[ScarletPimpernel]

So my T is awesome. I'm very lucky and truly am grateful to have her...

She lets me give her gifts, she is (when I'm ready) going to give me items I've asked from her, she gives me hugs, she lets me email her, I can call her if I need, she fights my insurance every 8 weeks, she trusts me, she's open and honest, she pushes me when I need to be pushed, she's gentle, understanding, smart, funny, quirky, weird, picky,and perfectly imperfect. She has even promised not to abandon me even when my insurance decides to deny me (which is important to me because of the BPD and abandonment issues).

I don't feel like I deserve her. I know she is treating me different than her other clients. I know she is going above and beyond for me. But I'm nobody. I'm a 31 year old failure who supposedly has so much potential, yet I keep failing. I had a chance once before. I ruined it. This is my second chance...and I feel like it might be a waste.

I don't want to disappoint her, so I tried giving her an "out". I emailed her telling her it's okay if she doesn't want to continue with me. I explained that I was being sincere and was not trying to manipulate her into reassuring me (she gives me that so long as I ask).

I love her and don't want to lose her, but part of me wants her to leave me. I want to spare her the problems I always cause (Don't believe me? Read my "tiff" on the topic about touch).

She, of course, responded by calling me and talking to me for 30mins. I offered to even hang up so she didn't have to waste time talking to me. In the end, she gave me some advice and told me to contact her later: email if I felt better, call if I felt worse/the same. I didn't feel better, but I emailed her so she wouldn't worry...

She responded to my email!!! And said that she's here to support me and we'll get through this together... Such an "awwww" moment. And yet it just reminds me of how much I don't deserve her...

I read others posts. I feel for the ones who have lost their T or are having problems with their T. I have no right to complain. I shouldn't feel the way I do.

I'm stuck between feeling like I don't deserve her and knowing that she is basically one of the few things keeping me alive. Just think that all this fighting to keep me alive might be wasteful and going against what is just meant to be.

Anyways. I'm not looking for answers. Just am tired of...everything. I try so hard to do right, and in the end it always gets messed up. Bet even this post gets me into trouble somehow. I just don't want to feel alone.

[Mactastic]

Whenever I start to worry my T will leave me, think I'm a burden, get tired of me, feel like I'm not growing, etc he will remind me, "Mac, this is where the work is, learning to trust me. It's going to take time and it's asking a lot of you, but I'm going to ask you to tolerate the discomfort and stick with this."

I think this applies to you, too.

Feeling undeserving is one side of a double edge sword.
I feel as I read your post, that part of you does feel you are deserving.

[HazelGirl]

I totally understand what you're saying and I feel that way a lot. I have to learn to trust my T that she truly isn't going to leave me if I disappoint her. I asked her recently how much bad I could do before she leaves me and she responded by saying that there was absolutely nothing I could do that would cause her to abandon me. That helped a lot because although I don't really trust it yet, I at least have something to remind myself when I start to worry about it.

[Leah123]

I can relate. Despite your feelings, try to enjoy the beauty and richness and comfort of this relationship. I feel very privileged to have a T like yours, but also....

I like to think, really, we are privileged to be together. When two people meet that have such a connection, it is not based on inequity, but on both finding something compelling about each other.