[growlithing]

LCM and I haven't been able to meet in person for a little over a month. We've been mostly talking on the phone. We're gonna try to meet in person this week.

Basically, LCM puts her daughter to bed before our phone calls. Tonight however, her daughter came and told her goodnight while we were on the phone. She said "goodnight I love you"............. and I am so jealous. I tried to push that jealousy aside while talking to her because I feel kinda embarrassed that I feel the way I do and I don't want to talk about it because I know there is nothing she can say that wouldn't make me feel worse about it and I'm the one being unreasonable. But she knew something was off and I was defensive and somewhat abnormally aggressive throughout the call. At the end, I told her how I felt. She said she knew the second she said that that I would have a strong reaction to it and she said she knew I was being kinda aggressive because I was affected by hearing her say that. It didn't make anything better because I want to be her daughter and hear her say that to me. She said that saying that to your kids is good parenting and that I need to see that for if I am a parent one day. I think that was just her making herself feel better over a situation that probably shouldn't have happened but was out of her control.

I'm just so upset I can't stop wanting to hurt myself out of anger that I ever let myself believe that I could be something like her daughter. I'm feeling almost sui actually and I feel stupid that I let this affect me so much. I just want someone to love me. I want her to love me. I haven't heard anyone say that to me since January and I don't know why those three words mean everything and nothing to me all at once. I'm not mad at her for loving her daughter. I'm just feeling the pain of remembering that she isn't my mother again and I'm so sad and upset and all I want on earth is to run to her and cry on her shoulder but she is the one upsetting me just like how it's always been in my life and I can't take it. I want to not need a mother anymore. I want to stop existing.

[sweepy62]

Growly I'm sorry this happened to you tonight, but in my honest opinion this is a serious situation that may be spiraling out of control. Lcm while helping you is also a major trigger for you.

At least what I mean is she may not purposely trigger you but it seems like she needs to walk on eggshells when it comes to any maternal transference because its a major trigger.

So there is no progress being made here just pain and misery again just my opinion I may be wrong but you need a t who can intensively help you through this major issue your having.

Your lcm is a major trigger ATM.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Growly I'm sorry this happened to you tonight, but in my honest opinion this is a serious situation that may be spiraling out of control. Lcm while helping you is also a major trigger for you.

At least what I mean is she may not purposely trigger you but it seems like she needs to walk on eggshells when it comes to any maternal transference because its a major trigger.

So there is no progress being made here just pain and misery again just my opinion I may be wrong but you need a t who can intensively help you through this major issue your having.

Your lcm is a major trigger ATM.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Well. I guess I'm just going to be miserable and triggered. I'm going to keep talking to her and seeing her because she is all I have. I mean, I have my school T but I'm weaning myself off of her because she is leaving. I have my friends but they have been fairly mean to me lately and only talk to me when they need something. She is the only person I have that I feel safe with even if I get hurt sometimes. I'm going to be miserable either way and I'd rather at least have someone to cry about it to.

[Yearning0723]

Oh, Growli, I feel your pain. I am so sorry.

I had this same situation with my former teacher whom I loved like a mother...we would meet at the coffee shop near her work and one time she said she'd like to bring her daughter because she'd love for her daughter to meet me and I would have so much to teach her and her daughter was really excited to meet me. (Her daughter is three years younger than me.) So of course I was flattered and I agreed.

But the way my teacher would touch her - she would put her arm around her casually or they would finish each other's sentences or they'd smile at each other in just this really special way or she'd pinch her daughter's cheek and it just made my heart clench every time because I remembered that she wasn't mine; she could never be mine. She had her own family and I wasn't part of it.

We were out once, me and her and her daughter, at a coffee shop near her house, and we were sitting outside. There was a guy who was walking by our table and he asked my teacher if she would watch his dog for a minute while he went inside to get some water. She said sure, and she and her daughter were playing with the dog, and then the guy came back outside and was ranting and raving about what a terrible dog it is and how he wants to kill it, and he grabbed it and was pulling on its leash and the dog hit the table, and this was very upsetting for me to watch, and upsetting for my teacher and her daughter too, but the thing I remember about that, other than the sound the dog made as he hit the table and that sound is burnt into my memory like a video, is that my teacher noticed how upset her daughter was but didn't even notice how upset I was. And also how she looked at that dog, like a vulnerable thing she wanted to protect, and I wondered if that was how she saw me, and if I was okay with that.

The guy had put his hand on her shoulder while he was ranting, and she hadn't done anything about that or told him to f off, which surprised me. I asked her when he finally stormed away why she didn't say anything. She said he was probably high and it just wasn't worth it, but if he'd laid a finger on her daughter, she would have killed him. And my heart cried that she hadn't said the same about me.

