Keeping therapy a secret

Nobody knows that I am in therapy. I am very close to my family, but I have not told them (and do not plan to). I have not told my husband (I can see myself telling him after I'm done with a vague 'I went to therapy' and leaving it at that). We share a bank account so I always pay in cash so he won't see it hit the account.

Is this unusual? Unhealthy?

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I would hesitate to label this as "healthy" or "unhealthy" on its face. I think you need to examine why you feel the need to keep it a secret. Is it because you're ashamed of it? Is it because you're afraid people wouldn't accept you or would look down upon you? Is it because you don't find it a particularly important thing to share? Only once you've examined your reasons and determined what purpose your secrecy is serving can you decide whether it's good, bad, or neutral.

It's all up to you who you tell, there are certain things that I would be open to doing and not telling my parents (or anyone else) about.

In a Ted talk by Andrew Solomon he told a story of a woman spilling her story of depression to him including the fact that she did not tell her husband because she didn't want to worry him. 20 minutes later her husband stopped him and told him the exact same story

I would try to work out why you haven't told your husband. He should be an integral part of your recovery.

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My family is anti-therapy. They don't get it at all ... they have said things about it being self-indulgent or that it is paying someone to be your friend. Just ignorant of the therapeutic process. The issues I am working through are ones that I have never told them (family or husband) and am not ready to.

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That sounds to me like a good reason not to tell them. Eventually, maybe your therapy would let you confidently articulate the reasons you go to therapy. But you don't have to tell them ever if you don't want. Also the therapist might be able to help figure out about telling them if you ever decide you want.

Another good reason people sometimes don't tell family members is if there is any fear that any of the family members might get angry about it.

I don't think it's particularly healthy to feel the need to keep this type of secret from your husband, however, it is certainly not unheard of. This type of thing is a good indication of needing to be in therapy actually- that you are fearful of those close to you knowing what you're really dealing with, and is something you can work through in therapy, get stronger, and create relationships that support you instead of ones in which you are not comfortable being honest about key things.

I was just talking to a PC friend about this today. Weird!

I'm not married so I don't really know if its healthy to keep it from a husband (because I imagine the best of those relationships are open and if I had something to discuss about a session - a husband would be who one would tell). But, i'm not married and don't have that issue.

I do, however, live with my family and have chosen to keep it a secret from them for many reasons - 1) it would never stay a secret if certain people found out, 2) they already look at me as weak and babyish, 3) they already think of me as 'the crazy one', 4) they may disagree with my choice of T and try to pit me against her {for superficial reasons}, 5) I would probably be discouraged from 'wasting money' on it, and the list goes on.

I did tell my father, mainly because I had some questions in the beginning that needed answering and he was uncomfortable providing me the information. So he knows but he lives ~16 hours away and we never discuss it so it's not big deal.

The awkward part is that my mom is listed as my emergency contact and she doesn't even know that I'm in T to begin with. Anyways, T knows all of this and she told me that 'there's no rule that says you have to tell your family you are in therapy' so I assume it's not unhealthy or unusual at all.

I think it is fine if you are not ready. But I think it would be a good idea look closer at telling your husband simply because he is your husband. Don't do it until you are ready but just saying to look at it. And you could tell him in chunks. Iow, tell him you are going but you are not prepared to tell him why just yet. He may try to get you to if only out of concern but it is important to have a safe space. I have only told my cousin. My immediate family would not get it either. If I had a husband I would say something.

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Really there would be no better judge than you because you've lived countless hours with these people and have your reason for not telling them I'm sure. I don't think it's wrong in a moral sense, you have a right to get help on your own confidentially.

You need to trust your gut feeling, it's usually right. Also, remember that there are no guarantees ever, you will definitely make bad choices and have successes, however so would an internet forum. It's inevitable, so better not to stress too much, just decide and move on confidently .

I actually asked my T whether he thought it was not normal that I don't let my husband know I'm in therapy. He said that it's not abnormal. In his experience it is more common for people to tell their spouse, but there is nothing wrong or inherently unhealthy about not doing it.

My husband knew I went to therapy before, and even though he never knew or asked why I went and never showed any curiosity about what I talked about with the therapist, the fact that he was keeping tabs on me meant that it was much harder for me to open up to the therapist. Now when he doesn't know, therapy is immensely more helpful. This has nothing to do with shame, I'm not ashamed of going to therapy.

So there is no right or wrong or healthy or unhealthy.

