[Freewilled]

I'm going on almost a full year of weekly therapy sessions with the same T and I am tired of me. I just realized that I still go in and out of denial about my need for help or therapy or.....pretty much anything. I've spent the better part of this afternoon lying in bed because I have no desire, energy, motivation..... I know I'm depressed. I know I definitely must totally lack the ability to be in a real relationship with anyone based on my people-pleasing-and-who-knows-what else behavior that just embarrassingly seems to comes out more and more with my T I know that my childhood sucked. I know I dissociate in sessions and I guess in my real life too. I know I suck at setting boundaries. I know I have social anxiety that I've spent my while life hiding from people as much as possible. I'm sure there's more.

Ugh. All this to say, I still beat myself up over having any problems at all and tell myself to get it together. I feel like my body and mind are going into shutdown mode or something. I've been increasingly having Sui and thinking of harming but even that isn't where I am right now. I'm just tired.

I told my T that I have spent my entire life determined NOT to end up like my parents (who I love, but who parentified me and yadda yadda yadda) so to even admit I'm "unwell" triggers me to panic and start working at being "fine"
again. I don't know if I make any sense here whatsoever but how do you balance staying out of denial with staying stuck in your symptoms?

[unlockingsanity]

Oh Free.

It is so hard to find the motivation to take steps to a different life. I feel like I understand what you're talking about.

The way that I move forward toward that life that I want, is to look at what I want to achieve in the end, and then look at the steps I need to get there. I identify a few and then work towards them.

Only looking at what you want but how far you are away from that is SO depressing. I find that if you focus on the small steps, you feel more in control and you can build up your confidence with yourself.

For me, my current goals are to work as many week days as I can and to do one social event each week. I find the more I work, the better I feel because I know that is one step towards a better future.

Maybe if you identify what small steps you can start to feel more motivated and better with yourself.

[CantExplain]

((Freewilled))

Habits are hard to break!

"Not wanting to end up like your parents" is a fair goal. I wanted that, but I went too far. I erased my childhood and that left me rootless and with a poor sense of identity. I don't know what the solution is.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

((Freewilled))

Habits are hard to break!

"Not wanting to end up like your parents" is a fair goal. I wanted that, but I went too far. I erased my childhood and that left me rootless and with a poor sense of identity. I don't know what the solution is.

Yes - I think I've done something similar. My past is buried to the point that when I try to talk about it, it's like I'm talking about someone else. My feelings are detached. I can't even remember a lot of stuff. I can talk about what I think happened but....I tell my T I will not speculate. I don't want to make something out of nothing. He tells me that he does not believe its "nothing" and that we can infer that it's something based on my problems in the here-and-now. I almost believe him but then I fall back to maybe it's just me and my personality. Maybe I'm just wrong and messed up because of who I am. I really need to get past this crap. Ugh.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Yes - I think I've done something similar. My past is buried to the point that when I try to talk about it, it's like I'm talking about someone else. My feelings are detached. I can't even remember a lot of stuff. I can talk about what I think happened but....I tell my T I will not speculate. I don't want to make something out of nothing. He tells me that he does not believe its "nothing" and that we can infer that it's something based on my problems in the here-and-now. I almost believe him but then I fall back to maybe it's just me and my personality. Maybe I'm just wrong and messed up because of who I am. I really need to get past this crap. Ugh.

Can you trust the fact that your T has a lot of schooling and practice and that he probably knows what he's talking about?

[ECHOES]

We discover things when we're working our ourselves. It is part of the process Avoiding judging ourselves and making ourselves feel guilty or defective is hard, but something to strive for, so what we've uncovered or discovered can be explored and learned about. Awareness is the first step toward changes we want. Be kind to you

[elliemay]

Most likely all of this is the depression talking. What are you doing for that?

[Freewilled]

Hazelgirl - yes, it's definitely something I'm trying to absorb and remember that he is trained to help with these things. In fact, he just said that to me the other day /: I KNOW that intellectually, but part of me has a hell of a time trusting. Plus, he doesn't know everything about me...

Echoes - thank you. I know I need more self-compassion. Definitely trying to work on that one...but it's like I'm in and out of reality. That's the scary part for me. I am in and out of denial. At least I can say that I'm aware of that fact now, whereas a year ago I was nowhere near that level of awareness.

Elliemay - I'm going to therapy but I'm not on any meds. I'm trying to change my thought process but maybe I need something else (?) part of my problem with trying to change my behavior to help (eating better, quitting smoking, exercising, getting involved in hobbies, talking to others, etc.) is that I can't seem to stick with it. I will be good for a while like maybe a week and then I stop. I know thats my fault. I see that....but it's a cycle. Now I'm afraid to try because I will just fail again. But I am thinking about joining the rec center right down the street from me. Maybe when I inevitably fail, i can talk to my T about it and dissect wtf is happening. Idk.

[purple orchid]

Dear Freewilled,
This is the depression talking. I can really relate to how you are feeling, things will get better.
You seem to by trying to change your behaviour in lots of areas, maybe just concentrating on one or two areas first and taking baby steps could help and be more achievable?
Be gentle and patient with yourself, I know it's hard but you have to learn to care about yourself before you can move forward.
Have you thought about trying meds? I just stared taking them recently and they are helping to lift the depression.
Please share how you are feeling with your T.
Sending you lots of hugs..

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Hazelgirl - yes, it's definitely something I'm trying to absorb and remember that he is trained to help with these things. In fact, he just said that to me the other day /: I KNOW that intellectually, but part of me has a hell of a time trusting. Plus, he doesn't know everything about me...

Echoes - thank you. I know I need more self-compassion. Definitely trying to work on that one...but it's like I'm in and out of reality. That's the scary part for me. I am in and out of denial. At least I can say that I'm aware of that fact now, whereas a year ago I was nowhere near that level of awareness.

Elliemay - I'm going to therapy but I'm not on any meds. I'm trying to change my thought process but maybe I need something else (?) part of my problem with trying to change my behavior to help (eating better, quitting smoking, exercising, getting involved in hobbies, talking to others, etc.) is that I can't seem to stick with it. I will be good for a while like maybe a week and then I stop. I know thats my fault. I see that....but it's a cycle. Now I'm afraid to try because I will just fail again. But I am thinking about joining the rec center right down the street from me. Maybe when I inevitably fail, i can talk to my T about it and dissect wtf is happening. Idk.

Sometimes it takes awhile to find an activity/place where you feel comfortable and will stick with. I know it did for me. You just have to keep trying.

I also think when you've reached the point where you are staying in bed and feeling suicidal, then therapy alone is not enough. Helpful, but not enough.

i know a lot of persons here, and elsewhere are anti-med. I was too. I carried my first prescription in my purse for weeks prior to having it filled - but I did. It helped. Turned out to be a very valuable tool in helping my live a better life.

It's easy to slip into the "things will never get any better than they are now" or the "i'm tired of fighting" mode. It fits me like an old shoe.

However, it's a trick, a total lie that your brain is telling you. Things can and will get better. In fact, the mountain is not all that high once you're on it.

All you can do is try. Fall down seven times, get up eight.