I mean, I know she would have. I know if he'd touched me, she would have fought him, regardless of the fact that she's only 5 feet tall and super thin and tiny, and I guess maybe she thought that I would feel insulted if she implied that I needed to be protected. But oh, I wish she would have included me in the same sentence with her daughter, and said she would have protected me too...

So yeah, it sucks. They have their own kids, and we aren't their kids. And it hurts like hell. I'm sorry Growli.

[feralkittymom]

I'm sorry you're stuck in this feeling, Growli. I think your feelings are totally expected and natural given the situation. The problem I see is that as such, the situation is a big part of the problem. Why is it taking LCM so long to get whatever sort of practice she's intending set up? Almost all of your difficulties relate to the lack of a secure frame for your relationship. The residential setting provided that frame, but on her own, she isn't. This is, in part, a boundaries issue: if she's going to continue contact with you in this chaotic fashion, and doesn't have the skills to put boundaries in place in the midst of such chaos (an example would have been to cover the phone or put you on hold for a second while speaking to her daughter), you're going to continue to be put in turmoil. You can't avoid it because it's not about logic--it's your transferential feelings in control. You can't--and shouldn't have to--fight those feelings. It's not your job.

What has happened to new trauma T? Do you have an appointment?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I'm sorry you're stuck in this feeling, Growli. I think your feelings are totally expected and natural given the situation. The problem I see is that as such, the situation is a big part of the problem. Why is it taking LCM so long to get whatever sort of practice she's intending set up? Almost all of your difficulties relate to the lack of a secure frame for your relationship. The residential setting provided that frame, but on her own, she isn't. This is, in part, a boundaries issue: if she's going to continue contact with you in this chaotic fashion, and doesn't have the skills to put boundaries in place in the midst of such chaos (an example would have been to cover the phone or put you on hold for a second while speaking to her daughter), you're going to continue to be put in turmoil. You can't avoid it because it's not about logic--it's your transferential feelings in control. You can't--and shouldn't have to--fight those feelings. It's not your job.


What has happened to new trauma T? Do you have an appointment?

Well she isn't licensed so that is probably part of it. She is back in school again working on getting licensed.

She said it fast like a reflex and then realized that could have been bad. I think she just made a mistake.

No. ExTT said she was going to refer me to someone else within the place I was seeing her. She said this person would call me when I get matched up again. No one has called.

[feralkittymom]

Can you call them and inquire?

I know it's just a mistake--except it isn't. It's an "unforced error" to use what little I know of sports references. It's a rookie mistake, and not the first one. I suspect part of the blame is the chaos of your arrangement. I get your attachment to her, and I'm not suggesting you break that. But the thing is, your life hasn't given you much experience in what healthy and appropriate attachments feel like. I don't think it helps you in healing to have to keep making excuses for her errors. You need to push and get set up with a secure and competent T and allow yourself to shift LCM to a supplemental support, rather than your lifeline.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Can you call them and inquire?

I know it's just a mistake--except it isn't. It's an "unforced error" to use what little I know of sports references. It's a rookie mistake, and not the first one. I suspect part of the blame is the chaos of your arrangement. I get your attachment to her, and I'm not suggesting you break that. But the thing is, your life hasn't given you much experience in what healthy and appropriate attachments feel like. I don't think it helps you in healing to have to keep making excuses for her errors. You need to push and get set up with a secure and competent T and allow yourself to shift LCM to a supplemental support, rather than your lifeline.

Scared of phones and not too eager to open up to a new T who might just leave me again.

I can't expect her to be perfect. That's not fair. She makes little mistakes all the time. I love her anyway. I love that she is a human being. I need to not be so sensitive that hearing her say that makes me want to hurt myself. That's on me.

[withoutthelove_]

It hurts so much to know they can't/won't say those words to you; about you. It's like a stab to the heart each time.
Maybe seek reassurance in the fact you have a relationship with her and she's there for you, instead of being cut up about not being her daughter. It is what it is, and you can't change who your parents were. But you can change the way you react to your feelings. Be grateful you have LCM to open up to, to trust, to lean on; to talk on the phone whenever, not during scheduled 50-minute sessions.
I'd give anything to have that kind of relationship with my T.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Scared of phones and not too eager to open up to a new T who might just leave me again.

I can't expect her to be perfect. That's not fair. She makes little mistakes all the time. I love her anyway. I love that she is a human being. I need to not be so sensitive that hearing her say that makes me want to hurt myself. That's on me.

