[coltranefanatic]

Sigh.......

Before anyone reads this, I am still going to continue with a new T, but I gotta say, reading letters like this makes it a little hard to do.

I really figured the last email from my T, where I got the whole options thing, the whole come on in please let's adjust this and fix this, or just one more session, blah blah blah, that when I said, "no thanks I'm gonna continue on, I'm gonna say my goodbyes here...." that would have been IT!

But...noooooooo (John Belushi voice).

I got this today, and I had to restrain myself and smoke a joint and then cry and then restrain myself before writing back.

Me:

Ok, I will say my goodbyes here as well then. Of course anyone finds it hard to be vulnerable, but I do recognize from our conversations that you in particular don't want to feel in a "one down" position. My sense is that a lot of the successes in your life have been from this, so it makes sense to respect it.

I am sorry to see you go; I have enjoyed getting to know you. If we had met for a last time, I'd hope I wouldn't communicate "get your **** and go," as if throwing you away, but rather that I wish the best for you and hope that you can find a place where you can feel comfortable to talk about whatever is on your mind as it comes to mind, without fear of rejection.

My door is open if you need anything in the future.

I do need to send you a bill, which I will do when I hear back from the insurance company (I expect to hear in the next week or so).

Take care, be well, rock on.

T.

I had a full blown crying fit. When I'd adequately sedated myself I wrote back, with my bravura not as in tact as I'd like:

T,

Wow! You keep surprising me! I keep thinking I'm never going to hear from you again, and you always prove me wrong! LOL!!

No, seriously, I wasn't really too too happy bout my last email to you, it was cold even for me, with the heart as black as pitch, so if nothing else, I'm sorry if all of this seems dramatic. Then again, I'm a performer.

Obviously, any outstanding payments, I will take care of, send anything to:

I must tip my hat to you sir. You, are a dangerous man. Should psychotherapy ever lose it's appeal, you're a darn good salesman! I should know, takes one to know one. Even now, you're making it very hard to say no to you, which fwiw, I didn't WANT to do, why would I WANT to leave such a cool *** dude behind? Obviously I'd love to come on in, and keep working with you, or minimally say goodbye, I just thought using common sense before I ****ing wrapped my car around a tree next might be prudent. I make very bad decisions, under stress. Like showing up for therapy all faded. No bueno. That cheapens your work and is really unfair to you.

The "get your **** and go," thing, allow me to better illuminate. How do you really say goodbye to someone, who's just gonna sit in a chair, immobile and watch you go? You dig? Do I wave at you from across the chair, with that slight degree more finality in my wave? In the beginning of therapy when the whole system was new to me, I don't even think I noticed that, but it was pretty hard to miss by the end, and it always left me wondering if this was therapeutic style, like I had cooties or something, or worse, you smelled what was going on, likely before I did (psychotherapists are keen peeps), and was like "I ain't going near that with a ten foot pole." I figured even my dentist, sees me out! It always struck me as odd that you'd see me in (with flare I might add), but never see me out, so I just didn't want to walk out of there, feeling like a well paid Hunt's Point Hooker, hilarious considering you are the paid one!

Now, I have absolutely no idea what a "one down" position means, is this is a baseball analogy? I know absolutely nothing about baseball 'cept that batters all adjust their nutsacks, pray to invisible deities, cross themselves, and then all but recite War and Peace before they hit. Besides, I may be from NYC, but there is no way in hell I'd be a Yankees fan, I deplore them like I deplore pain. If The Dodgers had stayed in Bucktown..yes. Mets? Meh.

You are wrong about something, this being the fear of rejection. T, I'm in the ENTERTAINMENT industry. My whole life from the time I conned my family into letting me run away to NYC and join the circus has been rejection. If anything, I'm USED to it so as to be almost NUMB from it. I expect no, before I expect yes, so that's not really apt where I'm concerned. I know what tree you're sniffing around, though.

