Must....not....cave. Will..NOT...CAVE!!!

I gotta say, i did not see that at all. I read a note from an articulate, intelligent, and caring therapist who was able to define the presenting problems simply and clearly. The only other t ive seen reports of on here who could speak similarly has been mouse's. Ts i am totally jealous of! Ie that i dont have for myself. They know the theory and they can apply it to the person sitting in front of them. Doesnt sound like a lot to ask, but i sure havent come across such a creature myself.

Pee Jay, I appreciate all the input, I have to ask, (as I can't...find this in your avatar, or descrip) are you male or female (and I apologize if this question seems daft but there was a really hot actress named PJ Soles once upon a time, and yet I've known men who were like Peter James, or Patrick John, so PJ for short?)

This "intimate in a flirty way" thing you mention, has been the absolute brunt of my transference going from a place of manageability to me leaving, and yet I could never be sure if I was getting the right signal. You should have seen how he used to look at me sometimes in sessions! It was like these eyes.....burning their way into me.

I don't know if you've been following my other threads bout this, but just as with a lot of the other transference sufferers here, you spend a lot of time contemplating "what does this person think of me?"

Now, my T, as with me, is a married man. He's a stone cold fox, and he's very mysterious and he's completely all but the picture of my type, and he's also almost a doppleganger for the boy I lost my virginity to, who then up and went to college and I was left.....pretty much devastated. I was 13. There's...more on that if you just follow my posts.

I'm aware that transference can make you feel like your mind is definitely playing tricks on you. I confessed my transference to my T. Things went DOWNHILL from there.

I don't think my T is a bad person by any stretch, and in all sincerity, I'm wiling to believe the problem is and was largely me, but I always suspected he might have a personal agenda where I was concerned. Now when I confessed my transference, he made it clear bout ethics and boundaries, which I already knew and made sure HE knew, no way would I ever do anything to upset my marriage. I am married to my soul mate. I've been happy as a clam for 10 years with him. He is the light of my life. This is the first time, in 10 years, I thought of another man, in any other way than passing normalcy. It scared me to DEATH.

I got to the point where it no longer mattered to me about this sick thing I had going on where I started to wonder bout what my T thought of me, and I was like ENOUGH. I'm OUT. I've already found a new T. I just didn't realize, that in getting "out" there would be so much discourse.

This is the first time, someone else is pointing out, that which I suspected. Even here with this last discourse, I wasn't sure of anything..outright flirty, not like in sessions where he'd come get me from the lobby not by saying my name but by raising his eyebrows up and down (which admittedly made me laugh, but...), or the long staring...contests...in which I'd completely lose all my confidence and not know what to say and then I'd never talk bout my problems! I never knew if for certain, there was this flirtatious overtone. I thought I was going insane, and that going insane made me want to leave all the more. There's no place in my life for that.

The reason I ask of your gender, is not because I believe that gender has any more or less insight into things, but because I do believe, that perhaps, as someone of the opposite sex, you saw something....unique there, I didn't want you to think I was being sexist by any means.

How did you.....know?

Originally Posted by Mactastic View Post
Who can blame him? Coltrane is witty and honest. I think he liked you and probably looked forward to their sessions.

Hey, don't forget I'm also....absolutely all but a walking punchline here!! LOL!!

Mac thank you, you're very kind, and that made me smile for the first time in 2 hours.

I'm glad you're in a good place now and are ready to move on with your new t. I also thought that email was flirty (ethical but flirtty). I think you were reading him right. Especially after you shared these few emails?? Most would have stopped at one. He wants to carry on a dialogue with you...

Lauliza, I have to say, your avatar is one of my faves. I see that fish, and immediately smile.

And yeah, I mean....look this is hard to.....deal with, in that, I really thought...it was DONE.

You know that old quote Michael Corleone said "just when I think I'm out, they drag me back...?"

It's a little like that. The emotions stir, and suddenly you're like "did I hurt his feelings?" Then you go "no stupid!!"

Haha. She is just so funny, and nothing to do with feelings or psych stuff....just goofy :-)

I don't think he was asking you to "cave"...he was being nice and caring. (And telling you that he will be sending you a bill, so this email was important for both closure and general information purposes.)

Words are just words, and without tone I think a lot can be misread and misinterpreted, thus why emails and texts can possibly be "dangerous." I have to agree with Hankster...I just don't see flirtation on his side either.

is this really going to turn into a debate of "is he or isn't he?" I think that's besides the point at this point?

You sent your (now former) T an email which referenced if you had stayed you were afraid of feeling like he might communicate "get your *** and go".

Imagine this...

T never responds after your last email. You receive an invoice in the mail for his services. You feel even worse than you're feeling now because it's just a bill. No letter. No response. No notice. Just a bill.

How would you feel?

