Dilemma

Thank you for this. I think it's a very good idea once I sort out how to bring up the subject.

i would not share about someone else's mental health issues to a work colleague of theirs. that could damage his career. a good way to think about this is to turn it around: how would you feel if someone you were close to shared with one of your co-workers your mental health history? i sure wouldn't like it and would honestly feel betrayed.

i still think your best option is to just say he's an old family friend and tell your story but not mention his name or any identifying details (e.g. he wasn't a youth pastor but a camp counselor, teacher, etc). i'd maybe also tell your T that you are changing some details for privacy reasons but i wouldn't tell her she knows him as she may then try to figure it out.

just wanted to add that i think finding a middle ground between keeping silent and telling all the personally identifying details is the way to go. you need to process this but you don't have to reveal his identity.

You wrote that you don't think your pastor actually did anything wrong, but you're worried your t won't see it that way, even if you try to explain it to her. Is part of the reason you're protecting him due to the stigma against mental illness (his mental illness)? If so, what I'm thinking is that if anyone *should* know how to avoid harboring stigmas against people with mental illness, a guidance counselor and a therapist should. Of course, some people in those fields do harbor stigmas, but maybe this would be a way for them to learn to overcome that, if needed.

I don't know exactly what he did, so I guess it's possible I would think he did something wrong. But if the hurtful things he did are forgivable due to his mental illness, I'm thinking the burden of the forgiveness shouldn't have to fall on your shoulders alone. I'm not totally sure I'm saying that in a way that makes sense... but I hope you can share your feelings about what happened.

In most situations I would agree with you and I admire your values about that in almost all situations. One other thing to consider is that technically it's illegal under ADA for an employer to allow awareness of a mental illness to impinge on someone's career. But in the real world in most cases it's probably likely not to work out that way, so of course you are right that it could damage someone's career.

However, in this case I think it is different because the person involved is a therapist who is supposed to be trained to accept people for who they are, not stigmatize people based on a disability. Additionally, what happened did hurt Hazel, so it seems like she has a right to have her needs met too.

Maybe another way to try to approach it would be to get a sense of whether the therapist's values related to mental illness (or any other relevant issues) are compatible with yours, Hazel, before you disclose what happened with the pastor.

I haven't gone back and responded to this. I am sorry. I am still confused as to what to do, but maybe in time, I will have more clarity.