Screwed things up with T because my needs are too big

Here is an excerpt from one article about attachment therapy:

The Therapist as an Attachment Figure

Bowlby believed that intimate attachment to other human beings are the hub around which a person's life revolves (1969). From these intimate attachments a person draws his strength and enjoyment of life. He also believed that one such attachment may be a person's therapist. Bowlby describes the five tasks of attachment informed psychotherapy in his book, A Secure Base (1998). One of those tasks is to explore the relationship with a psychotherapist as an attachment figure. Bowlby believed that the therapist would be viewed as an attachment figure regardless of whether or not the client is aware of this fact. The therapist-client relationship, like the parent-child relationship will manifest the same four characteristics described earlier: proximity maintenance (the client will seek the therapist to discuss problems), separation distress (the client will experience some degree of distress when needing the therapist and the therapist is not available), safe haven (will seek the therapist when needing help in resolving distress), and secure base (will use the therapist as a secure base to explore the inner and outer worlds of her/his life). Like the process of developing attachment that occurs in the child-parent relationship, the developing of the therapeutic relationship will follow a similar process: preattachment, attachment in the making, clear-cut attachment and goal corrected partnership. And like the patterns of attachment that emerged in the stressful Strange Situation Procedure, the natural ruptures and reunions that occur in the psychotherapy are likely to activate the attachment behavioral system. For some individuals who have had particularly untoward experiences in their family of origins, simply walking into the therapist's office is likely to cause anxiety. But in this unusual type of relationship, the client has the opportunity to have these patterns brought to their attention, reappraise their functionality and learn new methods of regulating affect.

Yearning, mine is working from an attachment framework. We talk about attachment a lot. My attachment style, my relationships with significant others in my life, how attachment theory relates to my behaviour etc but more than that, She encourages the attachment to her. She is trying to provide a reparative experience for me. She responds to me kindly and with empathy, she gives me lots of her time where necessary. She has set up a crisis plan, so when i feel really crappy i can contact her and i get extra support either on the phone or extra sessions if necessary. It's all sone within the limitations and boundaries of the therapeutic relationship but she actively wants to support me, she wants me to be attached to her and she's doing some reparenting with me.
It's the first time i've felt safe in therapy because i know she's truly there when the s.hit hits the fan.

Now that I read this post, I thought I'd add, mainly, I don't know, I'm in the same boat as you with wishing I had someone to talk to most the time.
It seems like you enjoy social things more than solitary things. Would just going to a social event where you can interact with new acquaintances help for the short term? I know what you mean about not wanting to risk coming across funny in some relationships, like your mentor relationship, when you feel off kilter. I have trouble reaching out when I'm not doing well, because I know my friends and acquaintances can't necessarily handle my difficulties and I can't hide my moods enough sometimes. Sometimes being around people I just met is easier and it cheers me up and distracts me.

Mine is like Asiablue's. Very available and prioritized attachment and relationships, both to her and to the other people in my life.

Okay, then my therapist is not an attachment therapist, even though we talk a lot about and work with attachment.

The thing is, I know you and a lot of other people on here think I should find a new T. I think that too sometimes, but something is holding me back. I don't know what it is. Maybe that this pattern of worrying whether she's angry at me or how she's going to respond to things feels familiar to me...or maybe that I feel guilty about needing people and sometimes (I think, or maybe just in my mind) she reinforces that, or maybe because she wants me to be independent and I sometimes want that too, or at least, I think it's good for me.

Me being dependent and going to other people in times of need has never worked well for me in the past. And even just being around other people when I'm like this...it will not end well. Listening to my emotions/instincts/desires is a bad move. I.e. feeling like I want to go see mentor figure tomorrow. I know logically it's going to screw things up even more and it would be stupid and wrong. That doesn't mean I won't do it though...although I'm going to try very hard not to.

I don't actually like social things at all; I like having close relationships with people I really like. Being around lots of people makes me nervous, and talking to new people is scary. I have a group I usually go to at my school tomorrow and I'm thinking of skipping it tomorrow because I'm just not up for functioning like a normal person in a group setting. I would much rather have a nice drawn out one on one discussion with my friend or with mentor figure.

