[JaneC]

Recently I have been extremely low, life has thrown many curve balls and now I find myself in a deep depression with awful thoughts that i never imagined returning to this extent.

I saw my T yesterday and told him just how bad I am feeling, it was really hard for me to let it all out. I cried buckets despite stopping as many of the tears that I could. It took all of my courage to tell him about a behaviour that happened that was new to me and that I am soo embarrassed about. Before I told him i specifically told him I was very ashamed of what I was about to say.

His response shocked me, he asked "But how do you actually.......(do what I had done)?" I just looked at him open mouthed and all I could say was 'Out of all the questions you could ask me about this, you ask that?". And then I laughed hysterically!!! When he corrected himself and said his first thought was "And how old did you feel when you were doing that?"

I feel so hurt.....hurt because of what he said I feel more ashamed (and I don't know why because its not anything deviant or weird), hurt because it was hard for me to tell him that and he reacted in such a weird way. Disappointed because he pulled the typical BS how old did you feel line. It felt like he was totally not in sync with me this session at all, like his head was not in the room or if it was he certainly was not reading me at all well.

I needed some real concrete support, skills and a plan darn it to get through the next week......and instead I come out feeling hurt, disappointed and a little(a lot) angry! You see, it is only in the last few weeks that I have genuinely felt that I trusted him, liked him and began to believe maybe he will actually be able to help me. I trusted him to a much greater degree than I thought I might(after almost a year) and now I feel this has blown a great hole in that.

And I am still left feeling as bad as when I walked in that bloody room, no wait, worse in fact.......

Not sure what I am asking for except maybe......why does this happen in therapy? can anyone relate?

[Nightlight]

I think it happens because they aren't perfect and sometimes they fail to keep their imperfect selves out of the therapeutic relationship.

Sometimes I think they forget the way that little things they say can have a big impact on their clients. Because many of them can leave their office and go off to lead their own okay lives, I think that often they can't fully understand what it is like to be a client who leaves their office and is not okay, who has to cope with the difficult stuff all of the time. In a way, it's almost unfair that they can be so removed from their clients in some ways, yet cause so much disruption in their clients lives so easily. All therapists will make some mistakes however, and I think the really telling thing is the way that they handle themselves afterwards. They can use their previous unhelpful response and turn everything around and actually go on to help their clients have a more balanced understanding of comments and situations like the one that occurred, or they can continue to stuff up! So I tend to think it’s important to tell therapists about the difficulties that come up in response to their unhelpful reactions—My therapist tells me I’m quite critical (but it’s okay because so is she).

[Canyon]

I'm sorry that you had that experience. I don't blame you for feeling hurt.

I don't really have any answers as to why he would be so insensitive except maybe he caught a bad case of foot-in-mouth disease at exactly the wrong time.

Maybe you could write him a letter to let him know exactly how it made you feel. You could gauge a lot from how he responds to your hurt and criticism.

[someone321]

I'm sorry that it happened to you, I can completely relate and I hate that feeling... My T once said that he doesn't think about the impact of his words on a client - he just simply says what he thinks because that's how usually people react...

Originally Posted by someone321

My T once said that he doesn't think about the impact of his words on a client - he just simply says what he thinks because that's how usually people react...

Right there is why this guy is not a competent therapist, in my opinion. You are paying the man to use his skills. If you wanted somebody who talks and reacts to what you say "like people usually do", you can find some regular person who is not a professional to talk to, and not pay them.

[Open Eyes]

((Jane)),

It's kind of hard to know exactly how inappropriate he was without knowing what you actually said to him tbh.

However, it is not unusual for a T dealing with a patient that struggles from "complex PTSD" to ask a patient the question of "how old they felt" when they react to something in a certain way.

I don't know what you told him, but after you calm down, can you think about what you did and how it may connect with a reaction you had when you were at younger times in your life, and if that was because of your family environment?

I have had similar disappointments with my therapist too, but after I calmed down and thought more about it, I could actually see where it came from and "why" I reacted or even got angry.

Everything is a key that can open another door in ourselves that we may not really know existed attached to "the emotions we feel". Even, how you were beginning to form a trust and how you are not so sure right now can lead to something you didn't realize. You can always write whatever you feel, whatever it leads to down and talk about it in the next session.

