Acting out in therapy

I often have the urge to "test" my Ts. Once I drank Hydrogen Peroxide to make myself puke in session when talking about a difficult topic. Once I lied about having younger half-siblings who are being abused right now (they don't exist) to see if T would pressure me into reporting it. Once I took a large dose of DXM to appear in therapy in a dissociated/near-catatonic state.

That was all with previous Ts. Though I still have the urges with current T, I try to talk to him instead of acting out.

What bugs me the most is that these actions don't appear terribly "bad" to me. So what if I drank bleach in order to puke in front of T? I needed to know if he cared about me!!! My rational brain tells me it's really bad, but then my emotional brain jumps in and says "go ahead and do it anyway. the end justifies the means..."

The only way I can get myself not to do those things with current T is by telling myself that I won't benefit from therapy if I keep being deceptive. Sure, it will get my immediate needs met, but I won't ever change...

Have you told your current T about your past escapades in therapy? I would think that might be the first and most important step to take at this point. Get the secret out so you can be held accountable. Consequences for doing these types of things may be what you need (no punishment, but definitely consequences). Otherwise, one these tests will end up with you hospitalized with serious medical problems or worse, death.

You are just crazy
(It's a compliment)
Do you have a diagnose?

PDoc has me down for PTSD, T for an adjustment disorder. T doesn't believe in diagnoses and he said that an adjustment disorder is the mildest diagnosis that's covered by insurance.

I have told him about lying to previous Ts and I have told him about a few instances of instances of self-harm, but I have not specifically linked substances/self-harm to therapy...

I considered whether to tell him and then I thought about the consequences and decide not to. I don't want my T to second-guess everything I say or do... Sometimes I do have days when I am naturally "out of it" and on those days I want support and not confrontation. (I think of those past escapades as a test, really. They were all artificially creating situations that do realistically arise in my life and are likely to occur with T at some point. I have always had a hard time trusting my Ts and needed to know how they would react before I was actually vulnerable.)

You realize how out of whack that is, right?

No, honestly, I don't.

A lot of clients seem to test their T (e.g. disclose something small before you disclose something big). Sure, I take it further than most, but is it really that out of whack?

This makes complete sense to me. I think not finding out or at least trying to find out would be careless on the part of the client. I wouldn't drink bleach or act in such ways personally, but I completely agree with the need to know.

i believe in testing your t, so i validate you testing your t, to see if you can become vulnerable, what i totally disagree with is your way of doing it, which is detremenatal to your health physically and mentally, this should be your ONE priority goal, your IMMEDIATE concern to BRING up asap to your therapist, is how you put your life in danger to test your t, as this is not ACTING OUT, this is more a step more towards getting yourself ADMITTED into the hospital. good luck .

I understand why you do this, but I also think that's something you need to tell your T. He/she needs to know you do this and why so that they can help you if something happens and it damages you physically. And your T can help you find different ways to find out if people are trustworthy rather than hurting yourself.

Oh my goodness. Find other ways to test your T, please. It's not worth the risk to your health.

It's manipulative. Disclosing something small is about testing if it is safe to disclose something big. It's actually a healthy thing to do with any new relationship. You're looking for an emotional response through deception. Any normal person is going to be concerned for your health. How does that tell you if it is safe to trust this person?

Do you see the difference?

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Going blind is not worth the price of attention. Lying will hurt your chances of a future connection with someone.

I understand the overwhelming desire for immediate relief, though.

There's a big difference between testing someone's trustworthiness, and manipulating them through injuring yourself.

One is safe. One is not.

I'm sorry that you feel that hurting yourself, and outright lying and manipulating are the only ways to see if someone can be trusted. That really must hurt in more ways than one. And it's totally ineffective too, because pretty much anybody will respond to someone who's throwing up or at risk of dying.

I know that I test people... but I never lie to them. Well, I lie by omission but everyone lies by omission about things. Testing, to me, is like an iceburg. I give the tip of the iceburg and see how that goes. With any iceburg, there's a whoooolle lot more of it under the water.

