[HazelGirl]

And for some reason, that's so hard for me to accept.

She sees some of my worst, and yet says she thinks of me positively, even while I am basically telling her I believe she is lying. How can someone actually care when they have seen all the badness inside me? I am so messed up and broken, and I am so terrible. I don't trust people or let them get close to me. I am so insecure and annoying and needy. I don't know how to believe or accept that someone truly cares about me and has good motivations and intentions in their interactions with me. I keep waiting for her to quit and to realize that all those things I believe about myself are true. Yet she keeps insisting that she actually enjoys working with me and helping me. How can that be? I am so confused.

[Yearning0723]

First of all HazelGirl, let me reiterate that your T sounds absolutely wonderful.

Other than that...well, that's one of the reasons you're in therapy, right? To not have such a fixed, negative view of yourself and to learn to trust other people?

I think sometimes other people can see stuff in us that we can't see. When we just see the brokenness or the parts that are "messed up," they can see the good that lies beneath that. I think you're a good person, HazelGirl, and I'm glad your T sees that too.

[RFS711]

She enjoys working with you because you are a great person. You definitely help a lot of people on this forum. I know you have helped me a lot!

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

that's one of the reasons you're in therapy, right? To not have such a fixed, negative view of yourself and to learn to trust other people?

True. I just can't see past it sometimes, and the past few days have been really bad. I don't know right now whether I will ever feel differently about myself. It feels impossible to see anything except the bad things.

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I think sometimes other people can see stuff in us that we can't see. When we just see the brokenness or the parts that are "messed up," they can see the good that lies beneath that. I think you're a good person, HazelGirl, and I'm glad your T sees that too.

I don't feel like there's anything underneath that. How can there be? Who I am has been screwed up on a very basic and core level. What is there left except the broken pieces of what was at one point a whole person? I don't feel like I will ever be put back together.

[Rzay4]

You're T sounds like my long term T whom I dearly miss but still talk to. She truly cares for me and must of liked working with me as I put her through a lot.none of her first emails to me is you're worth the wait. Back then I was a confused teenager filled with grief and turmoil. Trust your T and know that you are worth it.

[attitudeadjustment]

You have a lot of courage, I imagine that your therapist is being sincere when she says you are a joy to work with. At the same time, you may not realize that you have a lot of wonderful characteristics and gifts, like being open, and brave. I do not even know you, I am just hopeful that people like myself who are lacking trust and hiding are really just afraid of their own light, it makes me think of a quote that my friend shared with me, and that I have read in the past. Our Greatest Fear —Marianne Williamson
it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

—Marianne Williamson

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by RFS711

She enjoys working with you because you are a great person. You definitely help a lot of people on this forum. I know you have helped me a lot!

Thank you. At least I've helped a few. I feel like maybe I'm being too intrusive on here and speaking too much. I fear that people have become annoyed with me.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Thank you. At least I've helped a few. I feel like maybe I'm being too intrusive on here and speaking too much. I fear that people have become annoyed with me.

Definitely not. I have always appreciated your help on PC. I've always found your post helpful and insightful.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Rzay4

You're T sounds like my long term T whom I dearly miss but still talk to. She truly cares for me and must of liked working with me as I put her through a lot.none of her first emails to me is you're worth the wait. Back then I was a confused teenager filled with grief and turmoil. Trust your T and know that you are worth it.

Your T sounds sweet. Mine is incredibly kind, but that makes me even more afraid and nervous because I am worried that she is doing it on purpose so that she can turn around and hurt me in some way. I am so afraid that's what everyone will end up doing.

[RFS711]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Thank you. At least I've helped a few. I feel like maybe I'm being too intrusive on here and speaking too much. I fear that people have become annoyed with me.

Of course not. You have been very helpful.

[sweepy62]

I agree you have helped me bunches too. You have even called me out lol. She sees what you don't see and therapy will help you with that. Don't sell yourself short. I count on you as we'll as my other supporters here on pc.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Rzay4]

I will never not ever become annoyed at you or anyone else on this forum unless they personally attack me or someone else. You have helped me a lot as well.

HazelGirl you are awesome and I really wish I could give you a hug. A virtual one will do.

[unaluna]

Isnt that funny. My core belief is that i am wonderful, but nobody sees it, nobody ever saw it, nobody ever will see it. But thats just my mothers view - of me, maybe of herself, who knows. But its dumb, right? It doesnt really make sense. It could become a self-fulfilling prophecy, though.

[HazelGirl]

I really just need to stay away from people when I'm feeling this bad, I think. I keep mentally arguing against what each of you are saying. I'm sorry, but I just can't accept it at the moment. Maybe I will come back to this thread tomorrow or in a few days and see it differently.

I keep wanting to be really bad to my T so that she will reject me because I feel like that's what she already will do anyway. I just want to speed up the process with as little pain as possible.

[shezbut]

Has everyone significant in your past ended up pushing you away when you depended on them...or are you talking about 1 or 2 people in particular? Like, other professionals?

One important key that I learned in DBT that applies is this: We cannot control anyone else. We can only control ourselves in this situation occurring right now.
While it is very tempting to apply our past experiences to our world now (and in the future), it is the wrong step to take. Especially since we've lived through such unusual, unhealthy events. We are adults now. We are safe. {I have a bad habit of pushing really kind people away and holding on tightly to abusive relationships. So, I try to remind myself of the fact above as often as possible!}

((((((hugs))))))

[granite1]

hazelgirl you are a wonderful person. sometimes it seems that the hurtful words of our care takers can settle them selves so deep that it is hard to see things any other way at all. I know it makes me feel completely broken. sometimes the more good people say about me the more I feel broken. the more I distrust them. sometimes I will try and take that leap of faith that it might just be how I am seeing things give that person the benefit that they are genuine in how they feel and are allowed to feel the way they do. not an easy thing and it can be oh so so tiring to always have to be questioning everything everyone does and says. but it does help to challenge your thinking when you have the energy.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

And for some reason, that's so hard for me to accept.