Try to look at all these challenges as things your T may not realize isn't the right kind of reaction to a patient. T's are always learning from their patients, they never really get to a point where they "just know everything" Jane. Therapy really is "both T and patient" learning together, it is a " therapy practice".

PTSD "is" a challenge because we "need and so badly want" our T to come up with just the right answers for us, but that doesn't always happen, it doesn't happen with anyone.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[JaneC]

Thanks for replying.

I agree that there is no such thing as the perfect T and I think mine is potentially good enough, just was not having his best day? For this reason I have sent him an email with a copy of what I wrote above(oh yikes!) and asking him to please help me to talk about it with him next week.

I am now terrified how he will respond, be angry annoyed etc etc, but if I didn't send the email I think I would probably have just not said a thing and instead be distant, cold and closed off. I need and want to change this.

someone321......I agree with what Mastodon said, and after reading your other post I do hope you have another T soon?

OE.....I get the how old were you feeling phrase and why it is used, and yep I understand that a lot could come from listening to it. It was just not what I needed right then. I know I need to work harder and I will. Thanks as always for your thoughts.

Its a bloody hard journey this therapy isn't it?

[Nightlight]

I'm glad you've let him know! It gives him a chance to explain his reaction and be aware of the impact it had on you. I find the uncomfotable discussions around things like this in therapy can end up being really helpful in the end.

[Open Eyes]

(((Jane))),

If he is a "good" therapist, he won't be angry, it's his job to help you with these feelings remember.

I think you should tell him that you were worried he would be angry. This is important for you to talk about with him. Jane, you have PTSD, he upset you and you need to talk about it with him, yes it can be difficult, but you are seeing him for help, not to be someone you are afraid of. Therapy is not about "pleasing your T", you need to be able to just "let it out" when scenarios like this come up, it will help you build "more" trust in him.

I think you "hold back and hold in too much" you need to be able to let it out, if not with a good therapist then who? Well, it should be with your T. He should help you with your "anger too" and I can you tend to stuff, I did that too, not good. My T has seen me angry, my T said something wrong too, we worked it out and that help me build more "trust" in him, I had a long way to go so it was important to me to get past that part.

I hope you told him "why" and what that why is connected to, you need to do that.

I know you are "trying very hard" Jane and if your therapists sees that too, he will work hard with you, my T does.

Let us know how you make out.

((Supportive Hugs)))
OE

[renie1022]

He broke the rule of "unconditional positive regard" which was really unprofessional. I am so sorry that happened to you. A new therapist of mine (one i was interviewing to see if I wanted her as my T) once asked me a question like that and it was very upsetting, so I totally understand.
renie

[JaneC]

Oh gosh........now I feel soo bad!

As I said I emailed my T the above initial post, and have been stressing about his reaction since. We had a public holiday here yesterday, Monday, so today I got an email back from him.

He was his usual calm, brief but kind self and thanked me for telling him and then said that "Yes, I would appreciate us talking about this on Thursday" and told me to take care.

This is the strange bit, my heart started beating fast and I thought....oh **** now I'm in trouble....but my logical mind then came back with, oh he is probably just glad that you finally want to face something instead of being angry/upset/defensive and doing nothing about resolving it. Pretty good thought right? EXCEPT, I am still worried like mad that he is mad at me, that I have upset him, that I will be in trouble.....etc etc etc. Arrgggggghhhhh, does this ever stop being so difficult and confusing?

ps; do you think I have hurt him by being so direct and telling him how I felt? Is that wrong?

[Nightlight]

All part of the fun of therapy, I find. It's always good when the session is over and you find out that it really wasn't such a big deal after all. I don't think it's terribly likely that he's mad or upset. And you know what, my therapist has been mad and upset with me before. It wasn't just about me, it wasn't just my stuff—it was her stuff as well, and it was survivable. I've felt pretty angry and upset with her at times as well, but it didn't mean that something bad was going to happen to the relationship between us. I really do think that the most therapists tend to handle things like this very easily and doubt it causes them much worry at all, despite how troubling the whole situation can be for their client.