[franki_j]

So because it looks like I will be seeing old T sometime in the future, I've been thinking through what to tell her as to why my mental health has gotten so much better.

I do think a lot of the reason why I would cut myself and threatened to kill myself was because I was so attached to her and I wanted her to care. I know that sounds f***ed up, but it's true. When she stopped seeing me, I was left without someone for a month while I completed the assessments deciding whether I was eligible for the DBT study. Then I got my current therapist, with whom I do not have a close relationship at all. I think this allowed me to get some distance from my old T and really see that what I was doing previously was not healthy. I don't feel comfortable discussing this with my current therapist, I kind of figured it out on my own. I think that distance allowed me to be independent and realize that what I was doing was unhealthy. It was also kind of freeing seeing a therapist with whom you don't have a strong bond with. You become more independent and don't obsess over that person.

I really think that this distance was helpful for me. I am scared to tell this to my T when I go back to seeing her because number 1, I sound like a freak. I mean who is so obsessed with someone that they threaten to kill themselves just to make them care? I sound like a crazy ex-girlfriend. (I mean to be fair, there were other things going on in my life, like my horrible job.) I am also scared that she will say that she doesn't think I should do therapy with her because I am too attached to her and she doesn't think it is healthy for me.

What do you guys think? Is what I am saying making sense? And do I tell my old T once I go back to seeing her?

Edit: Part of me does wish I had a stronger bond with my current therapist, since I would have gotten more out of the DBT this way, but oh well...

[HazelGirl]

Are you BPD? It's very common with them, and the DBT skills you learned may be the main contributing factor.

[Asiablue]

I can see why telling her that might backfire, some therapists would take the stance of referring you.

If you've figured it out for yourself, there might not be a need to tell her that. Especially if you don't think you'll respond like that anymore since you've learnt skills in DBT. It might be that she figured out why you were doing it for herself anyway.

I don't think there's any such thing as too much attachment, healthy attachment is always good.

[franki_j]

The study I am in is for people with BPD, although I normally don't act like that, just with my old T. Although when I was younger I would cut myself occasionally. So IDK. And I did have one sort of attempt after I stopped seeing my old T and was with current T that had nothing to do with my feelings for old T. So there have been incidents where I have acted in that way that didn't having anything to do with old T, but it is a trigger for me.

I would be so hurt if old T referred me to someone else if I told her this stuff, especially now that I feel like I am more aware of it and can control it, which is why I think I should tell her, since I would feel like I was hiding an issue from her if I didn't tell her..

It's not fu##### up to want someone to care for you Frankie. It's ok to be attached to your t and to not feel ashamed of it or think it's wrong, what is wrong is that you have have to resort to hurting yourself to get people in your life to care for you! (Hug)
If you decide to tell her it could go either of two ways which you are aware of but before you tell her are you prepared for if she does refer you? I am not saying she will as only she can know that... I hope she doesn't and can see your cry for help!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[franki_j]

Wow all you guys are making me feel like I shouldn't mention it bc of the possibility of her referring me. Another option would be to talk to my current T about it and see what she thinks. I do like her when she shows up to session... Also when I was seeing old T I told her things about my dad and thing that happened to me when I was stripping that I had never told anyone before. I'm not saying that's an excuse but maybe why I feel so strongly towards her, bc she reacted so sympathetically and was so caring towards me. I don't want to rehash these issues with current T but I might bring them up as a way if contextualizing my relationship with my old T...what do you guys think?

[Elektra_]

hi. u mentioned really good points that most arent aware of. is a T job to not allow that the client get to attached to them. thats why there are boundaries. so is good u found this T u have now and u can see was better for u, u became independent which is/should be the main purpose of therapy. so i ask now, why u gonna change Ts?

Originally Posted by franki_j

Wow all you guys are making me feel like I shouldn't mention it bc of the possibility of her referring me. Another option would be to talk to my current T about it and see what she thinks. I do like her when she shows up to session... Also when I was seeing old T I told her things about my dad and thing that happened to me when I was stripping that I had never told anyone before. I'm not saying that's an excuse but maybe why I feel so strongly towards her, bc she reacted so sympathetically and was so caring towards me. I don't want to rehash these issues with current T but I might bring them up as a way if contextualizing my relationship with my old T...what do you guys think?

I always prefer telling, but to be more balanced, you should know that sometimes I am the only one responding to a thread who says to tell....