But with mentor figure, at least, it's not about feeling off kilter so much as I don't want to do something stupid/impulsive to ruin this relationship further. If I want to salvage it, the best thing to do is to wait until Monday and see her only when I'm calm and in control. If we're having a lovely discussion tomorrow and I just burst out crying for no reason (this has happened with other people in the past) she is going to want to take several very large steps back from me. My needs will be too overwhelming for her too. They are to everyone. Even to me. Especially to me. How could I ask anyone else to take this on?

I think your T is the one who should be best suited to handling your needs. Does your T take several very large steps back from you when you cry?

Not literally...she actually didn't do much at all when I was crying today; she just sort of ignored it and continued talking to me like I wasn't crying at all. Although she backed off about the email and the guilt-tripping (or at least what I was interpreting as guilt-tripping) when I was crying, but that might have been just because she saw how much the situation with my mom was upsetting me. I never cry in front of her.

Obviously I don't expect my mentor figure to handle my needs. I just wish someone, not even her but someone, could sit with me when I'm expressing some really painful emotions, ex. crying. I don't do it a lot, and when I do, it's because I am in so. much. pain. it's unbelievable. I know it's uncomfortable for other people to be around me when I'm like that, but it's 1000x more uncomfortable for me.

My instinct now when I'm feeling like this, other than go to chat with mentor figure or go hang out with my friend or call T, is to call my mother. She would usually be there for me when I'm like this. She wouldn't necessarily be super supportive or give good advice, but she would be there, a solid presence on the other end of the phone.

How messed up is that???

I think you might be onto something there.... about the dynamic between you and your T reminding you of something familiar; like your family dynamic.

That's not good for therapy. You know that. When i got my new therapist, it was like a breath of fresh air. I feel like i'm too much, that i'll overwhelm her and all she keeps saying is that i don't have to worry about her, that she can look after herself and that therapy is about me. She's here for me. And no feeling is too much, every feeling is relevant and needs to be expressed and heard. She tells me she's interested in everything i have to say, she's interested in every thought, feeling, emotion, dream, behaviour etc that i bring into the room, it's all important.
I'm allowed to be angry at her, tell her she's crap, that therapy is crap, etc and that she can take it. She accepts everything i bring.
It's a breath of fresh air to be treated in this way.

This is what you need and deserve. I'm sorry to keep going on about you getting a new therapist but i just don't know what other option there is.

I get that. Maybe I don't know how to go about finding a therapist like that (I mean, how would you know that's what they were going to be like?) or maybe I don't feel like I deserve someone like that or maybe I just for some reason am attached to this one or am scared to start over or something. But for whatever reason, I feel like I'm not ready to start with a new T. So how do I get over that feeling?

Your reticence is probably all of the above. My suggestion would be to look for a psychodynamic therapist, one who specialises in attachment therapy, schema therapies, mine is an art therapist with a psychodynamic approach. Interview a few of them and see who you get a nice vibe from.
I think once you do that, and see the difference you'll be much more comfortable moving. Remember interviewing doesn't mean you need to commit to anything, you could always decide to stay with your T. You don't even have to tell your T that you're looking elsewhere.

Right now the thought of finding a new T is so overwhelming to me...maybe I should sit with it awhile and see if it grows on me...

For right now, though...I just feel like I'm screwing everything up with everyone.

Asiablue, can I ask how much time your therapist actually gives you roughly? Sorry for the hijack!

outside of sessions do u mean or in sessions?

Both I guess, if you're comfortable saying?

I have 1hr 15min session once per week and usually if i phone her cos i'm upset we end up on phone for 30mins- 1 hr. I was having a regular 1hr telephone session on a Saturday to help me get thru the week between sessions but that got stopped last week

Yeah, that is totally not my T...so, fair enough. She describes her approach as "eclectic," which to me is really just talk therapy with some mindfulness stuff thrown in and some CBT/DBT/healing the inner five-year-old stuff. But she is also responsive to my skepticism re. most of that and is good at explaining things to me in cognitive/clinical terms, which I like a lot better than the touchy-feely stuff a lot of therapists do these days...

Maybe you like it better because it helps you avoid your feelings.

Maybe. But I think also, realistically, I'm not going to do things that make me feel stupid (ie inner child stuff) if you don't show me that there is a scientific basis for its efficacy. Whether that's my "protector emotions" (T's favorite phrase) or not is really irrelevant; the fact is, it's what I need. I need a smart T who can match me intellectually but who doesn't let me hide from my emotions with logic. T doesn't like my obsession with logic, but she knows that she needs to explain things rationally for me to do them, so it works for us.

