Are they all so persistent in trying to get you to come back?

I'm so surprised after that lonnnng and then direct PS (as recommended I write by y'all fine forum peeps)...I got this today!

Okay, so do they constantly try to get you to come back? I got this today

to me:

Well, I do appreciate your honesty, and what you say makes sense. If it's too distracting, it's too distracting. Here are the options I can see; let me know if any appeal to you or if you have any other ideas. I want you to know that whatever you choose I'll be available in the future if you change your mind or need anything.

1) Though you've already declined this, the offer to talk and make adjustments still stands if you want to try it in the future. I imagine there's some connection between your experience with me and the things we've talked about.
2) We could meet one last time to wrap up, say goodbye, and find you a therapist to refer to.
3) We could not meet one last time, and I can help you find another therapist via email.
4) We could do none of those things.

Let me know,
T

So like...is that NORMAL? I'd think after my last email that would have been it??/ Why is he being so damn persistent? He can't need my money THAT badly.

Very normal. He's not being persistent, he's being ethical.

That is typical for the profession. The issues you've had are very common and common opinion (not the only opinion, certainly) is that to some extent they'll follow you and represent things it's better to work through directly and sooner than later. I think he alludes to this with the first option. Finding the courage to communicate all the issues you've presented here to him directly and try to work them through could be an incredibly empowering thing for you. I wish you much success whatever you choose.

Well here's the thing. I met with a new T today and I realllly like her! She's wonderful! I felt no nerves whatsoever being around her, she's incredibly different in style and much more dynamic. I felt more give and take instantly and there was no discomfort, she was easy to open up to, and talk to, even about my former T, with whom she made no bones about the fact, that my instincts about something being afoot, were to be trusted. She made some observations that were like being smacked in the face they were so....well they should have been so right under my nose. I like her, and I want her to be my new T.

Of course you do, because you're running from the old T and you have no history with the potential new T. So part of the experience is due to her not having any relationship baggage with you, like you do with the T who you've been working through issues with.

That's not to say you couldn't work well with her. Perhaps she's a better fit, but just keep in mind one of the factors is the powerful honeymoon period of new relationships, rebounds, etc.

I quit the first one I ever saw and we became friends. I quit the second one by telling her I was quitting. She said "you can't just quit" I said "Yes, I can" left and neither of us contacted the other again.
With the two I see now, I doubt they would contact me after I told them I quit. I have instructed both of them not to do so.
Frankly it would piss me off if the therapist kept contacting me. It seems like he needs the last word.
I think it is important to remember the client does not need to take care of the therapist, or "give them a chance" to do anything the client does not want. The therapist's problems are not those of the client.
I personally would not go pay to make the therapist feel better.

I think I would tell your old T that you have already found a new T that works for you. As long as you don't repeat this getting close and then running away pattern again with your new T, then that should be fine.

However, your old T seemed to indicate that this wasn't something you had told him previously. Did you not give him a chance to help you understand? If not, that's very unfortunate and you need to give him at least a little bit of a chance.

Leah,

There is of course truth in what you say, but I have to be honest, one of the reasons I found myself opening up to her instantly and found it so easy, is...SHE TALKS MORE. I know, this sounds...so damn stupid, but like...there was a CONVERSATION today. She also really forced me instantly to SEE things....she was instantaneous. She is also...a different style of therapist. She is Cognitive Behavior. My former was Psychodynamic. Maybe I'm better with CB? All I know was that the hour felt wonderful, and I felt....ease there. She also has a really awesome rug, it's gorgeous. Yes that was shallow, but I love me a good hippie exotic rug, and the room felt like a room I'd appoint myself. It was lovely, rich colors, and plants! It was...an alive place, does that make...sense?

Plus, she came out to get me with this big *** smile, and instantly shook my hand and welcomed me in, and offered me TEA! My OLD T NEVER OFFERED ME ANYTHING! The room in my old T's office felt academic. This felt relaxing. The minute we began to speak, it was just....EASIER. I told this T more on day one, than I EVER told for my former T on day one. In fact I revealed things today I never was ABLE to reveal to my old T. I never felt embarrassed, or awkward. I felt.....safe there.

I see a lot of people writing to me with really strong feelings bout going back to see the old T, and for those who write me saying it would be good for me....I have to still contemplate this, I frankly think this would be pouring salt in a wound. For those who say it's not "fair to the T..." or "not giving my T a chance." My T, is a paid employee. Whether he "deserves a chance" or not...is not the issue.

He's not being ethical. Benevolent perhaps at a stretch, but ethical? No. In fact most people here led me to believe that once you say your'e done, they leave you be.

Offering a termination session is extremely common, an industry standard I'd say. Letting the client have the option to continue also makes perfect sense. I thought you mentioned the therapists you'd spoke to had also mentioned wanting you to do a termination session for closure. Maybe something to bring up with an objective professional (not a potential new therapist who is invested in gaining you as a client) to get an experienced therapist's perspective if you're unsure.

I think he reached out based on the difficulties expressed in your prior email and his awareness of your issues.

If you tell him not to contact you again and he does, that would be a boundary violation. Have you done that? I suggest you do if you're truly done with him.

P.S. If you're suggesting that he just wants you because of erotic transference though, since you mention he should have taken the hint you were done and doesn't need the money, well, clearly you're best to leave it all be, but you posted here asking if it was normal.... and it basically is, of course, we only have the information you give us.

Well considering I told him I basically thought "adjustments" were futile, and that I thought it best to find a new therapist, how much more...plainly..could I have put that?

