negative transference

there have been so many threads started about maternal transference with ones therapist. the need for the therapist to fill that void left from a negligent ,abusive mother. to be caring, reassuring . this seems to hurt so many on a deep level. I tend to find it hard to understand and triggering at best

I seem to suffer from the opposite situation. what do you do with the negative transference. the inability to fully trust your T because you mostly see the world through very tainted eyes. the pain of just knowing that this T you are suppose to trust has the intention to hurt you in any way possible if allowed. that T is no different then anyone from your past. I mostly don't look for reassurance, as I would not believe it and look at it as some sort of trickery. sometimes when I am able to look in her eyes I see pure hatred. the fear that if she touches me I swear it will burn my skin. in her mannerisms I see all the people who have hurt me. when I walk in her office and sit in that horrible chair in the corner. i see her as treating me the same as the mother has . that sometimes sitting in that room it oozes with horrible emotions of fear, hatred, anger, and it is all in the face of my T. I cant get away from it. at some points I can see that it isn't her and that this is coming from me .that it isn't real .at least that is what my t tries to tell me. at its worst I cant get away from it.

this doesn't just happen with my T it also happens it also happens in other parts of my life. in my friendships. in my ability to build friendships and trust them . it is so darn hard . I so wish I had answers to how to get away from this .it hurts a lot. anyone know what im talking about? am I making any sense.

That's where my sort of transference is too. I don't look or hope for someone better - I tend to assume that everyone I meet is going to be like all the other people I've met. As in, I am never going to be able to meet expectations and once they know the real, flawed me that I will be rejected. That no matter what I do, it will never ever be enough. That I am never worth someone's time, especially if I'm not giving them whatever it is that they want from me.

Hmm. .I'm not sure where I lie....I WANT my T to be that loving accepting nurturing person. . .but I am convinced there is something so wrong with me that no one will ever love accept or nurture me...so rather than being needy/clingy I am very avoidant...waiting for the moment when she sees what I really am..I certainly don't think she hates me...but I think the real me is so repulsive that when it comes through. ..well no matter how kind and good a person she is she just won't be able to help herself. She'll want me gone. I certainly don't fantasize about her being my mother bc I know that would mean she'd see me for what I really am and never want to see me again. . It's confusing bc I want her affection but believe if I let her close enough to feel cared about then the relationship is doomed anyway

Sent from my SPH-L720 using Tapatalk

((Granite))

Do you find reassurance on PC?

Hi granite, I have some negative transference, going on, I think its what yo might call I,, not as deep as yours, I hope you are able to work through it, it must be painful. My negative transference is about trust, I sit in that chair, and I know she is being nice cause she wants my trust so bad.

she wants that same relationship I had with my t. Once she gets it, I will be entangled in a web. Saying whatever she wants me to say like a good kid.

just like when I was growing up.

Yes, you're absolutely making sense. I get what you're saying.

You're making such progress in being able to see that these feelings are actually transference, and not coming from the T herself. This is huge!!!! I don't think you give yourself enough credit for your grit, your insights and your determination. It's the work of therapy to work through all this stuff.

Sometimes my transference with my T is positive, sometimes it's negative. But what's important is being able to see the reality of where these feelings are coming from. This is the challenge and where I have problems, sorting out the reality from the past mental scripts that I follow without even realizing it.

I think you're making huge progress. It's a tough road - the hardest thing I've ever done. But I think the rewards are worth it, like it's MY LIFE we're talking about!! Hang in there. You're not alone in this struggle.

I have never had the positive attraction of any sort to the therapist. I don't think she hates me - I doubt she thinks one way or the other about me. I have never thought there was any maternal nurturing safeness etc from her.

I completely understand this. Anytime my T has mentioned she is my T and not my mother (because I have projected anger toward my mother, onto her) it makes me cringe. I don't want her to nurture and take care of me or anything of the sort. I actually was overly nurtured by my grandmother growing up, in the most unhealthy way while simultaneously being neglected and abandoned by both parents. So now I am very apprehensive to allow anyone to "nurture" me. I constantly feel as if she is another enemy and her intentions are not any different than those of my past. It does interfere with being able to fully trust her, which makes it hard to open up. I am convinced that in the end she will hurt me tremendously or just walk out and never come back.

I've touched on this topic a little bit with her and she said I have no reason to feel this way toward her because she has "no interest in my life". By this she means that hurting me or abandoning me would not help her to gain anything...something along those lines. It doesn't really change how I feel though.

I guess it's pretty wishy-washy. There are times where I need a hug or for us to sit closer to really feel the support, or even kind words that created optimism, or perhaps a more empathetic understanding. But I do not by any means want this from her in a maternal way.

I'm sorry you find threads on transference to be triggering, granite. I can relate to certain topics being a trigger, topics that are not normally classified as "triggering" in a general sense.

I think I experience a bit of the same, sometimes, although not to the degree you do, and I have not lived through the horrible experiences you have. One time, a year ago or more, I lashed out at T and asked him with a bit of anger why he didn't judge me (because I knew he did, really, he just didn't show it.) He replied "Because I'm not your dad". Now I'm in the middle of a kind of transferential mess where I want T to be a steady positive presence I can trust and rely on - like a parent would ideally be - but, as T pointed out to me only this week, it's as if I keep waiting for him to slap me for saying the wrong thing (as my father did when I was very young.)

I don't understand it, to be honest. I wish I did. Thank you for this thread, granite.

I don't recall Madame T ever said that to me. But maybe she did...

I don't always listen.

I get what you're saying, granite. I went through this for the first 2 years of therapy. I kept thinking, "Why is she being so nice? There simply has to be an ulterior motive." When I would express this, she would ask me why I was judging her based on the actions of others (my mom, a former teacher I had, an ex-boss, etc.). She finally said that enough that it broke through my thick skull. Now, when I'm having difficulty trusting someone, I try not to judge them based on the actions of others. I have to make a conscious choice to do this. I also have to accept that if I choose to trust, I might get hurt. It took a while to get to that place and it's scary...but it's been worth it.

How can we judge anything except in the light of our own experience?

We can't. It's what we choose to do after we see things through our filters.

And also learning to recognize our filters, and when they are distorting reality. Like with granite thinking people are angry with her when they're not. (I don't mean to talk about you like you're not here, granite! ) If we can recognize we're seeing certain things with a skewed view, we can learn to compensate and change our thinking patterns.

At least that's what T tells me .... I'm stilll workin' on it.