[PeeJay]

So, last week I casually asked my T if she attended a particular sports event.

The T said, "I didn't go. I had a selfish client who wanted to meet during that time."

I said, "Well if you really wanted to go to the event, why didn't you just cancel?"

And the T said, "Riiiight. Haha. But if the client had canceled, I would've gone. Did you go?"

And the subject was over.

It was sort of a jokey exchange between us. Because obviously the client wasn't being super selfish by wanting his or her normal mid-day appointment slot. And obviously a T shouldn't cancel just to attend a sports event.

But it really got me thinking. And worrying.

Fast forward to this week. T needs me to change my appointment day. This is the first time this has happened in several months. And it just so happens that I am not free on the day that T requested.

So I was honest and said that we have to skip our meeting this week because I cannot change my normal slot.

Then T said, "Ok let's switch back to your normal time. I can make that work."

I hate this. Is T now going to secretly think I'm being selfish? Should I bring this up? Who wants to talk to a T who is wishing she were somewhere else? Or who wants to inconvenience the T to the point where T might be resentful?

And why would T ask me to switch my appointment and when I couldn't, T said nevermind? Why even ask to begin with? I imagine she might be juggling a few clients and trying to fit in a new client.

I told T that I would meet with her but if she needed to cancel, or if someone else needed the slot, she should just cancel.
The best favor she could do me is to not do me any favors. Period.

I don't like how one-sided the relationship is. And I don't like that I'm going to spill my guts to someone who might be thinking I am selfish.

I'm willing to just stop meeting altogether over this. These questions drive me insane!

Thank you, PC, for your help!

[HazelGirl]

You definitely need to bring this up. As much as it was meant as a joke, it has impacted your trust in her. This is definitely legitimate.

[Elektra_]

hi. first depends on the tone she used, she could be kidding. second she was inappropriate and should know better that this could happen. then, yeah some people are selfish (i would say inflexible) in booking appointments with T, so the person she talked about could really acted that way. now, i think u shouldnt think that way since u have legitimate reasons not to book an appointment for specific day. tc

[Freewilled]

Um...that would totally bug me. I would tell her your concerns. I feel the same way - like don't do me any favors!

[AutumnForest]

Bring this up with her! I think she meant it as a joke, but it depends on the tone. Does she even like sports? haha

As you said yourself, this was a joking exchange and she was just being silly. Can you resist the temptation to make this about her feeling about you? The two just don't together here at all.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by AutumnForest

Bring this up with her! I think she meant it as a joke, but it depends on the tone. Does she even like sports? haha

She and I joke all the time, even about therapy itself. So, I think she thought I could handle that.

And I hate being this sensitive, because I'm not with other people. Just her. She's just different.

She doesn't like sports, but this event was a big deal.

[granite1]

I think for me saying something like that would be a complete deal breaker. it is inappropriate to say something like that for the very reason you are struggling right now and this T should have known this .known it was not ok ot even joke about something like that

[unaluna]

Your thread title asks, is this your stuff or a legitimate gripe? I would say - yes! Everything in t is your stuff, and therefore a legitimate gripe. To me, everything that happens in t is like a dream, by definition, like a math problem - you make certain assumptions ahead of time, like EVERYTHING is gonna be interpreted as your stuff! What is significant is the interpretation behind it - what it ultimately means to you, what feelings it brings up. Like a dream, or game. Does a hockey goal actually MEAN anything? Good thread question.

[stopdog]

This is why I don't recommend playing with those people. I would tell her about it.

[tooski]

I think you should talk about it. Don't think in terms of blame or whether you have a legitimate gripe. She said something in a joking way but once you started thinking about it, it started to bug you. So bring it up and be specific. If this happened to me (and a lot of similar things have) it would bug me too. (And it's often happened when T was joking about something.) The words "selfish client" would echo around in my mind. Talking about will give both of you a chance to clear the air and move forward. Just like a real r/s when someone is kidding, but it feels hurtful. You need to say how it made you feel. In a real r/s, the person might basically say Oh you're too sensitive, get over it. But in therapy you can explore WHY certain things upset you.

You have a valid gripe and if she's good T she'll recognize that. Good luck!

