Can't stop perseverating on this, so here I am. After working with my t for 2 years we had a final session in late October. It was exactly what I'd hoped for in a final session, closed out I felt our 2 years of working together on my "stuff" and I have made some really positive changes in myself/my life with her help. She left the door open for me should I need/want an appointment in the future. So fast forward and as some of you know my dad passed away shortly before Christmas and she was the first person I wanted to talk to after I found out. So I called her and we talked for about 10 minutes and it really helped me get my head back on straight and be able to handle not immediately going to be with my family (who live partway across the country.) I was dealing with my grief and being with my family etc etc etc and thought well I'm going to make it w/out calling t again. But she sends one email checking up on my well being after losing my dad and I started missing her and despite not wanting to, I called her again, and have had 4 appointments again since the new year. Something is different though. It's not therapy anymore. It's some twisted kind of transference is my guess. I feel like I'm under some kind of spell or something, like I can't NOT schedule "one more" appointment. So we have one scheduled for later this month and I want to cancel it by sending her a letter explaining this mess I find myself in relating to her and that I need to cancel our appointment and let her go for reals this time. On one hand I feel like that's the only way I can do this, because if we TALK again, I'll be sucked into another appointment when I do not want to be. But then on the other hand I feel guilty wanting to do it in a letter, because before this current weird transference or whatever it is, we had a very good, healing therapy relationship. I just don't understand what has changed in how I'm reacting. My husband says that every time I have talked to her recently I mope around for days. I never did that before. I'm so confused. I wish I'd never called her at all since October. I'm just trying to figure out in my mind whether or not I should send her a letter, or "woman up" and keep the appointment and just read her the letter?! Agh. Sorry this is so long and rambling. I'm going round in circles over this.

[HazelGirl]

Maybe you can send her a letter explaining the above, and then have that one last appointment and tell her not to allow you to schedule another appointment?

[feralkittymom]

I'm not sure which outcome you really want, but it feels like if addressing this over the phone is so hard, it's because work isn't done. I'm not saying previous work is unfinished, but rather that some new work is afoot. What is your connection to her stirring up for you? Is it about missing or regretting something from the past, something left unfulfilled, or a new need that hasn't revealed itself yet? Can you explore what connection you want (if any) with her going forward? Perhaps you want the feeling of connection, but don't really want more therapy? Yet also feeling a little afraid of closing the door on the therapeutic relationship, in favor of some as yet unknown connection?

good questions feral.... very good questions.... thank you....

[CantExplain]

Greetings from a fellow perseverator!

What did you decide to do?

Artemis
Are you scared of becoming attached or needing her again? Maybe it might be a good idea to keep the appt and talk about your reactions and how you are pulling away from her this time!
It seems to quite a strong reaction and a strong resistance. Did something come up in your last session with her? Something that maybe touched a nerve and made you want to run for the hills?

Feral, still thinking over what you said, some very thought-provoking questions.

CE my fellow perseverator lol, I'm leaning towards keeping the appointment and reading her one of the letters I've already written.

Hazel I really don't know what she would say if I said "don't let me schedule another appointment". I think she would say she didn't understand.... not in her vocabulary... lol

monalisasmile omg you are right - something did come up last time - and i hadn't even remembered it until now. jeez. talk about conveniently forgetting.

Thank you all. I have decided I will be keeping my appointment. You are all so wise!!