Admitted maternal transference .. scared I ruined everything

About a month ago, I openly told T (well, I wrote it down and gave it to her to read) that I loved her and sometimes I want her to give me a cuddle, kiss me on the forehead and tell me it'll be okay. It was a big step for me, as I've had these feelings for what seems like months and haven't told her.
She admitted she already assumed I loved her and that I needn't be embarrassed by the transference. Last week, I emailed her and basically said that I wanted her to be my mum. I'd avoided telling her that in the past for fear of her saying it was inappropriate and she was going to have to terminate me immediately.

I saw her yesterday, where we discussed what I'd said in the email. I was in tears for most of the session, it's really hard for me to sit with all the transference-y emotions. She likened coming to therapy as a big "reality slap in the face", as it reinforces the knowledge that she isn't my mother and never can be; she's my therapist. And that therapy has strict boundaries that we can't cross (although she said that emailing was stepping over a boundary). She told me that, whenever I want a hug from her, to write what I think she would say on my hand and hold it to my chest/heart and "bring it within". I left therapy feeling really good, probably the best I've felt after a therapy session. But by nighttime, my world was crashing again.

I feel as if she's using the transference to "keep me coming back" to therapy, although she's paid by Medicare. I feel hurt that she hasn't/won't tell me what she thinks/feels about me, even though I know it's unethical and she's not allowed to do so. I've convinced myself she's deliberately trying to hurt me by rejecting me and not giving me the maternal love I so desperately want from her. Again, it's unethical for her to do so.

This probably makes no sense. I'm so scared that by revealing my feelings to her I've shattered the relationship and she's withdrawn completely, and our relationship will become cold and static, with no connection whatsoever. Idk I'm trying to get it all out of my system ... ugh.

She sounds wonderful. I would sit with these feelings for awhile, I think she can really help you work through them. You say you are worried the relationship will become cold and static but I sense the opposite. She seems to have warmed by your feelings and will help you understand them and make USE of them somehow.

For me, maternal transference was both transference and attachment.

I think most Ts would be pretty familiar with parental attachment. Telling your T what she already knows is not going to change anything. Instead, look on it as progress: you now accept the reality of the transference and can look it in the face.

I think if you keep blaming her instead of your parent(s), you will remain stuck. But once you place blame where it needs to go, you can start to move through these emotions and then past them. It's painful, but it's absolutely important you do so.

That's really hard, thanks for sharing. She sounds like a good T.

Some schools of therapy encourage the patient to transfer feelings (such as blame) from parents to the therapist.

To want someone to hug you and kiss you on the forehead and tell you it's ok sounds like trust. I can fake this kind of trust with people when they feel the need to do the physical affection thing, but am most uncomfortable. You sound open and vulnerable and ripe for some big progress. Wish I could trust like this.

Hi Withoutthelove,

I'm goiing through the exact same thing with my t right now, so I understand how awful it feels! I was just starting to face head-on that my hope of ever getting the love I want from my parents is an illusion. Have bee battling depression ever since (about 3 weeks now). I've felt so much like I've needed my t to increase her support during this time, but instead, she is starting to withdraw it. It feels like too much all at once. We've talked it over but there doesn't seem to be any solution except for me to adjust to her new limits. So I genuinely understand the hurt and rejection you are feeling.

I like what your t said though about putting her words on your hand and holding it next to your heart. That's lovely. Maybe the best thing you and I can both do is to grieve what I we can't have (even if it means struggling with the feelings and letting the tears come), and at the same time, try to accept what we DO have from our t's. I don't know any other way to get through it. That's what I'm trying to do. But I know how very hard it is.

Thinking of you,
Peaches

Interesting.

I could see how, to a point, that might be effective in order to get in touch with it. But eventually, you have to acknowledge and realize that the anger, pain, and regret are related to your parents.

I never thought of it that way ... It definitely makes sense! Lightbulb moment
It's difficult to place blame onto my parents as they don't realise exactly how their parenting affected me. For example, my mum has classic narcissistic traits, hence the maternal transference. She's never been the caring, present mother I needed/wanted. And my dad ... he's like a child himself.

Thanks for replying.

I'm sorry your T is withdrawing. I agree with you, allowing myself to grieve for what I can't have sounds somewhat healing, and healthy. She's my first T and this is my first time experiencing this kind of thing, so it's all very overwhelming for me.

I hope things get better for you Peaches.

Trust isn't something I give easily, I've been hurt too many times by people I've been close to in the past. I think I'm holding back from completely trusting by T for fear of abandonment, or getting hurt.
I guess the process of trusting her IS allowing myself to be vulnerable and risking getting hurt.

Unrequited maternal attachment can be agony. I cried for a week.

I wish I could express my feelings through tears, wow that would be so cathartic. I tend to just bottle my feelings up and tear myself apart on the inside. I actually considered self-harming because of my last session with T, but I thought better of it.

I'm sending lots of hugs your way CantExplain.

Yes, that's how successfully working through the transference can result in change...learning new ways of relating to the world and allowing freer, more informed choices unburdened by the past. Acknowledgement and acceptance can be part of the transference process and need not be separate from it.

I don't believe there is anything unethical about what you mentioned in your post. It's just not how your therapist practice. And different is okay. It sounds like you have a good therapist. I like her idea of writing on your hand her presumed response and holding it near your heart. It worked for you, wonderful. Keep at it, and eventually, it will last a long, long time. When my therapist hugged me, it lasted for minutes, then hours...then I could recall it whenever I needed it. I do it for myself now. Kudos for your honesty and bravery about transference! That's a big step.

I read a lot of threads on this forum about transference before I told her.

I've yet to use the "hand hug" technique so I don't know how useful it'll be; whether it will fill the void of wanting an actual, physical hug from my T. Part of it is testing her to see if she cares enough about me to comfort me through a hug, which I know is wrong of me.

She's completely professional in therapy, I can't ever imagine her being unethical.

You have not convinced yourself or you would not have to write this post? Go the "other" direction. You know this is therapy and she is not and cannot be your mother so drop that and look at what you are doing or trying to do with the "convincing myself" bit. Why are you doing that? Go with the healthy part that knows it's therapy and supposed to be helping you instead of picking at the wounds and getting them infected? Stick with what you "know" instead of what you "wish" and practice moving on from there. You cannot ruin everything, you aren't that powerful; your T is still there, still trying to help you, still has a heart, mind, will, body of her own.

I may be wrong, but I think it's cruel and even anti-therapeutic to tell someone new in transference that you(therapist) can never be the parent, never touch, and such hard boundaries. That was back in the times of Freud when transference was considered bad. Now therapists are welcoming it so that the patient can explore and learn all through it. What I've found more tolerable is to be directed to articles or web pages that describe transference. Look up the subject, "Transference" and read. That can both be relieving and facing truths. That way I can accept what I'm able to and gradually understand without being so devastated by hard words like "I will learn to overcome it" or I will "get over it". I'm sure new patients, and some that have been on this awhile, are sure they can never "get over" it. I think it's the therapist's empathic patience and some reading about transference that is the least traumatic and can bring some relief. I don't know why therapists assume that patients can't read...duh.

Hey, withoutthelove.. I really feel you. How you described your parents is EXACTLY how I would describe mine. I spend so many years trying to explain to them what they did to me. But then I realized that they cannot understand; it's not that they don't want to. They just can't. So what you can do to help yourself is accept it with the guidance and support of your T (I know it will take a lot of time and effort) and then forgive them. In Greek, the verb 'forgive' is consisted of two words: it literally means 'being able for two people to coexist separately, without the one being lost/overtaken/merged into the other'.