life left abruptly. I am still dealing with the effects of that, and yet I have never told my T. I have wanted to bring it up, but haven't had the courage yet.

The problem is that my T recently started working with him at her other job (it's a long story as to how I know that), and so if I tell her about this situation, she will be able to figure out it's him because she works with him and talks to him (it wouldn't take a whole lot of effort to piece the puzzle together). And I don't want her to think badly of him, nor do I want to tell his coworkers about his secrets and problems.

I don't know what to do. Do I continue to hold onto this situation myself? Or do I tell her about it, knowing she will probably be able to figure out it's him?

[elaygee]

Could you ask T this without giving details and leaving it generic?

[HazelGirl]

I don't think that's possible. The situation is such that I would need to explain the details to get her to understand the impact in my life, and she would easily be able to know it's him.

Let me explain:

This guy was my youth pastor. He has had the most positive impact in my life of anyone. I knew him for about a quarter of my life, and he just left one day. The fallout was massive in my life. But to be able to tell her, I would need to tell her that he was my youth pastor and it would be easy for her to know it was him I was talking about because of mutual friends.

[blur]

can you just not mention he was your youth pastor and say he was someone close to you for many years? you could potentially be talking about a family friend, cousin, etc.

Hazelgirl....here are my gut reaction questions:

1. Why didnt you bring this up before? Why now?

2. What do you expect to gain from discussing it? Could you be able to just discuss it generically and still gain from the discussion... As in someone very important to me just disappeared from my life and how disappointing it was...

Good luck with it all. It gets complicated...i found out that all 3 of my Ts have common threads and know of each other but since they are Ts they are covered under confidentiality and can not speak about me to each other...

[feralkittymom]

HazelGirl, is this why you're feeling tired of therapy just now (your other thread)?

[SoupDragon]

l would just say there is something that you are strugglirg to discuss as you think she knows the person and then see her reaction.

[CantExplain]

I'm probably in the minority, but I'd just tell the whole story and damn the consequences.

[brillskep]

This is tough. I really sympathize as I am in a very similar situation (I've been very affected by my relationship with someone who is close to my T). In my case, it's taken me months to work up the courage to tell him. I still haven't told him though because, even though I feel like I can, it would still feel awkward for me to work with this and tell him all good and bad things I feel for someone he loves.

Now, I realize this is not quite the same as your situation, but maybe it might help you to hear what I've done. I told my T that I need to work on a relationship with someone he knows and that I would have trouble telling him things because he would recognize the person. We have worked on this using art-therapy so far (a lot of drawing, poetry, music) and we also talked some about my feelings (without mentioning context). My T always says that he doesn't know who I'm talking about and that he makes no effort in figuring it out, that that's not his job.

But in my case, the plan is to tell him eventually. We agreed to this. So I've slowly started saying small stuff about this person to my T in session, in different conversations than working on this. It's like I'm slowly connecting my experiences with the person's name. This feels safe to me (and to my T, I think). But then, my reasons for not talking about this person with my T may well be different from yours.

So, if you trust your T, this might be one idea. Just tell her it's someone you both know and you want to work on it but don't want other complications from it. Maybe this art-therapy and emotion approach will work for you too, maybe not. Maybe your T will come up with a good solution for the two of you to work on this.

I also want to ask (you don't have to answer to me), if this person has hurt you, how come you are so invested in protecting them? Just in case it might be helpful for you to figure that out.

[Littlemeinside]

My gut reaction is you´re trying to protect yourself? Why did he all of a sudden leave you ( rethorical question) and if he was in the wrong ...why protect him?

Therapy and 'secrets' don't work well.

[melania]

I understand you. This is the reason why I can't talk to another therapist- they know each other and I'm also scared they could find out who he is.
I hope you will feel better, just don't know what to say.

[granite1]

wow it is a hard situation to be in. it sound like you had a horrible time with loosing this person in your life. were you ever able to find out the reason for the sudden disappearance?
I may be way off with this and sorry if I am .but maybe try and look at it in a different light . I think you said one of the reasons you are having a problem feeling comfortable with telling your T about this is that you don't want your T to think badly of this person. maybe there could have been many valid reason for your pastors leaving . although very painful and devastating for you maybe you T will be able to not judge him at the same time be able to help and support you with dealing with the pain you still feel from the abandonment
it is hard when someone who has had such a positive influence in our life just leaves like that . it must be making it even more painful to know that now you are even closer to that situation again with this person. I know this has probably not been all that helpful but I hope you are able to figure out a way to share this with your T.