I'd love to say I enjoyed getting to know you too, but I didn't get to know you. That's therapy for ya! So I'll say this, I enjoyed getting to know your charming blend of erudite and mysterious during therapy. And if you mean what you say about keeping your door open, I just might surprise you and walk back in. If nothing else, you did something crucial for me, in that I now know, that I DO need therapy, and that I'm no longer afraid of the process. That believe me, is a huge victory from where I'd been.

-Me.

Oh what I have I DONE!!!!??????

[Leah123]

Hey, your name and address are there, you might want to edit.

If that is your real name and address you probably should edit it out.

I'm not sure what to say about the rest of it. Therapy is way too confusing for me.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by coltranefanatic

Sigh.......

Before anyone reads this, I am still going to continue with a new T, but I gotta say, reading letters like this makes it a little hard to do.

I really figured the last email from my T, where I got the whole options thing, the whole come on in please let's adjust this and fix this, or just one more session, blah blah blah, that when I said, "no thanks I'm gonna continue on, I'm gonna say my goodbyes here...." that would have been IT!

But...noooooooo (John Belushi voice).

I got this today, and I had to restrain myself and smoke a joint and then cry and then restrain myself before writing back.

Me:

Ok, I will say my goodbyes here as well then. Of course anyone finds it hard to be vulnerable, but I do recognize from our conversations that you in particular don't want to feel in a "one down" position. My sense is that a lot of the successes in your life have been from this, so it makes sense to respect it.

I am sorry to see you go; I have enjoyed getting to know you. If we had met for a last time, I'd hope I wouldn't communicate "get your **** and go," as if throwing you away, but rather that I wish the best for you and hope that you can find a place where you can feel comfortable to talk about whatever is on your mind as it comes to mind, without fear of rejection.

My door is open if you need anything in the future.

I do need to send you a bill, which I will do when I hear back from the insurance company (I expect to hear in the next week or so).

Take care, be well, rock on.

T.

I had a full blown crying fit. When I'd adequately sedated myself I wrote back, with my bravura not as in tact as I'd like:

T,

Wow! You keep surprising me! I keep thinking I'm never going to hear from you again, and you always prove me wrong! LOL!!

No, seriously, I wasn't really too too happy bout my last email to you, it was cold even for me, with the heart as black as pitch, so if nothing else, I'm sorry if all of this seems dramatic. Then again, I'm a performer.

Obviously, any outstanding payments, I will take care of, send anything to:
xxx

I must tip my hat to you sir. You, are a dangerous man. Should psychotherapy ever lose it's appeal, you're a darn good salesman! I should know, takes one to know one. Even now, you're making it very hard to say no to you, which fwiw, I didn't WANT to do, why would I WANT to leave such a cool *** dude behind? Obviously I'd love to come on in, and keep working with you, or minimally say goodbye, I just thought using common sense before I ****ing wrapped my car around a tree next might be prudent. I make very bad decisions, under stress. Like showing up for therapy all faded. No bueno. That cheapens your work and is really unfair to you.

The "get your **** and go," thing, allow me to better illuminate. How do you really say goodbye to someone, who's just gonna sit in a chair, immobile and watch you go? You dig? Do I wave at you from across the chair, with that slight degree more finality in my wave? In the beginning of therapy when the whole system was new to me, I don't even think I noticed that, but it was pretty hard to miss by the end, and it always left me wondering if this was therapeutic style, like I had cooties or something, or worse, you smelled what was going on, likely before I did (psychotherapists are keen peeps), and was like "I ain't going near that with a ten foot pole." I figured even my dentist, sees me out! It always struck me as odd that you'd see me in (with flare I might add), but never see me out, so I just didn't want to walk out of there, feeling like a well paid Hunt's Point Hooker, hilarious considering you are the paid one!