Not calling shows you're not invested enough as your own advocate. What about having your school T call?

I don't agree (bolded parts). I think you're all too willing to please her from a need to insure she doesn't abandon you. That's not a healthy attachment, and it doesn't help you meet needs. It also tends to breed anger--which is probably where the urges to hurt yourself are coming from. Healing at an emotional level isn't about exerting control and logic, but about growing through and beyond needs.

[AmysJourney]

I believe until someone breaks something in this very unhealthy relationship cycle with your LCM, you are going to suffer more, your pain will only grow, your feelings will elevate to levels you can't control all by yourself, growlithing.

I will tell you something.. I read back on some of your posts.. (Not in a stalking kind of way, just to get a little more information so I can reply a little more educated) So I took an hour last night to read part of your story you shared here. It made me cry! After an hour of reading your posts, I wanted to just come to wherever you are and hold you in my arms and tell you, you are loved.
It is painful to read about your relationship with LCM (and I still am confused about what she is, what she wants and why is acting the way she does etc.) I wish you would have a real mother figure who could for real look out for you and not one that one day encourages you to call her mom, then next day is more distant. Who is so close to you and yet you haven't seen her in a month you say..I just feel like crying all over. Something in all this seems terribly wrong!
But I also want to shake you just a little and tell you that it doesn't have to this way!

Even if everyone here will disagree with me now - I strongly believe that almost all the people around you have you trapped in some form in unhealthy patterns and I have yet to hear about someone in your life where I feel "Finally, someone who sees the problem, not makes it worse" People in your life, including your LCM who you love so very much, are not looking our for your best interest it seems. And I wish someone would...
I want to shake your LCM and shout at her to really see what she is doing! I want to just scream at all this that someone finally take you under their wings who has the capacity, strength and right sense of boundaries to do that. You seem so stuck with very little hope right now that there is a way out.

UNLESS - you draw the strength you have inside you and make a step out yourself. I agree with everything Feralkittymom said too.
And I believe you are much stronger than you think. You seems so dependent on LCM but I think you can be much more independent. Someone has to break the cycle and I believe it can be you.

Sorry if some of the things I said sounded a little inappropriate.

Originally Posted by growlithing

No. ExTT said she was going to refer me to someone else within the place I was seeing her. She said this person would call me when I get matched up again. No one has called.

The jealousy is painful, I know..

Do you have to get a new T from the same place? Is this because it's through your school or something?

In my experience, the best Ts are in private practice. What FKM pointed out is important. The therapeutic frame has a way of containing emotions and allowing you to do the work of therapy. So instead of doing the work, you're basically left trying to cope with the symptoms of a lack of secure frame. I understanding having no one else; I do not advocate for giving up LCM.

[sweepy62]

I totally agree with amelia, as I said in my post, and I am sorry growly I am not trying to offend you or lcm, just honest input, but it seems that until there is a concrete professional treatment life coach plan between you and lcm, its all over the place, and its very unhealthy and not helping your attachment issues, and I know you justify her mistakes and still love her, but , you should be her priority, she accepted this responsability with you, you are in a very serious chaotic whirlwind of emotions right now, you really need, a professional therapist, with boundaries, first, and lcm to follow through.

[Mactastic]

Growthing, I don't think I've ever chimed in on any of your LCM posts. I've pretty much always been sitting by the wayside, watching. I feel like it's time for me to share my opinion even though I know you will be sad to hear it. I might come off as blunt, you are entirely welcomed to skip this post entirely.

Your LCM is not helping you, she is tearing you to shreds. Yes, you feel good around her and cared for, appreciated, and she gives you the warm-fuzzies but she will not be able to do this forever. At some point she will start to pull back and if you think these feelings are rocking your world, just wait. This cycle is unhealthy.

What you need in your life is someone with stronger boundaries (this does not mean zero inter-session contact; I email my T a few times per week and his boundaries are clearly laid out) who will help you find in your heart what you are seeking from everyone else but have yet to find. You simply want to be loved. And I get that (Good Lord, do I get that) but you will NEVER find it on this path that you're on now. You need a professional (ahem, licensed) who will help you learn - slowly, slowly - how to love yourself and accept the family you have been given. Only when we love ourselves can we feel loved by other people.

Now, I'm not up here on a high horse. I ache to be loved by others too, and I don't claim to know how your situation feels because I have a beautiful relationship with my own mother. But I do not love myself and I am on the path to figuring out how that feels so I can experience love from others, fully and completely.