[Outcast_of_RGaol]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I have run into a dilemma with my T.

About two years ago, someone who had a major influence in my life left abruptly. I am still dealing with the effects of that, and yet I have never told my T. I have wanted to bring it up, but haven't had the courage yet.

The problem is that my T recently started working with him at her other job (it's a long story as to how I know that), and so if I tell her about this situation, she will be able to figure out it's him because she works with him and talks to him (it wouldn't take a whole lot of effort to piece the puzzle together). And I don't want her to think badly of him, nor do I want to tell his coworkers about his secrets and problems.

I don't know what to do. Do I continue to hold onto this situation myself? Or do I tell her about it, knowing she will probably be able to figure out it's him?

That is a particularly difficult and complicated situation... I'm sorry to hear that you have to weave your way through it. It sounds very frustrating and scary for you... for this I sympathize.

I hope that you don't allow your assumptions to carry you away too far into depression because I think you can figure out a way to work it out where you get to discuss it in therapy (not hold onto it by yourself) without dealing with the concern of talking poorly about him behind his back with his coworkers.
It's a difficult situation but I don't think impossible. You just need to be open to some creative thinking,

Can I ask... what's the nature of their relationship? How are they working together?

[HazelGirl]

Thank you all for some of these ideas. Let me go through and answer some of the questions for clarification...

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Hazelgirl....here are my gut reaction questions:

1. Why didnt you bring this up before? Why now?

2. What do you expect to gain from discussing it? Could you be able to just discuss it generically and still gain from the discussion... As in someone very important to me just disappeared from my life and how disappointing it was...

Good luck with it all. It gets complicated...i found out that all 3 of my Ts have common threads and know of each other but since they are Ts they are covered under confidentiality and can not speak about me to each other...

1. I have wanted to bring this up since I began therapy. I just haven't had the courage or the ability to. I feel like I'm just now getting to the point emotionally that I can start talking about the situation without feeling immense grief and sadness.

2. I know there was a lot in the relationship that was a replay of my past. Some of it was good in terms of healing relationally, and some was very bad for me. I think it would be extremely helpful for me to be able to work through all the things I experienced interacting with this person. The bad things are why I am hesitant to talk about it because I know I would have to say bad things about someone she knows and works with. Although I could maybe, possibly try to talk about it without explaining the situation, I don't know if it would make sense to her. When I was in high school, he was my pastor and then when I graduated, I worked under him as a volunteer and was mentored by him. So it is definitely a very nuanced relationship that would take some time to fully explain.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

HazelGirl, is this why you're feeling tired of therapy just now (your other thread)?

I don't know. I think I am tired of therapy because it's hard in general. This is one piece of it, but definitely not the hardest part.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by brillskep

This is tough. I really sympathize as I am in a very similar situation (I've been very affected by my relationship with someone who is close to my T). In my case, it's taken me months to work up the courage to tell him. I still haven't told him though because, even though I feel like I can, it would still feel awkward for me to work with this and tell him all good and bad things I feel for someone he loves.

Now, I realize this is not quite the same as your situation, but maybe it might help you to hear what I've done. I told my T that I need to work on a relationship with someone he knows and that I would have trouble telling him things because he would recognize the person. We have worked on this using art-therapy so far (a lot of drawing, poetry, music) and we also talked some about my feelings (without mentioning context). My T always says that he doesn't know who I'm talking about and that he makes no effort in figuring it out, that that's not his job.

But in my case, the plan is to tell him eventually. We agreed to this. So I've slowly started saying small stuff about this person to my T in session, in different conversations than working on this. It's like I'm slowly connecting my experiences with the person's name. This feels safe to me (and to my T, I think). But then, my reasons for not talking about this person with my T may well be different from yours.

So, if you trust your T, this might be one idea. Just tell her it's someone you both know and you want to work on it but don't want other complications from it. Maybe this art-therapy and emotion approach will work for you too, maybe not. Maybe your T will come up with a good solution for the two of you to work on this.