[PeeJay]

Ok so my appointment is fast approaching and I'm not sure how to handle this topic.

What do I say?

I feel so silly. I can handle a joke. But, I can't handle the thought that T might be sitting there listening to me tell my deepest thoughts and that T might be wishing she were somewhere else. How do I even say that aloud?

I want to cry and just quit.

I can envision myself saying, "This isn't working for me anymore. You helped me a lot and I'm thankful for that. Please just take me off of your schedule."

I cannot envision myself saying anything else that even remotely describes how I am feeling. I don't even know how to put my feelings into words. Hurt. Scared. Annoyed. And not wanting to appear, "selfish," for wanting an appointment.

[HazelGirl]

Please don't run away. As scary as this is, it's so important to bring it up. Just tell her that although you know she was joking, it bothered you that she said what she did, and then explain why.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Please don't run away. As scary as this is, it's so important to bring it up. Just tell her that although you know she was joking, it bothered you that she said what she did, and then explain why.

Thank you so much for responding!

I can't believe how much emotion this all brings up for me. I feel ridiculous. I appreciate your response.

PeeJay,

I think I'm pretty far along in my therapy journey but this would still have bothered me as well... It just touches on my particular issues... So I would need to talk about it but I would also be very reluctant to because of the very fact that it does touch on sensitive issues for me.... But I can see how it would be a very good basis for bringibg those issues to light and in a very real life way because these issues probably play out in other relationships as well....

Please keep us posted on how it goes.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

PeeJay,

I think I'm pretty far along in my therapy journey but this would still have bothered me as well... It just touches on my particular issues... So I would need to talk about it but I would also be very reluctant to because of the very fact that it does touch on sensitive issues for me.... But I can see how it would be a very good basis for bringibg those issues to light and in a very real life way because these issues probably play out in other relationships as well....

Please keep us posted on how it goes.

Thank you! I appreciate this response.

It probably does play out in other areas, though I'm not sure how.

Also, I like what Hankster and others say that it's all legitimate and all our own stuff.

Another user, Elektra, wrote a quite hurtful comment about how I'm making a huge deal out of nothing. I'm glad that user deleted the comment.

I realized what it is exactly that bothers me. This T has shown that she can act one way but be thinking another thing. There are other instances of this. And it bothers me that you never really know what T is thinking.

And it just seems dishonest to me compared to non-paid relationships. I don't want to have to guess and I don't want to have to figure out if T would rather give my slot to someone else.

My last T wanted me to quit going but never actually communicated this to me. Instead, the T canceled appointments last minute, took longer than a week to get back to me, ignored my emails, and didn't follow up on things as promised. I'm still angry about that. But it was an important lesson. I learned that T's have a side that they hide from their clients.

I've been in therapy less than a year and I've made incredible progress and have discovered a lot. When I first went in, I was crying every day. And now I'm not. I'm not ready to quit but maybe T is thinking, "You need to clear out so I can help someone who really needs it."

I don't want to have to guess about that. T should just say so.

I'm going to ask at my next appointment.

[PeeJay]

We had a horrible rupture at the beginning of session after all of this.

When I showed up, I felt flustered and had trouble talking. T said something to the effect of, "You seem unprepared to meet today and I'm not feeling that well. If you want to, you can go home and I won't charge you for the session."

That was so painful to hear. I felt like she was kicking me out because I wasn't the perfect client. And I felt like she wanted me to go, but didn't want to have to tell me herself, so she was putting the decision on me.

I almost left but then we worked it out.

I'm still upset. I wrote a long email just saying how I felt and saying that I have no idea how to be an unselfish client. I don't know how ill she is or whether she feels up for a session.

I had a dream where I slept in T's office, on the floor, and T slept along side me. And at one point, she took my hand.

That was comforting.

I think I'll go cry in the corner now.

Sorry to hear that was upsetting to you.

I've had almost the exact situation where not only were we just not in sync, but he was really feeling unwell (which might be why were were not in sync). We decided to call it early and resume the next session when we were both at 100%.

It's okay. It isn't a statement about you. It just happens sometimes. We all have off days.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Sorry to hear that was upsetting to you.

