I hear so often on here about how trust is an issue in therapy and in real life. I wonder if your trust was broken in therapy with your therapist can it be rebuilt?
I am going through a hard time with ex t lately and am wondering can we make up or will I hate her forever. Things have gone too far and maybe if she didn't lie it might have been easier to repair!

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[HazelGirl]

It depends on whether you are willing to forgive. Trust can be rebuilt if you choose to let it. But that's something you have to decide.

If you aren't seeing her anymore, it will probably be hard to spend enough time with her to really see a change in that trust level. An apology alone wouldn't seem to be enough, right?

Rebuilding trust takes time and repeated demonstration of that trustworthiness. You aren't really in that position.

Depends on the lie.
Any therapist that resorts to lying is dubious.

She told me two lies, that she didn't know my t1, she was her supervisor/ friend!
She didn't know how she sent a friend request on Facebook, of course she knew because she did it

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Than that's not a relationship worth making the effort for.
Move on.

[sweepy62]

That would be one too many for me, imo, but then again I have trust issues to begin with. You only the answer, but, I think, you will be always doubting her.

[Perna]

A lot can depend on our attitude toward what we see as breaking our trust; I would not care about the Facebook thing at all, knowing Facebook can be confusing and not really caring about Facebook myself anymore. I wouldn't care about who my T knew professionally, either. I was recommended to see my T from another of my T's; how did you get to seeing this T, that knowing former T or not and being lied to about that became an issue for you? If she's ex-T I would move on and not spend time thinking about it. You feel wronged and lied to, why would you want to make up? Other people have their lives and agendas and I try to focus on what I want rather than worry about what they are doing.

Thanks for the replies, I guess I want to make up with her because I am still attached to her. I think maybe one day we can trust each other again. This is a pattern that she has pointed out that I let people away with things and am afraid to cut people out of my life. This is what's happening with her

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[elliemay]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I am going through a hard time with ex t lately and am wondering can we make up or will I hate her forever.

Have you considered that it doesn't have to be one or the other? That really all you have to do is nothing. She lied to you. Sounds like a run of the mill crappy therapist to me.

You don't have to make up, or forgive, or hate. You can just let it go.

It might be another option.

[unaluna]

arent these are two facts you hold against her, but you have never confronted her with. That makes the certainty, the distrust, the disagreement, completely on your side, even only in your mind. They are things you get to hold in reserve against people, reasons not to trust them. But if you dont confront them at the time of the transgression, then no, i dont think it is fair or wise of you to continue to hold it against them.

I dont think these people deserve your suspicion in this manner. I think you are acting out your transference of suspicion that belongs elsewhere, onto them - that is, this t. These "offenses" imo are not severe enough to throw away trust of the t. But they could be used to delve into your experiences with distrust.

However, i think you need to feel safe doing it, and maybe you didnt. I took a long time before i felt safe, and it was only with this last t. Hmm.

Originally Posted by elliemay

Have you considered that it doesn't have to be one or the other? That really all you have to do is nothing. She lied to you. Sounds like a run of the mill crappy therapist to me.


You don't have to make up, or forgive, or hate. You can just let it go.


It might be another option.

It seems like a good idea Ellie but part of me can't let it go, I spent so long making a relationship with t and for it to end like this- it makes me very sad to think of letting it go.

Originally Posted by hankster

arent these are two facts you hold against her, but you have never confronted her with. That makes the certainty, the distrust, the disagreement, completely on your side, even only in your mind. They are things you get to hold in reserve against people, reasons not to trust them. But if you dont confront them at the time of the transgression, then no, i dont think it is fair or wise of you to continue to hold it against them.


I dont think these people deserve your suspicion in this manner. I think you are acting out your transference of suspicion that belongs elsewhere, onto them - that is, this t. These "offenses" imo are not severe enough to throw away trust of the t. But they could be used to delve into your experiences with distrust.


However, i think you need to feel safe doing it, and maybe you didnt. I took a long time before i felt safe, and it was only with this last t. Hmm.

Thanks Hankster for your input but these are facts- they are not just in my head and I have confronted her with these facts.
I have to say that these experiences I had or "offences" as you put them are enough to throw away the trust of a t- she threw the trust away, not me and I really don't think it's fair of you to put them back on me and say that I am responsible for my ts behaviour. I can't control anyone else's behaviour only my own!

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[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

It seems like a good idea Ellie but part of me can't let it go, I spent so long making a relationship with t and for it to end like this- it makes me very sad to think of letting it go.



Thanks Hankster for your input but these are facts- they are not just in my head and I have confronted her with these facts.
I have to say that these experiences I had or "offences" as you put them are enough to throw away the trust of a t- she threw the trust away, not me and I really don't think it's fair of you to put them back on me and say that I am responsible for my ts behaviour. I can't control anyone else's behaviour only my own!


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Exactly! And you did confront her and she still lied about certain things. I don't see how trust can be rebuilt in terms of a therapeutic alliance.
Forgiveness? Maybe. But trust... i don't see how, unless she starts being honest. But what would the point be, since regardless of the indiscretions and the boundary breaches, she can't progress you any further.

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Exactly! And you did confront her and she still lied about certain things. I don't see how trust can be rebuilt in terms of a therapeutic alliance.
Forgiveness? Maybe. But trust... i don't see how, unless she starts being honest. But what would the point be, since regardless of the indiscretions and the boundary breaches, she can't progress you any further.

Thanks for putting things into perspective Asia
She did lie again and tried to blame me for misunderstanding and hurting myself around them. Lying about being my first ts supervisor and asking me every excruciatingly painful detail about our relationship whilst actively supervising her is such a betrayal to me and to t1.

