Couldn't even handle a phone call with my therapist...

I have a hard enough time talking in sessions, but I feel this is my brain taking it too far.

My therapist rang me while I was in college and said that prior to what I had written for her in yesterday's session, she was going to refer me to another counselling service (I finish with her next Monday). What did I do? I dropped the freakin phone.
Then I tried ringing her back, and her receptionist said she'd ring back in 10 minutes. She rang back, and again, what did I do? I stayed silent for about 2 minutes before she hung up thinking I wasn't there.

Eventually we both got each on the phone at the same time, and I had a hard time spitting out what I wanted to say. I desperately wanted to tell her what an incredibly hard time I'm going through right now, and how I'm in a massive crisis, but no, my head wouldn't let me. We ended the conversation, and now I feel like utter **** and I'm crying my eyes out and wishing I could call her. But she isn't at work for the rest of the week

I hate myself for how that whole ordeal went, and I don't know how I'm going to cope on Monday.

I'm sorry. That sounds super painful and frustrating.

Could you type a message to her saying exactly this?

"I desperately want to tell you what an incredibly hard time I'm going through right now, and how I'm in a massive crisis, but my head won't let me get the words out. I'm sorry. Can you help me?"

Does she have an email? Perhaps you can email her, it might be easier for you!

I could e-mail her, but I'm scared to; I'm scared she won't reply and her line manager will call me (I don't want to speak to her line manager)...

As I said before, I'm scared to email her because I'm scared she won't reply and her line manager will call me, and I don't want to speak to her...

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time.
I would encourage you to treat yourself gently as it sounds like you were caught off guard with the call, and overwhelmed or having an inner battle of getting out what you wanted to say. It's too bad she's out for the rest of the week as that leaves it up in the air and you alone with it until u see her mon.... Do u have any other supports other than PC. If you're seeing her Monday on the one hand u have time to maybe write out what you want to talk about.. Just a suggestion... Hope you find a way to take care of yourself today.

Really, as terrifying as it is, I think it's absolutely essential that you email her.

If she doesn't reply, she would have at least read it and understand what you were trying to say. If he line manager calls up, see what she has to say first, sometimes they are quite busy and need the extra help to get to everyone. She might have a message to really on etc. You don't have to say much or anything. Just grunt and groan to know that you're still there!

Don't worry about not getting a reply. I use to do that and I realized that it was making everything much worse than it had to be!

I agree.

Type it up or copy / paste. Position your finger over the mouse, and position the mouse over the send button.

Close your eyes and click send.

The WORST that can happen is that the manager calls you and you ignore it. And that you regret it instantly but also feel slightly relieved. And that she doesn't get back to you.

But, she's not going to get back to you anyway. So if she doesn't respond, it will be painful but given the pain you are in, it shouldn't be too much extra pain.

The best that could happen is that your T understands what's going on with you and even reaches out or replies!!

What would I say in an email though?

I agree with Hazelgirl. You could also call a crisis hotline and speak to someone anonymously. May. Angels surround You.

Just don't worry! If she doesn't reply she could have gotten distracted and forgot! It happens! But don't be scared to send an email ever! She will read it!

What you want to verbally say to her but can't! Explain your feelings!

That's a good idea too!

Would you say this would be okay to send to her?

I'm incredibly sorry, this is crossing a boundary, but I couldn't not say this and have it swimming around in my head until Monday.

If you don't reply, I'm fine with it, because I'm not expecting a reply at all.

I would've said this on the phone, and I'm not quite sure why I didn't.

I don't know how I'm going to cope, or even survive until Monday. I've tried everything, but it won't go away. I'm going through a desperately hard time, and I'm in a crisis, and I'm worrying about how you'll react to this email and what you'll do, if anything. I don't even know if I'll press send. I do know that it'll be a miracle if I do, and I will have ignored the voice long enough to be in control.
I'm so torn up about what happened yesterday and the week before; I knew it was my last chance to correct my mistakes, change the past, and talk. And the fact that I didn't, and that even though I'd been given a second chance to change how an event ends and I still didn't change it, kills me.

Normally I wouldn't dream of sending you an email, but for me, the fact that I'm even writing this makes me realise how desperate I am right now. And I am truly very sorry for this. If there was a way I could manage this on my own, I'd do it. This is my last resort. I'm not expecting a reply, so don't worry if you don't see this within a certain time.

I am so sorry.

I think that this is a lovely letter and that you did a great job getting your thoughts down. This will help the T to help you!

I would get rid of the lines saying that you don't expect a reply. I've done that and regretted it. Please don't say that you are not expecting a reply, when in fact you are probably hoping for one.

You're bracing yourself for no reply but you don't have to SAY that to the T.

Instead say, "Please reply even with a few words to let me know that you got this. Please do reply. I need to hear from you."

That's the only thing I would change. Go for it. You can do it!

Send it! You can do this!

I took your advice and changed the email accordingly.
I've sent it
I know I'll obsess over it until she replies (if she ever does) but I hope I can make it through. I do physically feel like a weights been lifted off my chest
Thank you

I've sent it!!!
I'm scared now that I've sent it I hope things don't go downhill from here
Thank you for your support

Everything will be ok! It's just an email!

Yay! I'm so glad! It will be okay.

Great that you've sent it! I'm glad now maybe you could keep yourself busy with watching tv or doing something nice? I hate waiting for respones...

I'm so proud of you! I really hope you get a response!

Thank you so much! And thank you also to someone321 and HazelGirl, and a few others too, for helping me through this; I know some of you have posted on my previous threads, so it means a lot
I'm starting to regret emailing her, because on the phone she said if I needed someone, I should call her office and ask for J, but I really don't want to talk to J... I have a feeling she'll have a go for emailing her instead of calling J...
She hasn't replied, but I wasn't expecting her too yet. I'll be very surprised if she replies at all, considering she's off work for the week and she admitted that she doesn't check her email regularly... I hope this doesn't spiral into something worse..

Hang in there. It's hard, but you will get through this.