I encourage you to really think about where this relationship with your LCM is headed. I also encourage you to suck it up, dial the number, and find out what's going on with the referral at your college center. Take a shot of vodka first, if that helps, but get on that phone this week, ok?

We only want the best for you and sometimes that means tough love. A few of us are trying to tell you that only you can help yourself and I'm sure that hurts to hear. But we're only trying to shake some sense into you, if you will.

I wish you all the best.

[sweepy62]

Mactastic, thank you for your post, we are concerned about growly, I have posted similarly also, not being judgemental, but growly is suffering, due to lack os structure and boundaries and mixed messages, like I said I apologize if my posting is offending, but my previous comment says it all, and right now, imo, since growly posted, and since she was triggered by lc words, at this point, this relationship, is doing more harm than good. Not saying to cut ties, but it needs to be strictly coordinated with professional therapists and monitered and strict boundaries set, and most of the attachment work to be done with a t.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Amelia112

I believe until someone breaks something in this very unhealthy relationship cycle with your LCM, you are going to suffer more, your pain will only grow, your feelings will elevate to levels you can't control all by yourself, growlithing.

I will tell you something.. I read back on some of your posts.. (Not in a stalking kind of way, just to get a little more information so I can reply a little more educated) So I took an hour last night to read part of your story you shared here. It made me cry! After an hour of reading your posts, I wanted to just come to wherever you are and hold you in my arms and tell you, you are loved.
It is painful to read about your relationship with LCM (and I still am confused about what she is, what she wants and why is acting the way she does etc.) I wish you would have a real mother figure who could for real look out for you and not one that one day encourages you to call her mom, then next day is more distant. Who is so close to you and yet you haven't seen her in a month you say..I just feel like crying all over. Something in all this seems terribly wrong!
But I also want to shake you just a little and tell you that it doesn't have to this way!

Even if everyone here will disagree with me now - I strongly believe that almost all the people around you have you trapped in some form in unhealthy patterns and I have yet to hear about someone in your life where I feel "Finally, someone who sees the problem, not makes it worse" People in your life, including your LCM who you love so very much, are not looking our for your best interest it seems. And I wish someone would...
I want to shake your LCM and shout at her to really see what she is doing! I want to just scream at all this that someone finally take you under their wings who has the capacity, strength and right sense of boundaries to do that. You seem so stuck with very little hope right now that there is a way out.

UNLESS - you draw the strength you have inside you and make a step out yourself. I agree with everything Feralkittymom said too.
And I believe you are much stronger than you think. You seems so dependent on LCM but I think you can be much more independent. Someone has to break the cycle and I believe it can be you.

Sorry if some of the things I said sounded a little inappropriate.

Wow. Thanks for taking the time to do that. I'm touched. Really.

I think LCM has my best interests at heart. I think she messes up a lot but I think that she genuinely does want to help me. It's not like the money is her only motivation because my real mother barely pays her because she thinks she is broke. She's a doctor. She's not broke. She's just pissed at me for needing so much money for treatment.

LCM didn't encourage me to call her mom. She just didn't say no.

I know I maybe shouldn't be defending her, but she's my mother and she means everything to me because I rarely have that feeling of having a mother. I'd rather have her bury me alive with those feelings than not have her in my life.

How do what you suggested? How do I create my own boundaries, where do I put them and what are they supposed to do? Am I supposed to call up LCM and chew her out for talking to her daughter? Maybe someday I will be in that situation and she will love me. And she will hug me and I'll know what it feels like to be hugged by "mom". My real mother would push me away if I tried to hug her. I just need to know what it feels like. LCM modeled good parenting by saying she loves her daughter. I don't think I ever want to be a mother because I don't think I could handle it plus I'm creeped out by breastfeeding, but if I change my mind, I need have seen a good parent somewhere to draw upon.

I don't know. I need her in my life more than anything.

[scorpiosis37]

I can relate so much to how you are feeling. I've never had a mom and, growing up, every wish I made on a birthday cake or on a coin in a fountain was: "I want a mom to love me." I would give anything to have a mom, or to know what maternal love felt like. It cuts so deeply to see my friends with their moms or to watch moms with their daughters on TV. I truly understand the pain you are feeling.

When I was younger, I had a teacher who acted very much like your LCM. She would do so many special, mom-like things for me: she would take me places, have lunch with me, invite me to her house, etc. I thought she would be in my life forever and she would fill the void that I had from not having a mother. However, one day, it got to be too much for her and she left. Just like that. In retrospect, I realize that I was asking more of her than she (or anyone) was able to provide. Your LCM cannot be your mother, and until you accept that, you are going to continue to feel hurt and be trapped in this cycle. It is very unhealthy to call her "mom" or try to make her into your mom. She has her own daughter and, as much as it hurts, you will never be her daughter.