Yesterday I posted something related to what you said in this thread. I have been seeing a new T for several months after being super attached to former T, who I saw for several years. I wanted to be with him all the time; thought about him all the time. I wouldn't call it unhealthy though. With new T I feel I've consciously put some distance between us but was just questioning if I wanted to do this or not (sorta like you-feeling I can choose to control it or not).

So, I went in and told new T these concerns. I told him it feels like he doesn't care as much about me as former T did, and that's one reason it feels difficult to open up to him more. We talked about my intense attachment with former T and also about other strong attachments with caregiver sorts of people... He said I "worked" really hard this time, and it ended up being a really good session. As a result of opening up, I feel more attached to him and I feel better about our relationship overall. He framed everything in light of the bigger picture of 'my story', and it was really, really helpful. Choosing not to hold back any longer proved to be enriching for me.

My story is different than yours, but I think telling both your new T and old T can be very positive for you and both relationships. Former T will probably enjoy hearing how you've grown and what you have learned. New T might be able to frame things within your story for you like my new T did, and opening up to her about this can help strengthen your bond.

I don't know your history with old T, but if you trust her, than you'd know she wouldn't refer you. Maybe you've gotten better as a result of all your hard work you did with her, rather than it being a case of your attachment being "different". fwiw-that's what I think happened in my case, anyway...

Good luck, and i'd love to hear how things to for you.

[blur]

i don't think it is a matter of too much attachment but rather a healthy or unhealthy attachment. it sounds like your attachment with your old T was not helping you in the long run but the attachment you have with your DBT T is helping. i can see how it is a bit counterintuitive to find that a less intense attachment is better for you but that does seem to be the case for clients with BPD/BPD symptoms. in a way it can be like a relationship addiction. you can never get enough just like with a drug. it might be good to talk with your current T about all this. you might find that you need a new T more like her, if you can't continue with her, rather than to return to your old T. i know that sounds hard, and probably not what you'd want, but it might be better to avoid going back to her if there is a chance it is going to undo all the great progress you've made.

[looking4polaris]

I agree with those who've said it may be healthy vs. unhealthy attachment rather than "too much."

Perhaps you will find you relate to old T differently since the last time. Learning new patterns helps us relate to people in new ways, after all.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by franki_j

Wow all you guys are making me feel like I shouldn't mention it bc of the possibility of her referring me.

Always best to be honest in my opinion, but if you discuss it with T make sure you frame the conversation correctly and don't bring it up in a self-sabotagey kind of way... Do you think it was really the T themselves, or your feelings of helplessness and desperateness in general? My guess is you are projecting on your T. I would think this is just the kind of thing therapy is about addressing.

For some people it can be harmful to be too attached if the attachment prevents them from being honest and doing therapy for their own self-improvement vs some other motive. If you feel like it could be helpful to process with your old T then maybe go for it, and let the T know you want to grow from it so they don't get scared and think you're going to cut yourself to death .

[franki_j]

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for all the responses; I have been very busy and haven't been able to respond but have been reading the responses.

I know a lot of people said that it sounds like the relationship with new T is healthier b/c I have less of an attachment to her. However, a big part of the reason why I have less attachment to her is because she has missed so many sessions. It's not because of the way she does therapy or anything like that, it's just because I have literally had one session this month with her. And also the fact that she told me if I do a phone session with her it will have to be when she's driving b/c that's the only time she can. So I really don't want to continue seeing her after the study is over.

I am pretty much set on going back to my old T once I am able to, but b/c of these responses, I will maybe not tell my old T what I've said here, at least not right away. I want her to know that I won't go back to my old ways before I lay all this stuff on her. I really don't want her to refer me to someone else, and I am scared that if I tell her all this stuff without showing her that I'm better it will scare her off.

And yes, blur, when I was seeing old T it did feel like a drug, like I wanted more and more of her. And to Petra5ed, I think that a big part of the reason why I acted the way I did with old T was that I could tell she cared about me very much and I responded to that. She never did anything unethical or crossed any boundaries, but I knew that she cared very much, which I think prompted all these reactions.

My attachment to t used to be healthy, I didn't know it then of course but now that I am starting to feel like it is NOT, I recognize how it used to be. I'll be talking to her about it in a few days... ugh. what you said franki, about it feeling like a drug? To me I've been feeling lately like I'm under a spell or something every time we talk and my h says I mope around for 2 days after every time and he's getting tired of it. Ugh.