She sees some of my worst, and yet says she thinks of me positively, even while I am basically telling her I believe she is lying. How can someone actually care when they have seen all the badness inside me? I am so messed up and broken, and I am so terrible. I don't trust people or let them get close to me. I am so insecure and annoying and needy. I don't know how to believe or accept that someone truly cares about me and has good motivations and intentions in their interactions with me. I keep waiting for her to quit and to realize that all those things I believe about myself are true. Yet she keeps insisting that she actually enjoys working with me and helping me. How can that be? I am so confused.

HazelGirl, look at the equations you are making? What is "bad" about being insecure? You are just insecure! And "terrible?" Look at your inner critic's choice of words, they are really "lame" words! You going to fall for them? Be offended at your inner critic, that it isn't even trying very hard? Define "bad" and "terrible" more exactly! Are you "malicious"? Doubt it. But that's what "bad" really is but your idiot inner critic doesn't have to use that word, you let it get away with the vague "bad". What does "bad" even mean? It is like when you say someone is "nice" Make your inner critic work for its living or go home! Give you one concrete example where you are "bad" or "terrible". So you think your T is lying when she says nice things about you; you are allowed! It's your feelings and thoughts and you can think and feel whatever you think and feel!

Of course, thinking that doesn't really help you does it? So why not think, "it feels like a lie but I think she's telling the truth; why would she lie? I think I will act like it is the truth and just see what happens, see if good things happen or bad things. So, my T enjoys working with me. I hope my T knows what she is doing. I'll assume she does and since she says she enjoys working with me I will assume she's right and I am enjoyable to work with; let me see if I can find evidence of that for myself!"

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Perna

HazelGirl, look at the equations you are making? What is "bad" about being insecure? You are just insecure! And "terrible?" Look at your inner critic's choice of words, they are really "lame" words! You going to fall for them? Be offended at your inner critic, that it isn't even trying very hard? Define "bad" and "terrible" more exactly! Are you "malicious"? Doubt it. But that's what "bad" really is but your idiot inner critic doesn't have to use that word, you let it get away with the vague "bad". What does "bad" even mean? It is like when you say someone is "nice" Make your inner critic work for its living or go home! Give you one concrete example where you are "bad" or "terrible". So you think your T is lying when she says nice things about you; you are allowed! It's your feelings and thoughts and you can think and feel whatever you think and feel!

Times that I'm bad? When I can't control what I am thinking and feeling. When I have flashbacks and believe terrible things about people, like they are capable of hurting me, when they have never acted badly to me in the past. When I refuse to talk about things in session because I can't deal with them at the moment. When I am scared and unable to do the things I should be. When I text my T way more than I should because I am having a really hard time. When I "tell on" my parents and the things they've done despite knowing they wouldn't want me to and would be really angry at me for it. When I don't pretend to be fine and force my T to deal with all the horrible things I'm going through. Is that enough or should I continue? I don't see how anyone would enjoy working with that horrible chaos.

Originally Posted by Perna

Of course, thinking that doesn't really help you does it? So why not think, "it feels like a lie but I think she's telling the truth; why would she lie? I think I will act like it is the truth and just see what happens, see if good things happen or bad things. So, my T enjoys working with me. I hope my T knows what she is doing. I'll assume she does and since she says she enjoys working with me I will assume she's right and I am enjoyable to work with; let me see if I can find evidence of that for myself!"

Evidence that she does enjoy working with me... Well, she keeps showing up. And she hasn't quit yet. She is very honest with me in other ways. She hasn't ever said anything negative about me. She is willing to put in the effort to make me feel secure and safe while I'm in her office. She listens to all the junk I throw at her each week, and somehow remembers detailed facts. She acts like she cares. She has insisted she isn't leaving me or going anywhere. She has offered and given me free sessions if I've needed. She has been very available. She has been patient with me when I have troubles talking about things.

Ugh! Why am I going through this? It's just making me more anxious. What if I'm wrong and she does care? But what if she changes how she treats me when she gets fed up with me? What if she starts to find me annoying? What if I trust her and she leaves? Where does that leave me? Alone and abandoned, yet again.

[AllyIsHopeful]

This is a good thing. seems like you two have a very good relationship. I understand the feeling though. It has everything to do with self worth and confidence.
Maybe mentioning this to your T will open a new conversation and help a bit with these feelings?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[PeeJay]

Hazel,

I really do appreciate your contributions to this forum. You've been very giving with your time and you've personally helped me.

[HazelGirl]

Thank you. I appreciate all your kind words. I'm just dealing with a lot of fears right now.

[RTerroni]

It's really all about trying to make you think positively

[HazelGirl]

My T and I talked some more about this at my appointment today (well, she talked to me because I still can't talk about it out loud). And she basically repeated that she doesn't see me as annoying or as a burden, and that she understands where those feelings are coming from and why I have them. It was sort of helpful, but it's really hard to "take in" what she tells me.

Transference sucks.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

My T and I talked some more about this at my appointment today (well, she talked to me because I still can't talk about it out loud). And she basically repeated that she doesn't see me as annoying or as a burden, and that she understands where those feelings are coming from and why I have them. It was sort of helpful, but it's really hard to "take in" what she tells me.

So you should definitely take something from that.