What has helped me deal with my "maternal void" is being in therapy with a skilled therapist who feels maternal and shows me love, but with appropriate boundaries. She is not my mother and that is something we both acknowledge. She can be nurturing and she can tell me that she cares about me, but our relationship is therapeutic and it is limited to sessions and the occasional e-mail/text. She encourages me to find ways to meet my own needs and get more of my needs for connection and love met by people in my RL. She also has me grieve for what I never had and cannot have: a mom. Accepting that has been so much more healing than constantly trying to make someone else into that role (because it will always fail and leave me hurt). What I hope for you is that you can find a skilled therapist to help you work through these feelings in a healthy and safe environment.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

Growthing, I don't think I've ever chimed in on any of your LCM posts. I've pretty much always been sitting by the wayside, watching. I feel like it's time for me to share my opinion even though I know you will be sad to hear it. I might come off as blunt, you are entirely welcomed to skip this post entirely.


Your LCM is not helping you, she is tearing you to shreds. Yes, you feel good around her and cared for, appreciated, and she gives you the warm-fuzzies but she will not be able to do this forever. At some point she will start to pull back and if you think these feelings are rocking your world, just wait. This cycle is unhealthy.


What you need in your life is someone with stronger boundaries (this does not mean zero inter-session contact; I email my T a few times per week and his boundaries are clearly laid out) who will help you find in your heart what you are seeking from everyone else but have yet to find. You simply want to be loved. And I get that (Good Lord, do I get that) but you will NEVER find it on this path that you're on now. You need a professional (ahem, licensed) who will help you learn - slowly, slowly - how to love yourself and accept the family you have been given. Only when we love ourselves can we feel loved by other people.


Now, I'm not up here on a high horse. I ache to be loved by others too, and I don't claim to know how your situation feels because I have a beautiful relationship with my own mother. But I do not love myself and I am on the path to figuring out how that feels so I can experience love from others, fully and completely.


I encourage you to really think about where this relationship with your LCM is headed. I also encourage you to suck it up, dial the number, and find out what's going on with the referral at your college center. Take a shot of vodka first, if that helps, but get on that phone this week, ok?


We only want the best for you and sometimes that means tough love. A few of us are trying to tell you that only you can help yourself and I'm sure that hurts to hear. But we're only trying to shake some sense into you, if you will.


I wish you all the best.

She said she won't leave me. I told her that I worry about being to much. She said she likes it because she likes hearing from me.

What do good boundaries look like?

My school doesn't make referrals. I've asked. I don't know why, but they don't.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Wow. Thanks for taking the time to do that. I'm touched. Really.

I think LCM has my best interests at heart. I think she messes up a lot but I think that she genuinely does want to help me. It's not like the money is her only motivation because my real mother barely pays her because she thinks she is broke. She's a doctor. She's not broke. She's just pissed at me for needing so much money for treatment.

LCM didn't encourage me to call her mom. She just didn't say no.

I know I maybe shouldn't be defending her, but she's my mother and she means everything to me because I rarely have that feeling of having a mother. I'd rather have her bury me alive with those feelings than not have her in my life.

How do what you suggested? How do I create my own boundaries, where do I put them and what are they supposed to do? Am I supposed to call up LCM and chew her out for talking to her daughter? Maybe someday I will be in that situation and she will love me. And she will hug me and I'll know what it feels like to be hugged by "mom". My real mother would push me away if I tried to hug her. I just need to know what it feels like. LCM modeled good parenting by saying she loves her daughter. I don't think I ever want to be a mother because I don't think I could handle it plus I'm creeped out by breastfeeding, but if I change my mind, I need have seen a good parent somewhere to draw upon.

I don't know. I need her in my life more than anything.

Growli - you don't need her in your life more than anything. I know it feels like you do; believe me, I've been there, and I know. But she can't be everything to you. She can't be a mom to you. And thing you need in your life more than anything is yourself. The longer you continue this unhealthy cycle with her, the more pieces of yourself you lose. I know; I've been there. Every little thing she says that fuels the fantasy, every time she tells you she cares about you and loves you and will never leave you, makes you that much more dependent on her, and that much more alienated from yourself and your own feelings and your own needs.

