[DelusionsDaily]

So I had DBT group tonight and in the beginning we discussed homework. I discussed how I have intense thoughts of not being good enough/working hard enough/doing enough/efficient enough/etc. Normally they give feedback on improvement and this time they didn't because they didn't want to contribute to those thoughts. However, if I don't get feedback...how do I better use what I'm learning? I don't know...just VERY uncomfortable. Ugh! Definitely anxiety provoking...so it better not happen again.

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[Rapunzel]

What kind of feedback would you have liked? One the one hand, you really feel that way - not good enough, etc. You have undoubtedly had experiences that contributed to those feelings. The feeling is real for you. At the same time, feelings aren't facts. Feeling not good enough doesn't make it true. You did well, working on your homework and presenting it in group, talking about uncomfortable feelings. Asking for what you need is another DBT skill - even confronting the skills group leader when you feel uncomfortable in group or don't get what you need.

Actually part of dbt is learning to communicate your feelings. I would go back next time and ask what you could have said to get feedback. Did you ask for feedback? Sometimes people forget to actually ask for it. I'm not saying you didn't but that's an example of why you might not have gotten any feedback. It could very well be that they were uncomfortable too. In which case it would also be a good learning experience for them.

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Maybe what you need most is to learn to be less self-critical and more personally accepting of where you are here and now. Not getting feedback could be what you needed most at that moment. No one can give you enough feedback to counteract that self-talk. You have to fight that battle on your own.

[DelusionsDaily]

The problem is if I am less self-critical I am afraid I will lose motivation to keep moving forward. Those criticisms are what keep me working harder to always be a better me. I always feel like I am trying to make up for lost time-like when depression strikes and I have no motivation for anything. So when I am well I am always working twice as hard to improve myself, my life, etc.

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People generally respond most effectively to positive feedback, so why is it you believe you will only respond to negative feedback. Learn to give yourself positive strokes. Criticizing yourself to the exclusion of your successes will lead to more criticism. Positive personal feedback motivates for more positive behaviors. You don't have to slap yourself down to move forward. I'm curious. Did someone in your life criticism you a lot under the guise of "I'm doing it for your own good" or something similar?

[DelusionsDaily]

Actually my mom and grandma (mom's mom) have been very critical in the effort that I would be "better". Maybe that's where it comes from...I dunno. I'm not critical to the complete exclusion of the good I can acknowledge the good...just a bit harder to see for me. I mean I realize I have come long way in a few months and that's great but I always seem to strive for better. I don't know how to just relish the accomplishments I have made. In the back of my mind there's always this "how can it be better?" thought. I don't think it's a bad thing unless it becomes consuming which it has been lately most of the time.

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[unlockingsanity]

So, when you shared your thoughts, no one said anything? How is not saying anything even remotely helpful? Why wouldn't they point out the advances you've already made to encourage to to keep improving?

Sometimes it really seems like DBT is a cruel form of therapy.

[DelusionsDaily]

DBT has been extremely helpful till now. I think they didn't want to exacerbate my already nearly overwhelming self critical thoughts lately but by not offering feedback just intensified my own criticisms because I had to "make up" for what I didn't get in group. Oh well guess I will just do what's working for me and disregard them. I mean I will still go but not expect much from them. My therapist, when she comes back from maternity leave, will help me improve on my skills, since group isn't going to help. Goes to show honesty is not always the best policy!

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[Rapunzel]

Melissa, that was really good insight about how you feel that being self-critical helps you. Have you talked to your T about that? You could try talking about it in group too and see if they have some feedback about that.

[DelusionsDaily]

Rapunzel, I can't talk to T about it right now as she is still on maternity leave for a few weeks. I would talk about it in group but they limited the kind of feedback they will give...given the "negativity" of it. When it gets closer for T to come back I will shoot her an email about things to talk about in our first session.

Sorry it took so long to get back to you.

[Rapunzel]

When your T comes back, or if you feel like you could, you might ask the group therapist if you could talk about your realization maybe before or after group, or during a break. Your call. I just think that you are onto something and it would be worth talking about.