Now, I have absolutely no idea what a "one down" position means, is this is a baseball analogy? I know absolutely nothing about baseball 'cept that batters all adjust their nutsacks, pray to invisible deities, cross themselves, and then all but recite War and Peace before they hit. Besides, I may be from NYC, but there is no way in hell I'd be a Yankees fan, I deplore them like I deplore pain. If The Dodgers had stayed in Bucktown..yes. Mets? Meh.

You are wrong about something, this being the fear of rejection. Scott, I'm in the ENTERTAINMENT industry. My whole life from the time I conned my family into letting me run away to NYC and join the circus has been rejection. If anything, I'm USED to it so as to be almost NUMB from it. I expect no, before I expect yes, so that's not really apt where I'm concerned. I know what tree you're sniffing around, though.

I'd love to say I enjoyed getting to know you too, but I didn't get to know you. That's therapy for ya! So I'll say this, I enjoyed getting to know your charming blend of erudite and mysterious during therapy. And if you mean what you say about keeping your door open, I just might surprise you and walk back in. If nothing else, you did something crucial for me, in that I now know, that I DO need therapy, and that I'm no longer afraid of the process. That believe me, is a huge victory from where I'd been.

-Me.

Oh what I have I DONE!!!!??????

This conversation is so delicious and sexy.

It makes me think you two should date. There's so much CHEMISTRY here.

I think your letter is flirtatious and funny. Kinda YOLO. LOL.

Hey. Life is short.

He's not your T anymore and it's up to him to hold the professional relationship in tact.

Baseball players and nut sacks - BWAHAHAHHAHAHAA - you make me laugh!

[HazelGirl]

I think it does have to do with fear of rejection, in that you couldn't talk because you were so concerned with what he thought. So your fear of being rejected by him kept you quiet.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I think it does have to do with fear of rejection, in that you couldn't talk because you were so concerned with what he thought. So your fear of being rejected by him kept you quiet.

I agree with this. But I also get her point that it would have been awkward as heck.

I can see wanting to avoid that awkwardness altogether. Especially when there's that element of sexual tension between them.

(It's so obvious to me in these letters. Even emanating from the T.)

Like how does she physically say goodbye when all her cells are alert and hyper aware of her body position, tone of voice, everything.

It's ceased to be a therapeutic environment and has become something else.

My opinion only. I could be totally wrong!

[coltranefanatic]

Oh holy shitballs, that's weed for you...

Thank you for those who caught the addy thing. It's gone now. ****!

(i....am.......the worst......stupid......deformed.....idiot).

Hopefully I won't get a bag of steaming turds mailed to me now.

[coltranefanatic]

Originally Posted by PeeJay

This conversation is so delicious and sexy.

It makes me think you two should date. There's so much CHEMISTRY here.

I think your letter is flirtatious and funny. Kinda YOLO. LOL.

Hey. Life is short.

He's not your T anymore and it's up to him to hold the professional relationship in tact.

Baseball players and nut sacks - BWAHAHAHHAHAHAA - you make me laugh!

Well it's true!!!! My first baseball game it seemed like FOREVER before the game would get going!!!

And I am happily very very intensely happily married Mr. Pee Jay. This is why I decided when my transference got to be too much for my T, it was time to GO.

I always suspected.....there was something sexual happening from his end, but could never...be...sure you know? And I just felt like by the end, we were dancing, I was high to handle therapy. You are absolutely right. It ceased to be a therapeutic environment.

My intention was not to flirt, so much as to assuage....how harsh I said goodbye. Oh I don't even know anymore, someone just shoot me.

I feel like Daffy Duck. SHOOT ME NOW! I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOOT ME NOW!

[SeekerOfLife]

Sorry for your pain.

[melania]

Ask him if he would like to meet you outside the therapy. You will understand him better even if you won't meet him.

[coltranefanatic]

Originally Posted by melania

Ask him if he would like to meet you outside the therapy. You will understand him better even if you won't meet him.

No Melania, you DON'T GET IT. I am NOT GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN EVER.