You can have LCM, and you can have all the good feelings that she gives you. They're great; I know. You feel so safe with her, like you're the best you that you could ever be when you're in her presence, like you finally have what you need - someone to love you. And it's great that she's there and it's great that she does, but she's not enough. Her love can't save you, even if it feels like it will. Even if it feels like it already has. Love is wonderful and amazing and necessary for our survival, but other people can't save us. That's hard, but it's the reality of it. There are no fairy tales for us, no fantasy mother who will swoop in and save the day and carry us off to her castle where she will tuck us into bed every night with a smile and a kiss on the forehead. It won't happen. Ever. So we have to save ourselves.

LCM can be good for you if you leverage her appropriately. That means using her as part of your support system, but not as your whole support system. You need to start seeing a new TT ASAP, and you need to try. You don't even need to talk about past stuff right away, but you do need to talk about LCM with your new TT, and figure out how to process that relationship and make sense of it in your mind. And you need to figure out how to expand your support system beyond LCM and your new TT when you find one.

There were two things that helped me when I lost my teacher who your LCM so reminds me of - my T, who helped me grieve, and my best friend, who supported me through it all. I don't believe I would have got through it if I didn't have them. I'm not saying LCM is going to leave you - that's not a concern for the moment - but when you have a moment like this, where you're overwhelmed with sadness because something she's done has triggered you, you need someone to talk to.

You need a T who can help you process those feelings and what they mean to you and what you can do about them, and you need a person in your life who will support you and listen and not judge you. I know it's hard to find a person like that - I got ridiculously lucky. But you need it. I wish I could tell you how to find it, and I know I'm making it sound like it's so simple and I know it's not, but you need it so much and your life will be so much easier once you've found a friend like that. So if I may make some suggestions, involvement in extracurriculars at your school might be a good place to start to meet new people - I know meeting new people makes a lot of people anxious (it definitely makes me anxious!), but I think finding a friend is like finding a good therapist. It's about fit. And sometimes you have to go through a lot of bad ones before you find the jewel underneath.

Good luck with all this, Growli. I know it hurts. I wish there was more I could say or do to help you, but this is all I have right now. I know it's tough. Take care.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Growli - you don't need her in your life more than anything. I know it feels like you do; believe me, I've been there, and I know. But she can't be everything to you. She can't be a mom to you. And thing you need in your life more than anything is yourself. The longer you continue this unhealthy cycle with her, the more pieces of yourself you lose. I know; I've been there. Every little thing she says that fuels the fantasy, every time she tells you she cares about you and loves you and will never leave you, makes you that much more dependent on her, and that much more alienated from yourself and your own feelings and your own needs.

You can have LCM, and you can have all the good feelings that she gives you. They're great; I know. You feel so safe with her, like you're the best you that you could ever be when you're in her presence, like you finally have what you need - someone to love you. And it's great that she's there and it's great that she does, but she's not enough. Her love can't save you, even if it feels like it will. Even if it feels like it already has. Love is wonderful and amazing and necessary for our survival, but other people can't save us. That's hard, but it's the reality of it. There are no fairy tales for us, no fantasy mother who will swoop in and save the day and carry us off to her castle where she will tuck us into bed every night with a smile and a kiss on the forehead. It won't happen. Ever. So we have to save ourselves.

LCM can be good for you if you leverage her appropriately. That means using her as part of your support system, but not as your whole support system. You need to start seeing a new TT ASAP, and you need to try. You don't even need to talk about past stuff right away, but you do need to talk about LCM with your new TT, and figure out how to process that relationship and make sense of it in your mind. And you need to figure out how to expand your support system beyond LCM and your new TT when you find one.

There were two things that helped me when I lost my teacher who your LCM so reminds me of - my T, who helped me grieve, and my best friend, who supported me through it all. I don't believe I would have got through it if I didn't have them. I'm not saying LCM is going to leave you - that's not a concern for the moment - but when you have a moment like this, where you're overwhelmed with sadness because something she's done has triggered you, you need someone to talk to.

You need a T who can help you process those feelings and what they mean to you and what you can do about them, and you need a person in your life who will support you and listen and not judge you. I know it's hard to find a person like that - I got ridiculously lucky. But you need it. I wish I could tell you how to find it, and I know I'm making it sound like it's so simple and I know it's not, but you need it so much and your life will be so much easier once you've found a friend like that. So if I may make some suggestions, involvement in extracurriculars at your school might be a good place to start to meet new people - I know meeting new people makes a lot of people anxious (it definitely makes me anxious!), but I think finding a friend is like finding a good therapist. It's about fit. And sometimes you have to go through a lot of bad ones before you find the jewel underneath.

Good luck with all this, Growli. I know it hurts. I wish there was more I could say or do to help you, but this is all I have right now. I know it's tough. Take care.