She has asked me to meet with her next week and for me to be as free as possible with her. I am not sure if meeting her would be a good idea right now as I might end up hating her. I think she is more upset though as she tied to be everything I needed but failed miserably

[RTerroni]

Its hard to say, I have never fully forgiven my prior Therapist for not letting me give her a hug at our final session but I like to think that one day I will.

I don't think meeting her is a good idea. I'm sorry for all this. I wish I had the answers.

[Asiablue]

If your gut feeling is that meeting her isn't a good idea then don't. You know what is best for you.
Maybe you just need from space from her to really clarify what you feel about all of this and what you might want to say. Just remember that just because she's asked you to meet doesn't mean you have to, it's not about her agenda or needs, it's about yours.

Originally Posted by Asiablue

If your gut feeling is that meeting her isn't a good idea then don't. You know what is best for you.
Maybe you just need from space from her to really clarify what you feel about all of this and what you might want to say. Just remember that just because she's asked you to meet doesn't mean you have to, it's not about her agenda or needs, it's about yours.

I don't think I can trust her to tell me the truth! I think it would be best not to meet her because she will convince me that I misunderstood or that I am wrong and that there was a misunderstanding like she said in her email

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[blur]

i think it is quite bad that she lied about being your first T's supervisor when you had problems with that T. that is kind of a big deal imo. i agree that forgiveness is always a good thing and holding onto hate will only damage you. trust, on the other hand, doesn't get rebuilt until the person takes responsibility for their actions and takes steps to ensure it doesn't happen again. just saying "i'm sorry" doesn't repair the trust but it is a good start. the way i understand it forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate actions. you can freely forgive but in order to reconcile the other person has to take steps to repair the damage they caused. unless that happens it is inviting trouble back into your life. mona, i hope you will trust your gut on seeing her again. i do think it would cause you more turmoil.

[unaluna]

The proof you have of her being the other ts supervisor is a text message or something? That feels to me like you think you have outside proof. Same with the facebook thing. You are valuing these outside proofs as more valuable than a relationship, and i am just afraid it is not going to go well for you if you cling to these beliefs rather than learning to talk it over with the person involved.

You and i are in the same boat - we were taught not to be soft, not to trust anyone, to be suspicious, that one person always loses and one person always wins. It is very hard to see that there is another way to be, when you are still in that boat. If this t has asked to speak with you, and she is connected with your school, i would not refuse. That is really the only reason i am taking her side.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It depends on whether you are willing to forgive. Trust can be rebuilt if you choose to let it. But that's something you have to decide.

It's not that simple. A T has to earn my trust, and after a rupture, re-earn it.

Originally Posted by blur

i think it is quite bad that she lied about being your first T's supervisor when you had problems with that T. that is kind of a big deal imo. i agree that forgiveness is always a good thing and holding onto hate will only damage you. trust, on the other hand, doesn't get rebuilt until the person takes responsibility for their actions and takes steps to ensure it doesn't happen again. just saying "i'm sorry" doesn't repair the trust but it is a good start. the way i understand it forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate actions. you can freely forgive but in order to reconcile the other person has to take steps to repair the damage they caused. unless that happens it is inviting trouble back into your life. mona, i hope you will trust your gut on seeing her again. i do think it would cause you more turmoil.

Blur, you are right. It's takes an admittance of an error or mistake and an action to make sure it doesn't happen again. An apology helps soften the blow but overall it is an admittance that there was a problem and by t just saying I misunderstood and she never said she didn't know my t1 and by her saying she didn't know how she friend requested me, of course she did, she was looking at my profile but it was her attitude afterwards and how defensive she was and telling me she knows about boundaries and all and she was trying to protect our boundaries by deleting once I accepted her fr. I understand that but she should have just said, sorry, I know I have made a mistake I shouldn't have been looking at your Facebook and violating your privacy.

Originally Posted by hankster

The proof you have of her being the other ts supervisor is a text message or something? That feels to me like you think you have outside proof. Same with the facebook thing. You are valuing these outside proofs as more valuable than a relationship, and i am just afraid it is not going to go well for you if you cling to these beliefs rather than learning to talk it over with the person involved.


You and i are in the same boat - we were taught not to be soft, not to trust anyone, to be suspicious, that one person always loses and one person always wins. It is very hard to see that there is another way to be, when you are still in that boat. If this t has asked to speak with you, and she is connected with your school, i would not refuse. That is really the only reason i am taking her side.

Hankster, I hear what you are saying but I have to disagree. I have proof, it's not outside proof. I have a text from my t1 naming my ex t as her supervisor. If she had of admitted her mistake again instead of blaming me for misunderstanding we could work it through but especially given my history of women abusing me and lying to me this is a huge manipulation of her power. Honesty is always the best

Originally Posted by CantExplain

It's not that simple. A T has to earn my trust, and after a rupture, re-earn it.

Exactly, especially when their actions caused it!


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My t has been a great role model for me. We both make mistakes in our therapy relationship. She taught me through example to listen to the other person's experience of the event, and for both of us to be willing to be introspective of both of our parts in the issue. I've come to expect that from others in my relationships.

I notice when other people are not able to do this and are instead defensive, not respecting how it makes me feel, or turn the issue around completely on me. When that happens, I have also learned enough to be able to try to hold healthy boundaries.

I think your feelings in this are valid, and you have a right to expect your t to meet you in this in an open and honest way, and to explain her part in this.

Turtle

Thanks turtle, I will meet her to see if she can admit her part.

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