On behalf of all preceding patients/clients.....ewwwww, the stench of vomit...rank....:thumbdown:

You seem to like the attention first, approach to therapy, as opposed to recognize, we are paying them to sit there with us? They don't need to like us, on a personal level, they get paid to be there.

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it sounds like you are growing and learning even if you don't quite get yet why it is not good to do these sorts of things. so, you're half way there. michanne & red panda have explained the difference well. it is okay to share a small piece of sensitive info to see how it will be received by your T. then, if your T responds well you will feel safer to reveal more. that is normal and healthy and how trust is built in therapy and in real life. trust does require us to be vulnerable. there isn't really any getting around that but we can take it slow and observe how others respond bit by bit.

what you don't want to do is manipulate people by doing the things like drinking dangerous substances, lying, etc. to get a response. try turning it around when you are considering doing something like that. how would you feel if someone were to drink bleach, lie, etc. in order to see how you'd respond? i know i would be pissed if i found out i was being manipulated or lied to and would not deal with the person any further. it's the dishonesty and manipulation that would make me mad--not the act. dishonesty and manipulation make a person untrustworthy so that is why you don't want to do those things.

I don't think this is really about testing the other person. As others have pointed out, it doesn't accomplish that goal. Sometimes people who have been so hurt feel that they are undeserving of any care and attention. They have been so deprived of normal affection, that those needs can only be expressed indirectly through manipulating circumstances to provoke care. Is it possible that you only felt cared for and nurtured as a child during times of illness?

The more you can be willing to risk letting in the attention of your T, as that alliance grows, the more those needs will be fulfilled and you won't feel the pressure to provoke attention. If you can talk about not feeling nurtured or "seen" in the past, you can find other ways to get the caring you deserve.

I don't believe in testing any of my Ts, they are there to help me. So I won't hurt them as I feel that is wrong.

Why don't you show this to your t. Instead of actually doing this?

l understand that you may consider this Ok, but wonder if you can understand why other's think it is risky?

I think I kind of understand where you are coming from. After I had a traumatic experience I thought that some people would care about me more because of this experience. I guess I just never really believed that anyone would care about me unless I was in a crisis. But it really doesn't work this way. People who are truly interested in you will care about the small stuff and the big stuff. They will want to know who you are and will do their best to support you. Maybe you could test your T by trying to figure out if he wants to understand you. Does he pay attention when you talk? You could ask him what he knows about you so far, maybe that way you'll know if he's paying attention.

Yes, I do get that. When I re-read my own posts, all I could think was "Munchausen much?" But then I close my web browser and it doesn't seem like a bad idea anymore.

I like what blur said.

Trust goes two ways. When you lie and manipulate someone into getting the reaction that you want, they're going to be hurt. Even a T, but hopefully the T is a good enough T that they would not show you that reaction (which, honestly, I think that could be harmful as it would reinforce this behaviour to you..). You would be showing your T that you are an untrustworthy client.

Some Ts might even terminate over that sort of behaviour. Which, in a way, is what I guess you're trying to find out - if they'll stick with you through anything. But what's really happening is that you'll just be throwing out a lot of good potential, because many people will stay through all of the rough times, but draw the line at being manipulated because that isn't even being respectful to them. The ones that would stay would either 1) be unaware of the fact that they're being manipulated or 2) decide that your first priority will be to work on ending your manipulating behaviours.

If what you want to work on is to no longer be manipulative and controlling, then it would be a lot easier to just tell them that! And if it's not what you want to work on or if you feel like you only act like this in therapy, then it's just going to distract the T from the other things that you want help with.

I think you should really examine why you are doing this. I couldn't drink hydrogen peroxide to save my life, I'd throw up before it touched my lips. What's more throwing up in session couldn't have been useful in any way that I can think of. It sounds like the kind of thing a very depressed and desperate person would think of.

If you keep being deceptive your T will know, she will have a gut feeling about it on some level and it will keep you from getting very close. Also, this kind of behavior drives people away. Now you have to keep up these huge lies, or risk telling your T and then they might wonder if anything you said was true.

I worries me, please talk to your T about this.