And it hurts like hell but......it must STAND.

[Mactastic]

Originally Posted by melania

Ask him if he would like to meet you outside the therapy. You will understand him better even if you won't meet him.

Coltrane knows better, but Melania, really? No, no, no, no, NO! That is so unethical!

I'm so curious to see what happens here. If he responds I'll be suspect about his ethics.

BTW, I think your T's first name is still in that email....

[coltranefanatic]

Nope, just T, just double checked.

What do you mean if he responds It'll be about his ethics? I would think THIS if NOTHING else would DO IT!!

I don't know why he keeps writing to me. I mean yes I do, he's being nice, or he just doesn't want to lose the money or something.

[melania]

So you would continue texting with him all the time?

[coltranefanatic]

Originally Posted by melania

So you would continue texting with him all the time?

Texting? I never text my former therapist! I've never texted him in my life, nor me. This is email correspondence.

And no. Beyond today, I plan to not do this.

[melania]

Originally Posted by coltranefanatic

Texting? I never text my former therapist! I've never texted him in my life, nor me. This is email correspondence.

And no. Beyond today, I plan to not do this.

Im sorry, I mean- sending emails.

[coltranefanatic]

Unless it's to discuss that bill....no.

And even though I told him someday I might come back? I'm not coming back. This is it.

I am going to see my new T and get help. And stop crying. And stop drinking so much. And stop smoking so much pot. And stop crying.

And remember when I look across the couch at my amazing husband, and the life I have with this gorgeous amazing man, that is all I need in my world.

I know, no matter how strong the feelings, that the feelings I have for the T, aren't real.

[tametc]

Originally Posted by coltranefanatic

I feel like Daffy Duck. SHOOT ME NOW! I DEMAND THAT YOU SHOOT ME NOW!

Sowwy, duck; it's wabbit season now! - Elmer Fudd

But seriously, I have read all of your posts from the beginning, and I look forward to hearing more about your therapy journey with your new T. I was glad to hear that you feel connected to her and able to talk. Wishing you all the best.

[coltranefanatic]

Thanks. I really appreciate it. I feel very weird tonight. very very very very weird.

[Mactastic]

Originally Posted by coltranefanatic

Thanks. I really appreciate it. I feel very weird tonight. very very very very weird.

Define weird?

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[coltranefanatic]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

Define weird?

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Weird like....off center. Just like....I dunno, it's hard to explain. I feel like I did the right thing, I suppose that's all that matters.

It's amazing how seductive the power of the mind and those who know how to work it, can be. I had been sooooo final in my former letter, and sure nuff, he writes me this, and I'm all like "oohh I was mean, I was short and here is all nice and still....somehow trying to get me to come back, and now I feel bad, and then I go..."

BINGO. That's exactly what he wants you to feel. Stay the F away.

I'm also starting to get really embarrassed by how much of my life this stupid **** has taken. It's getting, sad.

[Mactastic]

Therapy is intense for anyone. My own therapy has consumed my life to the point of seeking out a therapist to talk about my therapist. It's crazy-making!

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[coltranefanatic]

Mac, I know. If you recall I have a new one too, but not to talk bout my former T. I'm just gonna move forward.

I don't want to delude myself into thinking my T actually personally....cared or something and that's gonna make me feel...guilty.

Mac, I hope your situation gets better for you. I know how much this sucks.

[PeeJay]

Originally Posted by coltranefanatic

Mac, I know. If you recall I have a new one too, but not to talk bout my former T. I'm just gonna move forward.

I don't want to delude myself into thinking my T actually personally....cared or something and that's gonna make me feel...guilty.

Even if he did care, he wanted to bang.

I'm sorry. I read that email from him. It's so intimate in a flirty way.

Your instincts were 100% spot ON.

[Mactastic]

Who can blame him? Coltrane is witty and honest. I think he liked you and probably looked forward to their sessions.

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