Panic in session

Had a really tough session today. I didn't feel going in that i'd have much emotion since i was feeling a bit numb. But then my T touched on something and i just cried and cried, she said to just let it all out and i just kept shaking my head and then i had a panic attack. Virtually ran to the bathroom and stayed there till i could get my breathing under control. T came out to check on me which was nice.
Back in the room she helped me regulate my breathing and gave me lavender on a tissue. And we talked about what happened. Cue more tears from me.
She gave me loads of time and sent me away with some of her lavender in a little bottle cos i liked the smell. And she has offered to have a phone session with me every saturday to keep up the connection because sometimes i struggle with waiting the week. And she isn't charging me for the phone session because i can't afford it but need it. Can't believe how nice that is of her!

Already my stupid mind is trying to tear me down for accepting that from her. That i am taking advantage of her, that i am selfish for accepting, that i don't deserve it. That i am setting myself up for massive heartache when she takes it away from me.. etc. dumb mind.

I just wanted to hug my T tonight for being so extra lovely. I think i have a good one there.

So sorry you had a rough session!

As my T constantly reminds me: she wouldn't offer if she didn't want to do it. Your T offered the extra phone session, she wouldn't have done that if it were a problem for her. Sometimes it's okay to be a little selfish!

I know, i keep reminding myself of that.

Still hard to take in and accept, I know. My T has to remind me of this almost every time she does something "extra" for me.

Sometimes i wonder why they would do those extra things?

Because they love their job? Cause they like helping people rebuild their lives?

Wow, she is definitely a keeper Asia. She goes above and beyond the call of duty.

I struggle with this, too. I don't like accepting even little things from my T. But she is so willing to offer whatever I need. It's difficult. I think she does it because she cares and genuinely wants to see me get better.

Perhaps this would be a great time to tell her thank you, and be thankful.

I did tell her thank you and i am grateful. Just because i worry about accepting her help or why she is doing it doesn't mean i'm not incredibly grateful. But i have history with therapists over-stretching themselves in the name of helping me and then taking it away or terminating me, i also have a history of inconsistent parenting, emotional abuse and neglect which makes it hard to trust that anything or anyone will be around for long , so forgive me for not trusting it. I'm not being ungrateful and i don't appreciate your insinuation that i am.

Thanks for your input.