I've had almost the exact situation where not only were we just not in sync, but he was really feeling unwell (which might be why were were not in sync). We decided to call it early and resume the next session when we were both at 100%.

It's okay. It isn't a statement about you. It just happens sometimes. We all have off days.

Thank you!

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one.

How do you trust that it's not about you?

I think that if my last T hadn't abandoned me, I would not be in this state. Logically, I think you are right, though. I will focus on that.

[Leah123]

Goodness! It's like more of the same, isn't it! You worry about her perceptions of you, knowing she thinks some clients are selfish, and then you get to worry about her standards for showing up to session "unprepared" as if therapy was algebra class.

Certainly, some people would be less affected, some more. I would be reacting like you are.

It took a lot of negotiating and honest and painful communication for me to get through moments like this with my therapist, for her to understand how certain comments stung and fed my insecurities. When she did though, she was almost always at the ready with reassurance, caring, a promise of consistent, ongoing support. I really love my therapist.

The way I learned it wasn't about me, or that we could work through our ruptures was to bring them up repeatedly, to explain/express my hurts and not let her off the hook, haha. I didn't pretend I didn't care, I didn't hide, I didn't let it go. And that's where I found safety in the relationship- telling the truth, as many times as I needed, and getting her caring in return. Ruptures kind of like the one you've had, I would bring something like that up a few times, certainly, maybe three or four? Really depends of course on the individual circumstance, but I would be reminded of the rupture in later sessions sometimes, and be sure to bring it up. Over time, all my fears were assuaged. Such a good feeling, I hope you and your t repair things soon.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by Leah123

The way I learned it wasn't about me, or that we could work through our ruptures was to bring them up repeatedly, to explain/express my hurts and not let her off the hook, haha. I didn't pretend I didn't care, I didn't hide, I didn't let it go. And that's where I found safety in the relationship- telling the truth, as many times as I needed, and getting her caring in return. Ruptures kind of like the one you've had, I would bring something like that up a few times, certainly, maybe three or four? Really depends of course on the individual circumstance, but I would be reminded of the rupture in later sessions sometimes, and be sure to bring it up. Over time, all my fears were assuaged. Such a good feeling, I hope you and your t repair things soon.

Oh wow, thank you. This never occurred to me, to bring it up multiple times.

It's funny, I didn't realize that I was tempted to pretend like I didn't care until I read this from you!

Thank you!!!!

Originally Posted by PeeJay

Thank you!

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one.

How do you trust that it's not about you?

I think that if my last T hadn't abandoned me, I would not be in this state. Logically, I think you are right, though. I will focus on that.

If it was about me, my T would be completely direct with me about it. He doesn't work passive-aggressively, nor is he anything but straight with me. So unless he directly tells me it's about me, I can trust it isn't about me.

Did you ever discuss this with your T? If so, how did it go?

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Did you ever discuss this with your T? If so, how did it go?

I haven't had a meeting since the meeting where she told me that I was free to leave if I didn't want to be there.

It sucks because I never asked to leave. I just said that I had a busy day at work and I apologized for appearing rushed. I was going to try to bring up her "selfish client" comment, but then when she told me I was free to go and she wouldn't charge me for the session, I lost my cool.

And then I ended up staying there and we talked about other things as if the big rupture at the beginning hadn't happened.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Please don't run away. As scary as this is, it's so important to bring it up. Just tell her that although you know she was joking, it bothered you that she said what she did, and then explain why.

Over the weekend, this post from you is probably the only thing that kept me from canceling my appointment this week.

I do want to run away.

My best self knows that she thought I needed reassurance that if therapy is too stressful, I don't have to be there. My worst and most paranoid self thinks she was hurt by a terse email I'd sent and she wanted to punish me or teach me that she can take it or leave it either way.

I need reassurance that it's OK to be there, ok to ask for and pay for help.

I also don't like how she threw my payment check in my face. Figuratively, of course. She offered to give it back and said I could go home if I wanted.

I truly do not understand that. Why even have a last-minute cancellation policy and offer me the chance to skirt around it?

[CantExplain]

I would certainly be triggered by the idea that T thought another patient was selfish. Are you judging me like that, T?