It might seem a bit insensitive. However, there are T's who would respond in this manner. If it occurred, as I described, might you have felt rejected? as the person you described in your last email? as "get your *** and go" ... but don't forget to pay me FIRST?

I really believe your T recognized this and handled this in the best and most appropriate way given his knowledge and experiences with you.

I don't know why I'm getting a bill at all. He gets paid through my insurance company. That said, I think you're all mistaking the fact that I do not question that his email, was ethical, and the "right thing to do."

Thing is, that email could have happened, 2 emails ago. That there have been repetitive emails from him, indicates he's still trying to engage me, or lure me back into therapy with him. He's still trying to have discourse with me. That, is undeniable, and I believe this has more to do, than just "the bill." Anyway, what's done is done.

For me, it's not a YOU vs. HIM. I simply was making an observation that he "may" have responded in email because he worried about your mental state since you wrote you locked yourself out of your house, etc...and he didn't want to create further distress for you.

Whether he is trying to "lure" you back into therapy is not for me to decide.
One thing is certain, you don't trust him.

So. Trust your instinct.

It's totally beyond the point as far as this therapy goes. It may be very much the point for your therapy and self-knowledge going forward. But that's entirely for you to decide.

well....he's only ever emailed me. We don't speak by phone.

I don't know why but your strength (but politeness at the same time) makes me smile For me it looks like you know what is the best for you, you knew that it would be very difficult and painful to change the T but you stayed your decision... At the same time you felt a bit guilty for your last "cold" mail and you sent another one to explain more things... For me it looks like you are a bit confused (what wouldn't be surprising at all) but I really hope that after your last e-mail you feel much calmer now and you'll be able to move on knowing that you stopped the therapy with your old T as good as you could... Good luck!

I guess I read the email in the tone that I was predisposed to hear because of Coltrane's previous posts on the dynamic with this T.

Also, the "you in particular," phrasing, and the casual, sweet phrasing around, "Ok, I will say my goodbyes here as well then," just seemed chummy to me. As if there was a chemistry and intimacy.

And the, "I am sorry to see you go; I have enjoyed getting to know you," seemed really sincere.

It's a kind email, and it's kind of sweet, but I perceive chemistry around it.

There's a je ne sais quoi to the e-mail and I pick up on it. Doesn't mean I'm right.

I think what ultimately is important in the light of day, is just to move forward. It was positive for me, in that I know I must continue therapy and dig harder. It was positive for me, for his own personal reasons. Ultimately, though it's ending, it was positive. The end.

The good news is, today i told my t he joined my list of now 3 best ts. He was like, why wasnt i on it before?? I said it was my fault. On rterroni's thread yesterday about hugs, i finally realized what i was thinking when i asked him for a hug at our first meeting. So today t said, "oh - seeing me hug the previous client (a little boy) was like seeing your mother hug your brother. So you said, where is YOUR hug?" I said, "yeah, i was all, YOU dont discriminate, do you??!" I made it all about him, when it was really all about me. All in all, we had a really good session. It started out slow, but it really ended with a bang, so to speak.

Did he hug you too? You also must realize, telling someone they're on the list of three best, is sort of a backhanded compliment. I mean, I'm sure you meant...well but that's like.....ummmmm....ok. It's one thing to say "you're one of my fave three people..." but "one of my fave three t's???" Wait, how many T's, do you HAVE?

i agree it is crazy-making and am wondering if I am going to need a new t to help me extract myself from current t. ugh.

I actually DID consult a different T over it. It helped. My current T is really doing a good job of trying to normalize things for me. I've been able to tell him about my consultation and he didn't freak out one bit.

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I don't know if he's going to answer again, but if he does, stop answering. Better not even to read it. Even better would be to apply an email filter on him so the emails skip your inbox and go straight to trash.

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Hi Do You Trust Me. I assume, this was for me? You know, I was thinking this very thing. I'm assuming you say this because he's trying to lure me back?

That, and it's affecting you really badly. If its over then it's over. 100%. The emails are the last of the cords you need to cut.

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Well fortunately, our last correspondence was on 2/19. Today is the 23rd. So I'm thinking this time we're done. That said, I agree and will definitely take your advice.

Coltran, why do you believe your (former) T is trying to "lure" you back? I am only limited to what you have shared but, from your posts, I didn't get the same impression.

You have used this word a few times. Lure implies temptation with (malicious) intent by using an enticement or reward at the other end. Could this just be "old" stuff playing out in the here and now with your former T? If so, aren't you curious why you "feel" he is trying to lure you?

Then I think LURE is exactly the right term. He's challenging me to come back in those last posts. It's in the guise of a nice farewell, but ultimately he knows that I'd likely respond to being "one down" and the likes (did you read the farewell letter he sent?)

Look, he didn't do anything unethical, he never overstepped his position, but he knows enough about me to know, that "if I'd had that last session" as he so put it...and the way he's putting it...

It's a challenge to come back. And I'm not.