Hi, I allowed myelf to become more vunrable today and continue the talk with t about my feelings re our relationship.

I told her that she knows how I feel about her, what more is there to say? She asked me how I felt talking about my feelings toward her, and I replied, "stupid and childlike".

She then said that she didn't feel I was being stupid. But I said, "well in my mind I feel stupid and I feel your laughing at me".

She then said that I need to check these fantasy's with reality by asking her if she was laughing at me, or asking her how she felt about me telling her how I feel.

I really feel at a loss a lot of the time as too what is ok to be asking. I mean is it normal to ask her a question such as "how do you feel about me?" or is that a no, no? see I really am not sure about how this is supposed to go.

I feel like me asking her questions is like digging for compliments

Has anyone here got passed this stage? and if so what type of questions or dialogues did you have?

[lenjan]

All my T's have asked me periodically what I think they think of me. It does make for a good reality vs. perception check.

However, *they* have asked the question initially. On the occasions I've asked for an opinion on anything, including myself, it got deflected by some version of "my opinion doesn't matter, what do YOU think?"

[Perna]

There are no "wrong" questions but I have found the "best" ones for me to ask are really specific ones, those that check my assumptions of reality, like your T mentioned. Instead of "how do you feel about me?" a better question would be, "I think you feel X about me, is that true?" Because, often if someone says "I really like you" we don't believe them because we have other, lower level conflicting thoughts about ourselves and the other person and what we think they think. If we can check out these lower level thoughts of ours and get them out of the way when they're not true (or be brave and learn if they are true so we know where we stand) that makes things lots easier.

Keep the focus on what you think rather than on what the other person thinks and you can get your own thoughts and feelings in order better. I adopted an attitude toward my therapist a little like "don't care" since my role in therapy is different from my therapist's so I'd let her do her "thing" rather than trying to second guess her and what she is/is not doing/thinking. It's important to learn how I feel and think and what I'm doing; that's why I'm there. So, I talk as much as possible about myself, use "I" sentences and concentrate on answering any questions she asks rather than wondering why she's asking a particular question. I just "assume" she has a good reason and work at focusing on my "half" of the problem, understanding myself rather than her half which is helping me to understand myself.

perna, candybear... thanks you've been very helpful :-)

[(JD)]

I would hope that any question that comes to mind could be asked! Even if the question itself isn't answerable, the reason for the question can be discussed. Sometimes that is more important.

I do think it's very good to know how your T thinks, and what the T thinks... as it's very important to NOT put words into the T's mouth, which is a common error. (We only think we know what the T would say, when in reality...we have it all wrong.) Going over what you think and what the T thinks is good in developing reality.

TC

You know I guess I realise just how little I do know about myself....since yesterday I've been trying to catch what I am thinking and its like trying to catch a fly in a net...near impossible..:-(

I do feel a bit sad at just how little I know off myself...my mind is rather like a tennis match...it swings from 1 end off the court, to the other :-( ....

oh well...on I trudge LOL

[Sarah116]

Hum, I have sorta a same thing, I feel that they will not understand and misinterpret things then i won't get any of the right things! Like I won't get the right treatment. I am pretty quiet most of the time. I hope it all works out for you! God bless you!

hi sarah. Yes I think being quite is my next tactic..