My new therapist

is decent. I've gone through like a billion of them but this one reminds me of one I had back in the early 00s. I think my biggest concern, which I expressed right away to her, is duration of her stay there. Budget cuts = lower pay = therapists seeking better work opportunities to support their families and whatnot. There is a huge problem with this. In fact, it was one of the things we discussed during the first session. She's been there for 5 years and doesn't plan to go anywhere. I know that isn't really a guarantee but it's a decent start. It takes a lot of time, trust and emotional effort for me to dig underneath my trusty ol' pile of BS and talk to someone about what's really bothering me. Most people are fooled because I talk about the conventional deep things and have a lot to say. They assume that those things are what is bothering me when, really, they're old hat and well-rehearsed. That's the idea. And it works every time, which is sad because somewhere along the way I was hoping to meet someone clever enough to know BS when they hear it and maybe challenge me a little. It's what I won't say that affects me the most. If I'm able to talk about it, then it's not painful enough. If I can't get it to leave my lips no matter how hard I try then it's way too painful and likely what bothers me the most. I hope to talk to her about these and hope I can bring myself to do it. So, if I'm going to work up the nerve to get to the root of the problem then she needs to be there for a few years. Anywho, she is okay so far. Stuff happens, though, so I get it. My last really good therapist had to leave the state in '05 because she had to help her family in Louisiana after Katrina hit. I felt bad for her and wished her luck but the string of 1-3 month therapists I saw after that was irritating because they all kept quitting. I don't like the observation that seeing therapists feels like speed dating; hurry up! Open up right away and do it fast before they quit. Yeah. I don't work that way.

I totally get the above; this is me exactly! My ex-T was excellent at helping me work through some of the deeper issues I have. I see two Ts now (one cognitive-behavioral and the other psychodynamic), and they aren't nearly as good at picking up on my BS (ha). I really hope it goes well for you with this T!

That's really cool. I'm not sure if my new one is cognitive (I suspect she is) or psychodynamic. She seems pretty sharp, though. She gives me the feeling that she's onto something already, and has a plan. I am intimidated by that but in admiration rather than threat. I want to breathe: "Finally!"

To her: "Go ahead. Get up in there (my head) and see what you can do. Just don't mess with that one thing. That is off limits but the rest is yours to do with what you may; whatever it takes to make my mind more compatible with living in this world."

I had to kind of weasel my way around the fact that I am very suicidal and am looking for any opportunity to die. I stated that I was there because I no longer want to feel that way because I don't want to hurt those who depend on me and my loved ones. I agreed that I wouldn't kill myself if they could help me to unlearn cynicism lol. Basically, fix my mind to where I don't want to die.

My first assignment: Forgiveness. I'm a naturally vengeful ***** who reasons that forgiving someone lets them know that there are no consequences for their actions and thus permits them to continue to hurt others. Someone has to be the ***-kicker. Someone has to stop them. The worst part is that I have gotten revenge in some cases and it felt really good and I had no guilt from it. I'm pretty sure it's flawed reasoning. I am prone to that, which is why I never give advice to someone who is homicidal/suicidal.

I also plan to get my hormones tested. My mental illness got 10x worse just before my 30th b-day. My face started breaking out, I wanted it all the time, and my boobs went up 2 cup sizes. I felt like I was going through another puberty. The rage attacks were unbearable. I isolated myself in my room in fear that I would say or do something to hurt my sweet room mate. He's the kind of guy you don't want to yell at because he's just that sweet. I mean, the guy is a freakin' angel.

I'm also writing up a formal long-term goal plan for her. As she says: "I give homework." Been a loooong time since I've been in school but I think I can write up something fancy.