LCM is good. She isn't bad. How do I know if I have a good one? I don't know if I'll know because I love LCM and I think that having strong feelings is okay. What is so wrong with having a little fantasy world anyway? Reality sucks. I'd much rather be in my own little world and for the most part, I can to an extent.

It's so hard to let anyone else into my support group when everyone else in my life either left suddenly or is in the process of leaving or can't handle the depth of what I need. I can't rely on my friends the way I can rely on a T. exTT left with no warning after making me believe she was staying for a while. School T is leaving in a few months after working with her for 3 years. Hell, I probably only have a year left with my current trumpet teacher because I've grown up musically and need to switch to the teacher who handles older, more advanced students. Nothing is permanent and that tortures me. LCM says she wants to stay by my side and be my constant for at least a while. She's the only one who has left and came back without saying she'll leave soon. How can I trust anyone?

LCM wants me to get a new TT. She wants me to get a new one that won't leave suddenly and she wants to talk to her when I get her so there is communication straight out of the gate.

I bounced back last night after emailing LCM. This is what I said. I'm not sure if this is me making excuses for her and over intellectualizing everything again.

"My feelings escalated. I feel confused as to why I am emailing you right now. I really want you to comfort me but it feels like you were the one who upset me even though it really isn't that black and white. I'm not upset with you because I'm not upset with how you handled the situation. I would have been probably more upset if you ignored her and I would have been actually upset with you and not the situation because I'm extremely sensitive to anything like that. So I'm really upset and I'm really confused because I don't know where to put this upset feeling so I want to turn it against myself.

I guess that kinda is the meat of my problems though. I love having you in my life. I love that you listen to me and care about what I have to say, but sometimes it feels like you bury me alive and I just lie there, hoping you'll dig me out again. But why would anyone dig me out when they put me there in the first place and you didn't actually do that. I just kinda ended up here and I don't know why or how so I blame myself for falling in a ditch but that doesn't make any sense either. But the thing is that I actually do know what happened. My mom was the one who actually buried me alive and dug me out and and confused me and the reason I'm upset is because whenever I feel upset with anything between you and me, I emotionally relive that whole thing where the person I need to rescue me is the one hurting me even if you aren't actually doing anything wrong because I'm just so ****ing sensitive and perceive the slightest little thing as rejection.

And yet I'm still emotionally confused because I don't know how to feel upset or angry without having someone I'm upset or angry with and it's so much easier to hate myself and make myself bleed or cry that you pull me in and push me away than it is to direct this where it actually belongs. I guess I'm writing this to help myself stop being angry at myself and wanting to act out in a manner that would not be okay. And it helps. You'd think I could just write this in a journal, but again with the wanting to feel like you're there thing"

Maybe good boundaries wouldn't make me relive that. Maybe I'll relive it regardless. What the hell does good boundaries even look like? It's jut this abstract thing and I don't know what I'm looking for.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by growlithing

LCM is good. She isn't bad. How do I know if I have a good one? I don't know if I'll know because I love LCM and I think that having strong feelings is okay. What is so wrong with having a little fantasy world anyway? Reality sucks. I'd much rather be in my own little world and for the most part, I can to an extent.

It's so hard to let anyone else into my support group when everyone else in my life either left suddenly or is in the process of leaving or can't handle the depth of what I need. I can't rely on my friends the way I can rely on a T. exTT left with no warning after making me believe she was staying for a while. School T is leaving in a few months after working with her for 3 years. Hell, I probably only have a year left with my current trumpet teacher because I've grown up musically and need to switch to the teacher who handles older, more advanced students. Nothing is permanent and that tortures me. LCM says she wants to stay by my side and be my constant for at least a while. She's the only one who has left and came back without saying she'll leave soon. How can I trust anyone?

LCM wants me to get a new TT. She wants me to get a new one that won't leave suddenly and she wants to talk to her when I get her so there is communication straight out of the gate.

I bounced back last night after emailing LCM. This is what I said. I'm not sure if this is me making excuses for her and over intellectualizing everything again.

"My feelings escalated. I feel confused as to why I am emailing you right now. I really want you to comfort me but it feels like you were the one who upset me even though it really isn't that black and white. I'm not upset with you because I'm not upset with how you handled the situation. I would have been probably more upset if you ignored her and I would have been actually upset with you and not the situation because I'm extremely sensitive to anything like that. So I'm really upset and I'm really confused because I don't know where to put this upset feeling so I want to turn it against myself.

