[Asiablue]

Yesterday in therapy i realised something. When i was a child i felt a strong split in myself that i didn't understand. There was the "me" that was everything my parents wanted me to be; polite, good, well-behaved, non-questioning, accepting, etc and then there was this other part. That part of me was a secret and i held it back from everyone, ashamed of it, confused by it. This part was needy, sad, depressed, alone, angry, ashamed, disgusting, dirty, unwanted etc.

No one knew it was there because i hid it at all costs. Since i was 3 or 4 years old i'd been aware of that part of me, but i never told anyone it was there, i suppose it didn't occur to me to tell anyone. I thought if anyone knew i'd get into trouble. I couldn't understand why i felt that way and i felt that the outside me, the compliant me, the me my parents expected me to be was the real me and this dark side wasn't. I couldn't understand why i was being "fake" why i was choosing to feel miserable and disgusting and sad when i had no right to feel that way, those feeling didn't and shouldn't belong to me, like it was an attention seeking side.... which doesn't make sense because i never told anyone about it, i guarded it at all costs, cut it off, pretended it wasn't there.

And yesterday in therapy i realised that i'd got it wrong all those years back. I'd got mixed up with what the real part of me was. The bad feelings were REAL and were ME!! I wasn't faking unhappiness. And the me i presented to the world, the me that complied with my environment was the fake part.

I didn't realise that. Not until yesterday. That as a child i split my psyche, tried to cut off that part of me which wasn't safe to have. It made me feel very sad yesterday to realise these things. But something in me is shifting, i don't know how but i'm starting to be able to forgive my "inner child" i'm starting to want to protect her a bit. Whereas up until very recently, i wanted to kill her off, refuse her existence and was very angry with her.
Therapy works in mysterious way

Your post is hard for me, Asia. I still don't want to think that the blackness and darkness is me. Or at least not most of me.

[unaluna]

I could relate, but the real me was the cool me, the hippie me, the intellectual me, the relatable me, the me that people would like if i didnt have to act like my parents' version/vision of me. But that me is accepted or recognized by them. Or legitimized. Everything it accomplished was denied. So now im like, why bother? Every time i try, something happens to take it away.

Thank you for sharing that Asia. I went through something similar in therapy, especially the part where I wanted to kill her off (my inner child) and even spoke the words that exact way to T. She guided me through it beautifully and I eventually got to the point where instead of wanting to kill her off I began to love this "little me" and WANT to take care of her.

[feralkittymom]

This is great!

Maybe the next step will be to recognize that inner self

wasn't needy, but had needs;
wasn't sad, but filled with sadness;
wasn't depressed, but burdened;
wasn't alone, but lonely;
wasn't angry, but disappointed;
wasn't ashamed, but filled with shame;
wasn't disgusting, but disgusted;
wasn't dirty, but dirtied;
wasn't unwanted, but unseen.

Have you read any Winnicott on the false self?

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Your post is hard for me, Asia. I still don't want to think that the blackness and darkness is me. Or at least not most of me.

I'm sorry it was hard for you to read.

I want to clarify. I wrote that dark part is ME, i didn't mean the real me is dark and dirty and unwanted etc what i think i mean was that my authentic self, my soul.. whatever it is that makes me me, had experienced those feelings of worthlessness and darkness and that those feelings were real they were my experience, i wasn't faking unhappiness or choosing to be sad or attention-seeking. That experience was very REAL and a symptom of all that was wrong in my little life. The polite, quiet, good child who didn't make a fuss, didn't need or ask for too much was the FAKE me. That part was bourne out of necessity to survive, to fit in, to be what my parents needed me to be.

The real me was artistic, funny, clever, deep-thinking, highly sensitive, quiet, book-loving.. all things that weren't really valued in my family :
Artistic = pointless, Deep thinking = moody, Highly sensitive = pain in the ***.

So i learned to be what they wanted me to be, subservient, cause them no problems, selfless, obedient etc. And in order to be what they wanted in order to survive, i had to cut off the other part, the real part, i had to learn to devalue the parts of me i was born with, my real personality, the artistic,deep thinking, highly sensitive part because it (the real me) would be rejected. But it kept popping up, and i didn't know why.

I think i'm explaining this really badly...

Thanks for clarifying, Asia. I get what you mean now. Thank you.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

This is great!

Maybe the next step will be to recognize that inner self

wasn't needy, but had needs;
wasn't sad, but filled with sadness;
wasn't depressed, but burdened;
wasn't alone, but lonely;
wasn't angry, but disappointed;
wasn't ashamed, but filled with shame;
wasn't disgusting, but disgusted;
wasn't dirty, but dirtied;
wasn't unwanted, but unseen.

Have you read any Winnicott on the false self?

I'm familiar with some of his work but not that book.

Thank you for what you've written, you're right i think i am on my way to recognising my inner self and its needs. That list made me feel quite emotional.

[blur]

Asia, this is really insightful. You're doing great work with your T. I know karen horney has written about the true and false self as well. I find the concepts really helpful.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by blur

Asia, this is really insightful. You're doing great work with your T. I know karen horney has written about the true and false self as well. I find the concepts really helpful.

Thanks blur, i'll need to read up on this stuff. It's not often you come to a clearing in therapy and see things in a different way and i really feel like i made a connection to something the other day.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Your post made a lot of sense to me. It sounds like you are making a lot of progress.

[Depletion]

Hey Asia,

I don't know if you ever watch the HBO show "in Treatment," but there is this part in the show where the therapist points out that a lack of emotion has been made synonymous with maturity and adulthood in our culture. This kind of seems similar to what you are talking about. Maybe the fact that you had to hide all these emotional parts of yourself means that people were asking you to be adult, because they were uncomfortable dealing with your needs--which they saw as more child like. (but of course every one should get to deal with their needs and express all the ways that they have been hurt).

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Depletion

Hey Asia,

I don't know if you ever watch the HBO show "in Treatment," but there is this part in the show where the therapist points out that a lack of emotion has been made synonymous with maturity and adulthood in our culture. This kind of seems similar to what you are talking about. Maybe the fact that you had to hide all these emotional parts of yourself means that people were asking you to be adult, because they were uncomfortable dealing with your needs--which they saw as more child like. (but of course every one should get to deal with their needs and express all the ways that they have been hurt).

Certainly seems to fit. My emotional needs were secondary to my parents.