I also want to ask (you don't have to answer to me), if this person has hurt you, how come you are so invested in protecting them? Just in case it might be helpful for you to figure that out.

He didn't mean to hurt me. He left because he was having very serious mental health problems and couldn't continue being a pastor and helping others. The way he went about it was terrible and so sudden, but it did make sense.

Now, how I interpreted it was "it's my fault, I was too much to handle, etc..." which is why I really think it would be beneficial to talk about. I don't feel angry at him (anymore), and I don't want to cause someone else to dislike him or tell someone else about his past problems and struggles.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Littlemeinside

My gut reaction is you´re trying to protect yourself? Why did he all of a sudden leave you ( rethorical question) and if he was in the wrong ...why protect him?

No one was "in the wrong". The situation just sucked and was extremely painful. (See my response to brillskep's post for why he left.) I want to protect him because I still care about him and about his life.

There is and has always been some erotic transference stuff with him, and since he's married I spent years ignoring it and not really understanding it. Now that I understand transference, though, I think it would be beneficial to talk about that aspect of it as well. Although I know it boils down to wanting a male authority figure to love me and care about me, I still feel like I need to process that with someone.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Therapy and 'secrets' don't work well.

Yeah...you're right...

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by granite1

wow it is a hard situation to be in. it sound like you had a horrible time with loosing this person in your life. were you ever able to find out the reason for the sudden disappearance?
I may be way off with this and sorry if I am .but maybe try and look at it in a different light . I think you said one of the reasons you are having a problem feeling comfortable with telling your T about this is that you don't want your T to think badly of this person. maybe there could have been many valid reason for your pastors leaving . although very painful and devastating for you maybe you T will be able to not judge him at the same time be able to help and support you with dealing with the pain you still feel from the abandonment
it is hard when someone who has had such a positive influence in our life just leaves like that . it must be making it even more painful to know that now you are even closer to that situation again with this person. I know this has probably not been all that helpful but I hope you are able to figure out a way to share this with your T.

See my response to brillskep's post for why he left. And maybe I could explain well enough that she wouldn't judge him. But I don't know that for sure.

[AmysJourney]

I don't know what I can add to this, because this seems a complicated situation. But I could offer you a story of my own, a little different but also a little similar perhaps.

When I was 21 I was madly in love with this guy. I met him online through my job, one of his emails landed in my inbox and we started to email with each other. I fell in love over these emails in a very powerful way. In a way he was like a therapist - I told him things about me, he helped me understand and he was empathetic and all the stuff we would probably get from a good counselor. After six months of emailing and talking to him on the phone (had had repeatedly told me he was in love with me too) something bad happened to me and the only one I wanted to be with was him. So in an impulsive reaction I bought a ticket to England, where he lived and flew the ext day. He picked me up at the airport, the drive to his home was one and a half hours and I was the happiest girl in the world. It felt comfortable, easy and so very very good. We had kissed at the airport I have to add. When we got home, he unlocked the door but someone opened the door from the inside, a stunning beautiful woman. He said, as if it was nothing: "This is my wife.." I almost collapsed right there and then, everything was blurry and my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I had no option but to stay at their house and he made advances towards me every day and once it got to the point where we.. you know.

I had to leave and found a Christian counselor from a church close to his town, because I had this urgent need to talk to someone about this. In the first session I didn't speak much just gave a tiny piece of information. This counselor told me about the church he belonged to and I went to a church service the next Sunday. And I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the worship leader - it was my guy!
The counselor knew him well, they were even friends! I was stuck in my pain and was so very afraid of telling him more because I knew eventually he would find out who I was talking about and I was afraid that it would affect his friendship, his view of the guy etc.. It was horrible.
But I couldn't change counselors back then, there was no one else. So one day I came right out and said: Well, I am going to tell you something and you will know who I am talking about and this might be difficult for you - but I tell you, it's more difficult for me and that's why I am here.
I told him everything and left with huge guilt.
But the next session he assured me that I was his client and that I am his priority and that he has the ability to keep his feelings about the guy intact WHILE still understanding my pain and my struggles.
Of course he never told the guy that he knew and as far as I knew, it didn't affect the friendship between them. And if it did, then it wouldn't have been my responsibility.