That is not plain, haha, though I understand why you think that.

Plain is "I am terminating our therapy. Please do not contact me again."

If you do that, and he tries to convince you to return, that will be a crystal clear boundary violation.

In my opinion only, I believe if you get rid of the word "Think" in your final decisions there is no room for ambiguity. I tell my teenager and my school kids a final decision does not end in the thinking phase. You leave yourself open to misinterpretation.

I wish you well — what ever Desion you make.

I understand why you might feel he is not being ethical, but he does recognize that you have the choice to do none of the other options he offers, number 4. Offering a closure session is being ethical. He sounds like he does have your best interest at heart, but it sounds like you have moved on to the new T. If you truly do not want to see him again for any kind of closure just tell him so clearly. I think that should be enough to get your point across.

I might be wrong, but I have followed your posts and it seemed like only 1 or 2 people here said it would have been normal for a T not to respond at all (or minimally respond) to a client telling a T s/he wanted to quit.

Your Ts e-mail response was ethical and seemed totally appropriate for your situation. Especially in response to your email that seemed like you hadn't made your mind up (if I quit) and where you seemed emotionally distraught, in addition to quitting through email rather than during a session.

I would have thought less of him had he not sent that reply to you and was glad that he did. From what you've written about him in the past, I was pretty certain that he was going to do this out of therapeutic concern. Imagine how cruel it would have seemed had he not replied.

I think it's wonderful he's reached out to you and I have a hard time understanding why this bothers you. Does it make you uncomfortable that someone cares for your well-being? That he wants to terminate under the best circumstances, thinking about your long-term psyche as you return to these memories in the future? Just something to think about....

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747 using Tapatalk

Unless there were calls and other emails to you that you chose not to post, I'm just not seeing how he is constantly trying to get you to come back, nor am I seeing him as being so persistent. Consistent, yes. Caring, yes. Responsive, yes. Reassuring, yes.

This might have the same roots as the other situation where people here thought there was a possibility that you may have mistaken his demeanor and communication style as flirting. What did your new T say about this, if anything?

I actually think he is a good T for you, although the way he does therapy would be too intense for your liking. It doesn't matter what I think either way, but I just wanted to say it. People can experience dramatic change from the most intense therapies.

p.s. no science experiments sought here

I'll really annoy you with this, but I bet if you emailed him back just "4" you would never hear from him again. He is just doing all the things therapists are taught to do in this scenario, offer to discuss the problem (which is what you wanted originally?), offer to help you find someone else, offer to say goodbye (because for most clients simply ignoring them like the relationship was just a paycheck would be painful).

I read the last email you sent and it was ambiguous to me whether you had decided or were brooding over the decision. I bet if you say "I don't ever want to see you again, please don't contact me" he will respect that.

I remember in your other post you said the male therapist had effected some good changes in your life as far as substance use or something, so that made me think he's a good therapist for you. But the new therapist sounds good too.

One thought is, you don't necessarily have to make a decision right away. You could try either or both for a bit.

I hate to be blunt but I had to register on this site just to respond to this. I've been following your posts. You seem like an intelligent women. Believe me when I say you are not seeing this situation clearly.

Therapists offer a termination session. It is SOP.

I know you're bothered by your feelings for your therapist and TRUST me I know how confusing/distressing it is, but if you have decided to leave, then own it and move on.

I don't read his two responses as "constantly trying to get you to come back." I saw his first email response as a very thoughtful one, a direct response to yours. This one, another direct response to your 2nd/3rd emails. I read what you sent him and it read like you were feeling really conflicted and confused. To me, it was not definitive it was ambiguous.

I don't see his response as persistent, I see it as concern about your well being. Clearly, something about the dynamics of your relationship has triggered you. First you were feeling great and now, at times, you feel like a 13 yr old girl. Again, I imagine he sees value in working through those issues with you and making adjustments, as needed.

In order to heal, a person can't go around it...they must go THROUGH it!

Your new T sounds wonderful, too! More than likely, you will benefit from whichever T you ultimately decide but I suspect in extremely different ways!

Yeah...I'm......gonna think this over a bit. I definitely want to see the new T on the regular, I just figured, it might be a nice thing to do to minimally say goodbye and say thank you.

This may be completely horrible advice (check me everyone if so), but what about seeing both at the same time if you can afford it? You'll be able to get a better feel for the new T (who you may honestly have better chemistry with), without losing the support of old T? Then decide in a month? I wouldn't tell either what you're doing.

But I don't think old T is being overly persistent - he sounds like he cares!! I would like to think my T wouldn't let me go without a fight.

Please...everyone don't laugh at me with what I'm about to say. I just burst into tears. He wrote me back again only this...

Alright, me. I'll await your decision.

It is the only time since I started therapy, that he hasn't addressed me with a colon next to my name. And I started to cry.

The way out is through: a truism I and my therapist share.
I've read all your posts, and my sense is that there is a much more peaceful state of mind for you waiting on the other side of your transference with your therapist.
Through is not an easy or smooth road. I've definitely cried over misunderstandings with my therapist, over the fear that I would not get what I needed from her, over the fear of a relationship going wrong.
We all have limits, so if yours is that you are not able or willing to bear the pain of this therapeutic relationship, then you can certainly do work elsewhere, there is no one road to healing in my experience.

I just sense so much pain and confusion, and projection, that I would hope you would be able to resolve it with him and ease your suffering.

Best wishes whatever you do!