[IndestructibleGirl]

Last night I told my therapist (by text) just how terrified I am of crying with her in the room. It's gone beyond a point where I can chill out about it and just think "oh it'll happen if it's meant to happen, doesn't really matter" because I am often on the verge of tears in session and have to work incredibly hard to stay in control until it momentarily subsides. It is exhausting. But I CANNOT abide the thought of losing control and crying/sobbing/bawling my lights out. Instead I bite my lip hard enough to taste blood and dig my (long, so pretty good weapons) nails into the palms of my hands, because the pain quells the emotion and calms me down. My lips hurt pretty much constantly at the minute, which is kind of ridiculous and not normal for me, as in I don't do this out of anxious habit - it's a new thing

I was driven to confess this fear because it suddenly seemed to me like I was self-harming, right there in every appointment, in secret in front of my therapist. Which felt hideous.

In a few hours I have a session. I'm so, so irrationally scared for having admitted this. And horrendously embarrassed. I don't know if I can look her in the eye - and all because of being scared to cry! I just don't understand how I'm this afraid, but I am. I can't think of one single incident where I've cried in front of someone and felt better for it. My mind goes blank.

Ugh I hate being scared like this

What makes you feel brave in your most frightened, difficult moments?

What do you do that helps you feel the fear without shutting down or panicking or whatever your instinctive urge would be??

[Leah123]

Well, what would you like from your therapist that you aren't getting? I believe it is a partnership, creating a space safe enough to cry, and that it was my therapist doing this for me that helped me give in to it. I guess for me the issue wasn't trying to feel brave, the way I remember it, it was more being able to feel safe. Pushing myself to cry or otherwise emote or ignore my security system usually just redoubles my own defenses.

[unaluna]

Well i guess now we know where you got your name from Will it help you to know that a t's office is a pretty safe place to cry? I cant imagine things going bad there. What are you afraid will happen?

Eta right now my lips are really really chapped so i hope you appreciate how brave i had to be to read your post! Now get in there and cry - you owe me one!!

[IndestructibleGirl]

But, she does create a safe space? I feel safe with her - it's not her, it's me! I really don't think there's anything else she can do?

I guess it's like, I wouldn't want to puke in front of anybody either? Or when I'm sick in any way I'd prefer people not to be looking at me too closely?

[IndestructibleGirl]

Haha Hankster you made me laugh!

[Leah123]

Maybe you need to talk with her more about the self-talk you're doing that says crying is a negative. Have you explained everything that stops you and how you stop yourself to her so she could work through that with you?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Haha Hankster you made me laugh!

Oh no thank you - im not usually that aware of my feelings.

[sweepy62]

Im just like you, until my old t told me she was leaving, and asked me how I felt, and I got so angry and IT JUST HAPPENED but angry tears briefly but seamed like an eternity, first time in a long long time. I shut down again, and told the new t not to expect any tears from me, but I have become emotional in new t office, it may sound wierd but I listen to eminem music before I go in, he gets me all rowled up and energized pissy mood like dont u dare cry lol. Hope that helps.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by hankster

What are you afraid will happen?

Originally Posted by Leah123

Maybe you need to talk with her more about the self-talk you're doing that says crying is a negative. Have you explained everything that stops you and how you stop yourself to her so she could work through that with you?

These are really good points for me to think about - thank you.

When I was a kid I don't think crying ever led to anything good like catharsis or being comforted. Just to a reproachful response at best, and being left alone to stew in whatever was wrong and a terrible atmosphere in my house afterwards at worst. Crying was always my own fault for wanting the wrong things.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

These are really good points for me to think about - thank you.

When I was a kid I don't think crying ever led to anything good like catharsis or being comforted. Just to a reproachful response at best, and being left alone to stew in whatever was wrong and a terrible atmosphere in my house afterwards at worst. Crying was always my own fault for wanting the wrong things.

Yeah i get that - i start crying in therapy, but i am so used to having to hold back my tears ("or else") that i usually stop pretty quickly. But i dont have to do the lips or nails thing to stop myself.

[Freewilled]

I have the same problem that I hold back my tears. My T is pretty safe, too. I don't know what else he can do and I've been seeing him a year. I can't make myself cry though. It's like there is a wall up and the more I try to knock it down, the more reinforcements come automatically...

I'm wondering if it's a part of me that is not ok with my T. A part of me trying to protect myself from feeling? It totally sucks, I get that I pinch myself in therapy sometimes but usually to control my anger/anxiety. But I think sadness is underneath them anyways.

I might talk to my T directly about this topic, too. That sounds like a good idea....

[looking4polaris]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

What makes you feel brave in your most frightened, difficult moments?

What do you do that helps you feel the fear without shutting down or panicking or whatever your instinctive urge would be??

Admitting my fear to my T right in the moment it is happening and not having him freak out helps diffuse my fear. If I'm overwhelmed with the urge to run out the door, I start by just saying it and T helps me figure out why (or backs off and makes things feel safer.) Looking far away from him, moving as far away from him as possible or turning my back to him make it easier to speak up. If I get up and move, he knows what I'm up to...it's become our signal.

Looking at my T (which is difficult for me and a rare occurrence) intensifies the feeling I'm trying to ignore, but that can be helpful when I don't know what I'm feeling. I have never been able to cry in therapy, but the times I've been closest to letting go are when I am looking him in the eye. One day, I hope to be able to hold the gaze and let him really see me, tears and all.

I suppose it would have been shorter to say "we play a lot of hide and seek."

Good luck and thanks for the thread.

[willowbrook]

I'm the same. I have a Pdoc who's totally awesome, and who I trust implicitly, but I'm terrified of crying during session. I've not come close to it, I tend to go the opposite extreme and be all matter of fact, like there's nothing really that wrong, even when I'm discussing some pretty hard stuff. Like I could be talking about childhood abuse like I'm reading off a shopping list, or reporting on strange psychotic symptoms like I'm casually mentioning ingredients for a recipe. My Pdoc knows to go by what I say, not by how I'm presenting, but even so the idea that one day something will happen and I'll burst into tears- YIKES!

[Alone & confused]

I had the same idea as Sweepy, I think of a song over & over again in my head. Eminem is a good choice. Sometimes I go with Limp Bizkit - My Way or Break Stuff.

Getting all the yuk out and replacing it with the good provided by your therapist at the moment takes time. The safe place your therapy/therapist provides allows you to start the process. To give a little, then a little more, then maybe a little more, then maybe none on a day or two. It took years to cement itself. So, you be gentle with you. ((((Hugs))))

[Rzay4]

I hate crying entirely. My newest T barely even flinches when I cry which really upsets me. I know every T has a different approach but it really upsets me.

[someone321]

I also do not cry... Never... And I cannot even imagine myself crying in front of my T... Maybe sometimes I would like to do it but at the same moment I feel like every single cell in my body is protesting "no way, dot"... Maybe one day...