I don't know if it helps but I think it's possible for therapists to keep their personal feelings for someone and their professional care for their clients apart from each other.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Outcast_of_RGaol

That is a particularly difficult and complicated situation... I'm sorry to hear that you have to weave your way through it. It sounds very frustrating and scary for you... for this I sympathize.

I hope that you don't allow your assumptions to carry you away too far into depression because I think you can figure out a way to work it out where you get to discuss it in therapy (not hold onto it by yourself) without dealing with the concern of talking poorly about him behind his back with his coworkers.
It's a difficult situation but I don't think impossible. You just need to be open to some creative thinking,

Can I ask... what's the nature of their relationship? How are they working together?

She has just become a teacher at a local graduate school and he is one of the guidance counselors. I was told by a mutual friend, just in passing, that they have met and do know each other. So it's not like I can hope that they will never talk. They already know each other.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Amelia112

I don't know what I can add to this, because this seems a complicated situation. But I could offer you a story of my own, a little different but also a little similar perhaps.

When I was 21 I was madly in love with this guy. I met him online through my job, one of his emails landed in my inbox and we started to email with each other. I fell in love over these emails in a very powerful way. In a way he was like a therapist - I told him things about me, he helped me understand and he was empathetic and all the stuff we would probably get from a good counselor. After six months of emailing and talking to him on the phone (had had repeatedly told me he was in love with me too) something bad happened to me and the only one I wanted to be with was him. So in an impulsive reaction I bought a ticket to England, where he lived and flew the ext day. He picked me up at the airport, the drive to his home was one and a half hours and I was the happiest girl in the world. It felt comfortable, easy and so very very good. We had kissed at the airport I have to add. When we got home, he unlocked the door but someone opened the door from the inside, a stunning beautiful woman. He said, as if it was nothing: "This is my wife.." I almost collapsed right there and then, everything was blurry and my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I had no option but to stay at their house and he made advances towards me every day and once it got to the point where we.. you know.

I had to leave and found a Christian counselor from a church close to his town, because I had this urgent need to talk to someone about this. In the first session I didn't speak much just gave a tiny piece of information. This counselor told me about the church he belonged to and I went to a church service the next Sunday. And I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the worship leader - it was my guy!
The counselor knew him well, they were even friends! I was stuck in my pain and was so very afraid of telling him more because I knew eventually he would find out who I was talking about and I was afraid that it would affect his friendship, his view of the guy etc.. It was horrible.
But I couldn't change counselors back then, there was no one else. So one day I came right out and said: Well, I am going to tell you something and you will know who I am talking about and this might be difficult for you - but I tell you, it's more difficult for me and that's why I am here.
I told him everything and left with huge guilt.
But the next session he assured me that I was his client and that I am his priority and that he has the ability to keep his feelings about the guy intact WHILE still understanding my pain and my struggles.
Of course he never told the guy that he knew and as far as I knew, it didn't affect the friendship between them. And if it did, then it wouldn't have been my responsibility.

I don't know if it helps but I think it's possible for therapists to keep their personal feelings for someone and their professional care for their clients apart from each other.

Thank you for this story. That must have been extremely difficult. Maybe you're right and I just need to bite the bullet and spill it out, ignoring the potential consequences to him. I just feel a loyalty to him that I would hate to break. Maybe it's because that feels like the one thing tying me to him still? I don't know.

[Outcast_of_RGaol]

What if you tried a little probing/reconnaissance work with your T first? (forgive the military jargon)
That is, talk to her in one session first, only about her views and abilities to deal with issues that might have conflicts of interest by the both of you.

Tell her upfront that you have a mutual friend and that you had some "history" with him and that you really wanted to talk about it in a therapy session with but then found out that she was friends with him too... but don't give any further details about him even if she insists.
Talk to her about how you've been sweating all the possible scenarios that could possibly happen and how your concern for everyone involved has become a rather large issue in and of itself and therefore, that is the thing you want to process first.

Tell her that you have concerns about:
Talking behind his back.
The possibility of her viewing him in a negative way and perhaps allowing what you say impact her relationship with him. (protecting you)
The possibility of her viewing you as vindictive towards her friend and minimizing your feelings about your what he did. (protecting him)
...and everything else your feeling over discussing anything about mutual friends.

Just an idea...