I guess that kinda is the meat of my problems though. I love having you in my life. I love that you listen to me and care about what I have to say, but sometimes it feels like you bury me alive and I just lie there, hoping you'll dig me out again. But why would anyone dig me out when they put me there in the first place and you didn't actually do that. I just kinda ended up here and I don't know why or how so I blame myself for falling in a ditch but that doesn't make any sense either. But the thing is that I actually do know what happened. My mom was the one who actually buried me alive and dug me out and and confused me and the reason I'm upset is because whenever I feel upset with anything between you and me, I emotionally relive that whole thing where the person I need to rescue me is the one hurting me even if you aren't actually doing anything wrong because I'm just so ****ing sensitive and perceive the slightest little thing as rejection.

And yet I'm still emotionally confused because I don't know how to feel upset or angry without having someone I'm upset or angry with and it's so much easier to hate myself and make myself bleed or cry that you pull me in and push me away than it is to direct this where it actually belongs. I guess I'm writing this to help myself stop being angry at myself and wanting to act out in a manner that would not be okay. And it helps. You'd think I could just write this in a journal, but again with the wanting to feel like you're there thing"

Maybe good boundaries wouldn't make me relive that. Maybe I'll relive it regardless. What the hell does good boundaries even look like? It's jut this abstract thing and I don't know what I'm looking for.

Good boundaries = recognizing your needs and recognizing and doing what you need to do to meet them. Growli, I want you to think about something - what do you need from LCM to make your relationship less stressful for you? What could she do to assist you in getting off this emotional rollercoaster, or what could you do? It's not as simple as just leaving LCM - I wouldn't recommend that, and that wouldn't solve the problem anyway. But what do you think would have to happen for you to not feel so torn up emotionally about this?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Good boundaries = recognizing your needs and recognizing and doing what you need to do to meet them. Growli, I want you to think about something - what do you need from LCM to make your relationship less stressful for you? What could she do to assist you in getting off this emotional rollercoaster, or what could you do? It's not as simple as just leaving LCM - I wouldn't recommend that, and that wouldn't solve the problem anyway. But what do you think would have to happen for you to not feel so torn up emotionally about this?

Adopt me? I don't know. She could tell me that she loves me but I know that won't be enough. It's never enough. I don't know what I need.

[sweepy62]

Growly im sorry for how you are feeling, its such a difficult situation, somewherealong the lines, of while you were seeing , tt, t and lcm, there was a major ccommunication malfunction with your treatment plan, you just did not develope this super attachment in one second to lcm, and imo, we only get out of therapy what we put in, when we are able to, you have a problem disclosing, I understand.

you have been posting here about you and lcm, and its healthy and a great way to vent, I would have preferred as well that you disclosed all of your fantasies with lcm to your t. Also lcm has a resposability to know how out of control this was getting, and to examine whats in your best interest, which seems she has not.

has she spoken now or before to your t, about your unhealthy attachment with her? How its affected your ed? How you have over medicated? I understand it could affect your school the med part, but has she had professional meetings on the rest of it?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Growly im sorry for how you are feeling, its such a difficult situation, somewherealong the lines, of while you were seeing , tt, t and lcm, there was a major ccommunication malfunction with your treatment plan, you just did not develope this super attachment in one second to lcm, and imo, we only get out of therapy what we put in, when we are able to, you have a problem disclosing, I understand.

you have been posting here about you and lcm, and its healthy and a great way to vent, I would have preferred as well that you disclosed all of your fantasies with lcm to your t. Also lcm has a resposability to know how out of control this was getting, and to examine whats in your best interest, which seems she has not.

has she spoken now or before to your t, about your unhealthy attachment with her? How its affected your ed? How you have over medicated? I understand it could affect your school the med part, but has she had professional meetings on the rest of it?

I haven't over medicated recently. I don't have enough money to truly binge. The problem is that I don't really have another T. I have my school t who is an intern. I have my DBT group leader who is a man and I never meet one on one.

She does examine and try to figure out how to do handle this. I'm not really sure it's totally unhealthy... I mean, I'm fine now. I was upset last night for an hour.

Originally Posted by growlithing

I'm not really sure it's totally unhealthy... I mean, I'm fine now. I was upset last night for an hour.

I've asked myself that same question, wondering if I'm being dense or missing something....Clients in boundaried (is that a word?) therapy have talked about similar reactions and experiences, feeling jealous of a son, daughter, or wife.

I am not seeing why this mentoring relationship is so bad. She seems to be the only resemblance to a 'normal' relationship that you have in your life right now. Having a relationship with someone who believes in you is better than having no one, no connection to anyone-even if it has some unhealthy components.