Only my husband might know that I am at therapy... Few weeks after I started seeing my previous T, I let my husband know about it (via chat as it was less embarrassing) but I only told him that I started therapy because I am annoyed by myself and I know that I am irritating so I want to become better for me and for him (he doesn't know anything about PTSD and almost anything about csa - I don't want to worry him). He reacted great by asking if my T has more free spots so he could sign up as well and he asked if he can help me anyhow. I said that no and that I just wanted to tell him this because I don't want to hide anything from him.
That was in November so my H doesn't know that I've already changed T to another one... And now I think that my H could have forgotten about it or he thinks that I stopped seeing anyone - this week he said e.g. (half joking of course) "maybe you should see a psychologist who can treat you for your train-trauma" - as I don't like traveling without him and I hate when I have only 5 minutes for changing the train but is it so weird?

Very few people know I see a T. I feel it is personal to me.

I don't want to have to feel like what happens in a session should be told to anyone else. If I could talk about it to other people, I wouldn't need to be there!

I do feel badly for hiding it but not badly enough to tell him.


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I wouldn't keep that information from my husband, but that is the kind of relationship we have. We wouldn't keep those kinds of secrets from each other. We are both in therapy actually. That doesn't at all mean we actually discuss our therapy with each other though. There is a difference between just letting a spouse know you are in therapy and telling the spouse what goes on in therapy. You can do one without the other.

My wife was very open with me when she started therapy and I was happy that she was going, I knew she needed it from the get-go but I wouldn't push her on it until she was ready to go herself. I didn't think of her any less and loved her just the same.

I recently told my parents I am in therapy and they were very supportive, even my dad who is a little more old-school than my mom (they're divorced). Yesterday I told a good friend of mine that I am in therapy and he was also very supportive, it was like a weight off my shoulders not having to keep it a secret anymore, and I figure they'll take me as I am and if not they weren't real friends anyway. Turns out everybody was very non-judgmental. Of course this situation doesn't apply to everyone, just my personal experience.

Good luck

I think you need to do whatever seems right for you. Hopefully at some point you will feel comfortable to at least tell your husband.. Outside of that who needs to know

My husband and children know because my sessions are in the evening so mom going out once a week would be easily noticed...besides 2 of my kids have been in therapy for short periods and know that sometimes we just need professionals to help us through issues. My 2 best friends know as well

Other than that nobody knows...I don't figure they need to know.

Only my husband knows I am doing individual therapy. We do family therapy with our niece and nephew who are twin 16 year olds (we are their legal guardians) but they do not know I am doing individual.

I have not told anyone except for my husband and he is supportive. My parents think therapists are manipulators who destroy lives and make everyone think their childhood was abusive, so I'm unable to share with them. Some of my trauma involves my father too.

Its up to you whether you want to tell people or not. The only people who i have told are my sister and my husband; i never tell them what we talk about.i like therapy to be my private, safe little spot just for me

I haven't told anyone that I'm in therapy. Some people know that my D is getting help but only a few close friends and family know. My family doesn't believe in wasting money on someone just to talk about your problems.

I don't know your relationship with your husband but I trust mine to be my best friend and, knowing he would not understand (mostly because I could not articulate it very well or in a way he might be able to understand) and that it was a lot of money, I told him anyway and simply explained that it was helpful to me and that I felt I needed it (he trusts my judgment, especially about myself) and I asked him, kind of joking, how much he would pay for me to feel better and he instantly replied, "every penny I have. . ." Well worth the conversation if only to get that one worry off my back but to get his loving concern helping support me, even though he had no idea what or why I was "needing" this was priceless, as the commercial says.

One thing I hope I have finally learned in my 63 years is that avoiding the hard stuff doesn't make anything easier?

I feel there's no right or wrong here. Neither healthy nor unhealthy. In some cases, it's more therapeutic, not to tell. For instance, mom and exh, used to ask, so how was it, what did you talk about? At that point, my answer usually was the other. Asked from a naive perception of therapy.
As though, it's some quick fix, in/out and voila, situation handled. Doesn't quite work that way, long term. I found questioning as intrusive, and I've learned from a Psychologist, if there's a negative reaction to therapy, can create backpedaling, in the process.
We do go, for ourselves, our personal growth. It can add a level of rational perspective, when immersed in many an irrational circle.
I can appreciate, the questioning of is this,,not telling healthy, because socially we learn, that we are 'supposed to' reach out to those close to us. Yet, some things,,a little professional help, is in order. Ideally, it would be great to say to those,around us, I'm in therapy, resolving some things, to help me grow. Replied with, still ideally, good for you,,so long as you find it beneficial, I'll support it, and trust and respect, that this will help our relationship.

Alas, it's an imperfect world. Go with your gut.

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When I first went to therapy, I hid it at the beginning, too. I think I was 2 years in before I told someone.

My husband and I get along fine but I don't share emotional things with him well. I have trouble being vulnerable with anyone. I wish we were close enough that I could tell him about it but I am just not at that point.

Therapy feels extremely private to me. I feel so exposed and vulnerable there that I can't imagine telling people about it.

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All I can say is that EVERYONE keeps some secrets to themselves.