Just on this point - abuse of whatever kind really, really muddies the waters.

If you've had grade 10 lack of care (defining it here as love, empathy and attunement) in the past, then it doesn't mean grade 2 is actually acceptable or useful to you now. Because it seems better than the really bad stuff you endured as a child, it might seem okay. But it really isn't.

I don't see evidence that your T is appropriately caring for you or meeting your needs. She seems to be very rigid in her habits and I can't see how that produces authentic good outcomes with clients who come in with trauma of any kind, ESPECIALLY not attachment injury.

I guess maybe I'm just scared of starting with a new therapist who isn't as boundaried and dealing with the transference that is so strong that I literally can't function without them. This has been the case in the past, where I sabotaged my own treatment so that T would take care of me, because if I was self-sufficient, I wouldn't get that caring response. I don't want a therapeutic relationship with less stringent boundaries to turn into me trying to make T my mother. I know a good T can usually deal with it...but what if she can't?

If I was able to call/email T as much as I wanted, I don't think that would be good for me. And if T would be that perfect person I would want to come and hug me and reassure me when I'm crying...that would not end well, I think.

The bit I bolded is still not your fault. It shows something was gravely wrong. You were trying desperately to get needs met. A good T would set boundaries and not be manipulated by this - especially as you are so honest and self aware, with the right therapist who validated and loved you appropriately you would feel safe enough to tell him/ her and you guys would work it out.

How much do you anticipate calling or emailing the hypothetical T that would be 'wrong'? I'm in touch with my T every day via texts or calls or emails. Sometimes loads of texts. She assures me I am not stepping on her boundaries, and that she would tell me if I was. So there are Ts out there who CAN handle this. And I'm somebody who always prided myself on my independence, but now it's time for me to learn how to rely on others emotionally. To me it sounds like you're in a similar place.

Why do your needs always have to be so wrong? As my therapist told me a while back - sometimes, just sometimes, we find the people out there in the world who do love us and can be there for us. Who can make you realize your needs are human and valid and okay and that you are worthy of love and being cared for. Who will steadily look you in the eye and not leave, and will gradually earn your trust by continuing to be there - because they CAN and they WANT to. Please, please, please find a T like this. You deserve it, Yearning.

For me, many texts/emails a day would feel like relying on a T too much, like I did with former mentor/teacher who promised me that emailing nine times a week was fine and she enjoyed it, until one day she didn’t. I don’t even know whether that would be good for me or not.

Also, sometimes I really don't know if my T actually is withholding or if that's just how it feels to me because of my issues, and it will always feel that way with all Ts if I'm doing it right. I've had five past Ts before, and several of them I never felt attached to but never got much done with, and several I felt too attached to but never got much done with. So this relationship feels like the most effective thus far, and sometimes I feel like what I want isn't good for me, and if it felt good, it wouldn't be therapy and there would be no point in it. Also, I like my T. I don't always like how I feel during or after a session, but I like her.

And on the subject of my mother, I solved this problem ingeniously, I believe. I called her when I knew she was at work and left a message that I love her and I will talk to her later. Thus, I have fulfilled my end of the bargain by calling her back and communicating no hard feelings, and I left it open to talking to her whenever, but I didn't actually have to talk to her and I bought myself some more time as per T's suggestion because she will now be unsure whether "talk to you later" means that she should call me or that I will call her, and she will hopefully be confused enough about this to give me some time to calm down and get my thoughts in order.

The thing is, as evidenced by the previous paragraph, I don't need T, even when I feel like I do. I just want her. A lot. And I know that. So maybe it is in my best interest for her to make me be independent in those moments. How should I know?

Your levels of distress earlier today to me would suggest it's not really working out that well though

You really can't compare a teacher or mentor to a trained therapist with the skill and sensitivity to handle attachment stuff. Simply no parallel there.

As for feeling like it'd be relying too much on a therapist - I think virtually everyone in therapy goes through that anxiety when they're starting to attach. Relying too much for who exactly? Yourself? To me that sounds like a fear of abandonment back in control and running the show - don't rely, then you can't get hurt.